What Is Life About? What Is Love....?

asking questions and trying to find out again
what is life about and what is love?
its easy to say,
put everything down and let go
but how many really can do it?
i actually did it.
yes, i did it
but the hurt remains
full of pain and troubles
ppl ask me,
what am i fretting over?
what am i feeling sad for?
my answer: dun ask me, cause i really dunno myself
i didnt lie, i really dunno
funny right?
is it supposed to be like that?
after so many things, troubles, everything
hurt and pain remains
sorrow remains
loneliness remains
but what exactly happened?
i cant remember a thing
seriously...i cant remember
not even who i am
what is the purpose of me being here
heaven made me come into this world for a reason
i always believed that everyone come into this world
for a reason
different reasons for different people
whats mine?
saded
screwed life is mine?
yes, i'm fated to become like that
and thats it
i've no idea
living for nothing
meaningless
i worked so hard
in everything
ccls, choir etc etc
for what reason?
yes, maybe cause i liked it
but the main reason
is juz to show myself i can make a difference somewhere
but you know?
the results dun show so
i'm of no difference
i know, being needed is a form of happiness also
yes, thats what i'm trying to gain
when ppl need me, i will at least feel a bit of staying
in this world
though in my heart, i'm still lonely
i seem to gain a bit of energy to move on
when i'm needed
but no more....i'm not
maybe all these while,
i was juz deceiving myself
i'm unreasonable and a strange peep
i dun hope that ppl will understand me
yet i blame them for not understanding me
i didnt let them know any of my things
how i feel and etc
yet i expect them to understand
what the hell am i thinking?
no idea
funny
laugh~laugh~laugh~
love being engrossed in stories
and drama series
i mean ou xiang ju...
i do not believe in love
love only exists in drama series and novels
feel like staying forever in my world
block everything else out
leave this world
the world that i dun belong to
i'm tired
i know that,
happiness are always around us
maybe a twist of thinking and everything changes greatly
ppl are blinded by what they are affected that they forgot
forgot what is happening
they start to neglect the beautiful things around them
but if they were to let themselves out,
and see how beautiful things are,
they will achieve great happiness
simple happiness
it wont be called happiness if it isnt simple anywayz
interesting isnt it?
life?
yes, its interesting
yet so complicated
i hope all my close ppl will find their life interesting
but not complicated
dun end up like me
dying off yet no one knows
rather pathetic
who to trust?
who can be trusted?
teachers?
nah
humans cant be trusted
none of them
thats why
i'm left alone
pretty right?
yeah
love....it seem to be not something we can control
HAHA
i really dun want to continue anywayz
dunno what i am doing
who i am
what i am supposed to do
haha
nice life~
with only myself left,
i live the "BEST LIFE"
who envies me?
haha
dun...cause you can see the inverted commas
choir...dun feel like working hard anymore
no point
worked so hard for 2 and a half years
yet as lousy as ever
give up
once my effort was left with pathetic 5%
haha
really no point
everything is so far away from me
really far...

SicKeNinG LiFe...

what a real sickening life is?
who wanna know?
dun try, cause you'll get freaked out
my life=sickening life
facing so many things
without anyone understanding
no one helping
no one listening to me
no one having the slightest patience
no one to trust
isnt that nice?
life juz gets worse and worse for me
uncertainity
facing so many things
mabel still makes my life miserable as usual
i'm already left with nothing...
why does she still want to take away everything from me?
i'm tired enough...
running for the presidency for student council
knowing its impossible to get it
have to face mabel again
making me stressed and feel small
screwed life
my life is juz in a mess
koon hiang....got the chairman post in choir
can see she's stressed by mabel also
sigh
too many things that i cant remember
haven recovered...wanna give up
can feel my head going to explode...
wanna dig my heart out
it hurts....it really does
someone please kill me...
i really dunno who i am
why i'm living
what i am living for
let me leave this place
this place where i dun belong
freaking tired..
four teachers asking whats wrong with me
i have no idea either
really
thats why its so sickening
too many things....
really miserable and pathetic
unsecure
i really seem like a dead person
dots
not living...
dead!!!
muahahaha!!
everyone are liars...
break their promises
no one can be trusted
heck everything
living like a dead person
dun try being me
never try it
you'll regret
a life full of hatred and sorrows
interesting isnt it?
hahaz
whatever
gor....miss you alot
but always dunno what to talk to you
you told me to laugh at the little things we have
you told me to laugh more in the day
even if i break down after that
i tried
sometimes i did it
i really did it
and sometimes i really cant
you said it will feel tired
and thats why its so difficult
yes....i'm really tired...
but i succeeded sometimes
manages to laugh and go crazy in the day
even though deep inside i'm really tired and hurt
i did it
but right after that,
i broke down
everytime
this is my life....
can i juz end it?
can i not continue?
can i end everything?
what am i working so hard for?
i really have no idea...
tell me, what have i done to deserve all these?
am i wrong?
sinful?
tell me...
if not, juz kill me
stab me through my heart
its easier
everyone is juz so fake...
so am i
hatred...i hate everyone
but i hate myself most
disgusting freaking idiot=me
i want to lose all my memories
anywayz there aren't any nice memories for me to remember
so might as well forget everything
let me leave this world
no one will bother or notice anywayz
who is mei wah?
no one knows
hahaz its nice
i'm loving it
hohoho
for someone who dunno who she is,
what she's thinking,
what she's doing,
whats happening,
etc etc,
she might at well dun exist isnt it?
only contributing to more carbon dioxide
and excess CO2 might lead to global warming
no one tells me whats going on
not even joel want to tell me
who am i??????
tired and sick of this life
KILL ME!!!
MUAHAHAHA!!!!

It JuZ GeTs WoRse...

why does my pain juz gets worse? why do i fall even greater? why cant i even at least juz maintain?? my world's closing in. who would care? maybe gor. he's the only one. i give up councillors. i hate them. but i hate myself even more. what wrong have i done? what have i done to deserve all these? why cant i juz die off? why do everyone everything have to torture me like that? i dun belong to this freaking world. i juz dont. why does everyone start detesting me? i'm already tired enough... please. stop everything. who doesnt want to be happy? who doesnt want to be loved? i dun need to be happy. neither do i want to be loved. i juz hope no one will dislike or detest me. everything, they're getting so far. i dun understand this world. what does this world comprise of? i hope, the doctors would tell me one day that i'm going to die soon. its torturous. i dun want this life. i hate myself. who am i? i need someone to tell me. who the hell am i? my name, my looks, my everything, they're so far away. what can i do? nothing. sit back, get detested, and wait fer death. i have no other feelings except hatred, pain and hurt. whats the point of everything? someone tell me. who am i? i have nothing. i have lost everything. so my life is meaningless. i dun need anything, dun want anything. i juz hope this life ends. i juz hope when i leave , everyone will be happy and in harmony. things dun come in my way, and i have no choice. i've lost everything. one day, i'll juz lose my life. but why doesnt it get lost quickly? no one will remember me, i have nothing, so there isnt anything for me to stay in this world. i feel that, only gor will love me. and tong staying by my side. and jie. maybe, they the only ones who might understand how it hurts. but they wont understand still. my pain. they wont. but i still wanna thank them for loving me. the only ones who will not detest me maybe? a big thank you to all of you. and, i really love you all. juz that i really have no more energy left to love you all, or to do anything. but trust me, i really do love you all. the important ppl in my life. the whole of my life. gor, you once said i am still young, i have hope. but do you know that thats what i've been asking myself often? i'm still young. why do i have to face everything? why am i fated and supposed to lose everything when i'm still young? no idea. no one knows the answer. they wouldnt know. pointless and meaningless. hatred and pain. hurt and hell. very nice combination. and a very beautiful life.

WhaT The RuDDy HeLL Is LiFe aLL AbouT?

zzzz sianz.... wth life... damn life. whats the point man? its extremely meaningless. i'm tired. really tired... juz wanna close my eyes and never wake up. i dun want to face anything, or anyone. life is juz a pile of shit, a pile of dung. damn disturbing thing- life. it sucks. kill me. whats the point in everything? pointless. might as well heck care. my tiredness, my pain, my hurt... no one will see. neither will anyone care. i wanna leave this world. really. i cant stand it anymore. i'm falling. see how long can i stand? fall. soon. i'll juz stand until one day i cant stand and juz die off. doesnt make any difference to anyone anywayz. life sucks. i hate life. i hate myself. hell tired. i wanna give up. who will know how painful it is? how tired i am? how hurt i feel? or who would even bother?? no one. thats the conclusion. i had to be strong in front of everyone. had to act like i'm in a good mood everyday. had to hide all my pain. no one will know or shall know. its not easy to be me. not easy to understand. but dun ever try man. its not a toy. nothing fun to play with. suffocate me, the pain. can i juz sleep forever? i'm tired... i dun want to do anything else anymore.... my limit... my energy...all of it...are being used up already. i'm glad, at least i made it. the camp... i could stand until the camp is over... so now even if i fall dead, its alright. i wanna thank everyone for their help at the camp... but its time for me to leave, which i actually hope its soon, then my time is up. i wanna juz leave this world. this meaningless life. this life of hatred. everything hurts me. juz let me die, why torture me?? why muz everyone do this to me? no, they didnt. i have completely no idea. everything seems wrong to me. everything feels so wrong to me. wth. i'm tired....

I WaNNa EnD EveRyThinG

sec 3 life. tiring. but thats not why i'm so tired. i am always tired anywayz. no different actually. recently always stayed in school, somedays with angie in the canteen, some in the councillor room. i juz din want to go home. anywayz, does it matter? is there any diff? in school or at home, its the same. no matter where i am, its the same... i dun belong anywhere. i dun belong in this world. so does it make a difference where i am? no it doesnt. i really dunno until when can i move on until... i'm really tired. my life is meaningless. its a total failure. thats my motto. a life of hatred. a life of failure. i'm juz so tired. i want to end everything. i juz want to give up everything and leave this world. can i? i dont know. i have the rights. its my own life. yet my life belong to my mother. i really want to juz end everything. why cant anyone juz kill me? shoot me. my life. my life is painful. it hurts. everything hurts me. i'm tired. my world, is juz a piece of darkness. with no one in it. i'm alone, like i always am. no difference. i juz want to end everything now. i dun even want to know what happened to me already. whats the point? totally pointless. i want to give up councillors, give up my studies and everything, and juz leave this world. give up my life. it sucks. its painful. no one will understand and they better not... its not easy to be me. i hate everything in this world. i hate myself. i resented everything. im getting more and more tired. i will fall one day. i have no tomorrow. i dun remember the past, cant feel the present and dun see the future. i dun feel that i have a tomorrow. hows this kind of life? i know, i will leave one day. maybe, tomorrow, maybe, today. i wont know. no one knows. i'm a weakling... muahahaha. sickening life. i'm really tired. i want to stop. to end everything. including my life.

CaN FeeLinGs Be ConTroLLeD??

damn confusing... can feelings be controlled? juz came back from sec one orientation camp today... from 4 jan to 6 jan...missed 2 days of lssons... hahaz. i have no idea...about something... there's someone whom i dunno whether i like or not... bout that bulldog is not real. but this im not sure... in that bulldog's case, i was messed up by my things and wasnt calm to think it through. my feelings that time was in a mess. so i was wrong. but this... haizz.. mabel said she thinks i really like him... but i dunno. helpless. but anywayz, i cant like anyone. i dun want either. i'm one with no feelings remember? a body without a soul. and i dun want to get hurt anymore. love is like a needle. a cactus. it pricks, hurts also. and exciting. but i really dun want to get hurt anymore. i'm one with no feelings. i only will hurt ppl... i dun understand... why dun ppl cherish what they have? their most basic ability to feel love and happiness. their ability to have feelings? i have lost all my abilities. i'm juz nothing. like what gor said:
Im sick of doing everything just for the sake of spending time, just to get another day over.. I want a life too... haizz. but can we? i know its impossible for me and gor... we're in the same world. but he doesnt think i am. hahaz. told you no one knows a thing bout me. anywayz, does it matter? i have no feelings, everything's fake. i dun belong here. i wanna leave. i want to end everything. i really hope ppl can cherish. cause its not easy to be me. i'm tired. write my name in the death notebook. kill me by the god eyes, i dun mind. everydays the same. tiring. i dunno when will i fall. i have no more strengths to do anything... i wanna sleep forever. know about nothing. dun have to face anything. thats nice... i can feel nothing except hatred. this is my life. extremely meaningless. a total failure. a life of hatred. a life of failure. a simple wish yet difficult. might as well forget bout that wish. i'm juz so tired. hope everyone's well.

ConFuSioN

i'm so damn confused by everything... whats going on? what the hell is going on??? who can tell me??? tell me!!! whats wrong with everything and everyone? i really dunno anything. hell. juz so uncertain. everything. everything i do feels so wrong. no, it is wrong!! no one helps me! i juz want to live a peaceful life. a noble ambition. a nice dream. WHY?! why muz it be so difficult?? i really dunno what the hell they're thinking. why do they have to make everything so difficult for me??? everything's juz so uncertain, unsure. hell. who wanna try being me? being someone who can only feel hatred, pain. who wanna be like me? someone who cant even feel the slightest bit of happiness, love. even if there really is. i dun even have the basic thing every human has-laughter. what is happiness? ask me? no idea. asked the wrong person. i really give up... this world... so tiring to do anything... wanna cry. but does it help? will i even feel a bit better after that? no. its the same. everyday, every minute, every second... hatred. its bloody nice. i really do not have any more strengths to do anything... i juz feel so tired. i wanna cry. i wanna rest. i wanna stop. i dun wanna continue anymore. no one will know, no one will understand. i dun have the ability to feel happiness. since everyone else has, why wouldnt they juz make use of it? i've lost the ability long ago. what i want is juz so simple, yet so difficult. pain and hatred. lol. how nice. i'm really tired... i cant feel anything. i want to stop. i want to end. its juz too tiring. i'm only a passerby in everybody's life. no one will remember me. what and for whom am i living for? easy question. my mother. i'm living for her. i'm doing everything for her. i'll work hard. i'll achieve and be successful. one day, she'll see my success and be happy. i want her to be fortunate. to be proud of me. but when she leaves, i'll leave with her. i want her to feel the happiness. besides that, there's nothing for me to live on. i have to go on. for her. and i do want everyone to be happy. yes of course. but no one will remember me. never mind. whatever. whatever i do is wrong. blame on me. i dun mind. everything i do is wrong. everything feels so wrong. take a gun and shoot me. i'll be grateful. thanks a lot. i'll really be grateful. go on, shoot me. kill me. i dun exist anywayz

HaiZz ShouLd I ForGiVe HiM???

damn.... should i forgive him? haizz... sometimes i dunno why but i cant feel angry with him. and sometimes i feel that angry... no matter what he hurt me so deeply... why should i forgive him? he some sort betrayed me... why should i forgive him? yet i really cant bear not to... i seem to feel like forgiving him... if i forgive him, maybe we'll be nothing after that... so what'll my heart decide? should i? haizz... he keep asking me to forgive him... mabel keep asking me whether i'm alright and whether this will affect our friendship...truthfully i really dunno... though i can sms and talk to her on the phone, i dun feel like meeting or seeing her... not for the time being bahx... no matter what i still need time to recover... but why is this taking so long? it shouldnt be like that... i usually can recover very fast de... why did i let him into my life? why did i let him affect me? affect my mood and everything... my brain is going to burst... haizz... i'm already feeling very tired le...yet still got this thing to bother me... haizz... why muz be like this? yesterday i skipped choir.. really dun feel like going...feeling damn tired.... and also i dun wanna see mabel... and she and him thinks that i din go choir because of this. well, its true... but the time i also really feeling damn tired... after that went out with gor and hui ying jie... but because i'm too tired to do anything or even talk, they keep talking, scared i bored or sianz... hahaz... sorry. and gor bought coke fer me in burger king...i dun like ppl to treat me derhx... so i refused to drink...but thinking that it'll be a waste if i dun drink cause gor and hui ying jie already sharing one big coke lerhx...so i had to drink... then we went marine parade k box... i know they go because of me... they know i love singing... thanks... gor going broke... the k box plus buffet de so expensive... but because i never eat before that kind of food, i didnt eat... sorry again... thanks for everything...gor and hui ying jie... not i dun like everything or i'm unhappy... juz really tired and bothered... sorry and thanks... haizz... haizz... back to him... why should i let him affect me?!?! if he didnt appear in my life, i would be the same... and i dun care... why.......... now i cant concentrate in everything i do... who am i? truthfully i still dunno... but dun worry... im still as pathetic as ever... the previous posts... still the same... no worries... muahahaha... pain, hurt and hatred... beautiful life aint it? hahaz of course~ gor and hui ying jie, hope you all are well... love you all!!!

DoEs LoVe ReaLLy ExiSt???

yoz... long time never write lerhx... humans' thinkings are really strange aren't they? in a few seconds time, millions of thing can come into your mind, either good or bad. happy or unhappy, your mood might change in a second. so no one's able to predict anything. so whats the use for a fortune teller already? haizz... love comes fast too. hui khin, maybe you shouldnt have invited me to your chalet BBQ. if you didnt, i wouldnt have met him either... but i din regret though. in hui khin's BBQ, i met a guy. we bickered alot. from when we walked out of the chalet to go out walk walk. until we went home, gone separate ways... even in the bus bickered so loudly... mabel cant stand it keep shouting fer us to shut up and keep quiet. muahaha.. i hit him even... didnt expect that i will like him after that... took his number from hui khin... and smsed him. yesterday i went to help mabel in her shop. she say she alone scared cannot handle... so i had to wake up early to help her... slept the night before at 2... and woke up at 5 to help her out... zZzzz. i gave him mabel's number... cause i feel that he likes her... i told him not to tell mabel that i knew his number, not to tell her i smsed him. and not to tell her that i gave him mabel's number... in the end? he told her everything. told her i tell him to woo her. why? why does everyone want to do that to me? why does everyone want to deceive me? why muz they break all my trust in them? why muz they bluff me? why muz they do this? its really painful... all the things that i have to face. why cant they at least do a simple thing such as keeping their promises? why cant they even try not to lie? the people i trusted most, those whom are important to me. yet they deceives me. tell me how to trust them... tell me how to trust anythign everything? mabel, freeze, him... maybe there're still many... but i din know? its not the first time i was deceived. yet i had to control. i had to fake. i had to try my best not to seem hurt. but i cant. i was too hurt. i cried in front of mabel, in her shop(dun worry that time no customer). she din understand what happened and asked him. questioned him. and told him i cried.(nice isnt it? another one. another time) i told mabel maybe i liked him(thats before everything happened). then we worked cause got customers. suddenly came in alot. hell. wasnt myself. keep doing wrong things. hahaz. in the midst of being busy, mabel still got time keep asking me whether i like him not. as i dunno myself, i said dunno. then she told me what i guessed correctly(as stated above) that he is wooing her... well, i'm used to it. its not the first time anywayz. i wanna thank them. and him. for preventing me from forgetting all my hatred. for making me give up entirely in love. i wont ever fall in love with anyone again. love doesnt exist. it doesnt. so why bother caring bout it. i give up. its really tiring. no one will understand anywayz. when i told mabel i wont ever fall in love again, and that i like him more than shaun, her reply was: anything la. i hate to be entangled in these things... did she ever think about me? think fer me? she hates being entangled in these. what about me? how hurt was i feeling at that time and not a consoling word came out from her. i was depressed. hell. now i know... i really know. and i wont ever believe again. no one knows....how tired i am. how much i really wished, that when i close my eyes, i will sleep forever. and never wake up. so i wouldnt have to face any more things... this world. is hell. worse. now, in my heart, besides hatred, i cant feel anything. there's no love. muahahaha. its nice. anywayz i'm one who cant feel anything. so why bother? in everyone's life, i'm only a passerby. someone who only appears to say hi. someone who leaves and no one will remember... dun bother bout me. i'm really very tired. my pain and hurt. its wonderful. i only have myself. no one else. my life, is meaningless. i live, to work hard to earn money for my mother to lead a better life. i really juz hope she can cope until that day, when i succeeded. thats the only thing i'm living for. muahahaha. you wait, one day i'll let those who despised us, those who made my mother's life miserable to know....that we're better than them. rich so what? hell them. i will make them know...see how's their reaction. muahahaha!!! anywayz my life's nothing except this. heck

Who ThE RuDDy HeLL CaN SaVe Me?

hahaz. not a good title i can think of. anyhow write. doesnt matter anywayz... dun give a damn. i dun want to give a damn. i dun want to bother... what i want is simple... a peaceful life... thats all. i dun even need love relationships... maybe i havent reached the state whereby i totally gave up... thats why its so pain. but that doesnt mean that by totally giving up, there'll be no pain. no. there'll still be. its like ma mu le... whatever... no one will understand... no one will understand how it feels to feel nothing... no one will understand how i'm feeling now... totally hopeless helpless... not knowing what i'm doing... cant think... the best is, i dun even know who am i... i'm not sure. i dunno. everybody refused to tell me. no one tells me whats happening. hatred. blood. i've experienced. torture. i want to give up. but now i understand how gor feels... i cant give up. no one allows me to. i cant stop. i cant rest. i cant even have the chance to cry. to scream. this world... haha. i'll juz have to continue, until i fall. until one day, i juz fall dead. and no one will know me. no one will remember me. i'm really tired... i dun want to know anything... i dun want to face anything... i agree with one saying...that imaginations are complicated, facing reality aren't that difficult. but i only agree with the front part. this world... to hard to believe. to trust. there's no love. only fakes. deceiving is everybody's hobby. this world is ugly.. i juz want to leave this place. i really want to leave this place. i want to go somewhere no one knows me. a place whereby i'm carefree. what do i care and what do i not? told you, i dunno who am i. dunno what i'm doing... dunno whats happening. no one will know how much it hurts... no one will understand. everybody...leave me... dun bother... i'm a no one. i'm someone who doesnt know anything... i'm someone who cant feel a thing. no one will understand. and no one can save me. i'll juz continue until i fall dead. no one will know...that the pain's suffocating me... i really.... cant remember the past, i have no memories...what are they? who can tell me? i cant feel the present. so can anyone tell me whats happening around me now? i cant see the future. there's no need for a fortune teller. tell you. this world is a freak. i hate... everything, everybody... i want to leave.... i really do...

WhaTs TheRe To WisH FoR???

in this world....there really isnt love. no matter how hard i tried, i'm still invisible.. to eveyone. to gor, to everybody....and to wei shan. invisible people stays invisible forever. no use trying. fated... wei shan, i know that maybe you feel that we dun like you or are leaving you out, but have you really think it through thoroughly? you say no one cares. you din see me. cause im invisible. i dun need or want you to care for me, or even see me. but at least i hope you will think and feel that i care. i dun want to force you either. but i really want to care for you and you dun even give me the chance to. you said no one understands, but if you dun even let anyone know, how will you know if they wouldnt understand? i tried. tried in everything. gave my best shot. tried hard. but all i want is everyone to be happy. to be fortunate. even if they dun see me. even if i am hurt. i dun care. but i want everyone to be happy. why? why cant you even help me in that? yeah true...being happy isnt easy...or should i say its impossible to me. i'm in pain. and tired of this world. this world is complicated. impossible to know or understand. full of betrayers and fakers...hell..you would never know....i'm really tired....too tired to carry on... but i cant rest also. juz continue until i fall... i do everything as you say. even if i din want to... today going to watch the grudge 2...you din know actually how scared i am... i know its going to be very scary...maybe i juz close my eyes... but i will turn up. because you wanted to watch. even if i dun even think im in the wrong, i said sorry to you. trying my best to cheer you up, let you be happy. but you juz din want. you juz din want to help me. i'm really tired....tired from everything... sometimes i juz wanna lie in bed and sleep....forever...but even my sleep are never peaceful. the dreams are disturbing me.... i cant rest. and i'm really tired lerhx....dunno when i'll juz fall...and never be able to stand up...too weak...no strength....and guess it'll be soon bahx...because no one sees me, it doesnt bother anymore... cause no one will even know...i give up...i give up trying to know this world. i give up in my dreams and ambitions....i give up in everything... i dun fit in anywhere.... and no one knows...

WeLL, WhaT Is LoGiC???

whats logic? maybe there isnt such thing called logic bahx... as days, months, years passed by, i see no logic in this world anymore. logic has vanished. logic, trueness, love, care, concern....all good things that you can list. they have all disappeared. vanished into thin air. there isnt any in the owrld anymore. all are fakes. lies, selfishness, betrays, hatred, kill, blood....those are the things that are in this world now. beautiful aint it? all the bad things....this world... how i wish it really come to an end... soon... muahaha. mabel... i want to forgive and forget... i want to reaccept her... trying hard to... improving le bahx? hahaz. jie is right... the art to forgive... hahaz. but the hurt remains... forever. in my heart. why? when i finally got the slightest bit the hope for this world cause i tried forgiving mabel, you muz destroy it? fakers... liers... betrayers... realised mabel is better than you a million times... how can you? when i saw you in tm, my first feeling was scared instead of excited and happy. too scared to call you. i knew you changed. but i didnt expect you to become like that. what made you become like that? why muz youtreat me and monica like that? how cruel are you? i trusted you so much. listed you as my forever best fren. a special place that not everyone can be placed in my heart. yet you... how can you? no hope left. whats left is still only hatred. hatred to this world. there's no love. all are fakes. pain and hurt...there's nothing i can do. i'm standing at the same spot. not moving at all. gave up...really...i'm really very tired...no strengths to continue. to think.to help. to do things. to remember. no one will understand...its too difficult. this world...too difficult to know...to understand... my brain stopped working. but my heart is aching every minute... every second... too pain that i dun even know why i am hurt... i forget, but the pain gets stronger...it doesnt heal. it doesnt get better. and i gave up trying to get better... it gets worse. more pain as minutes and seconds pass by... whats the point? i really dun remember why i am hurt. why i feel pain. why...... i cant remember a thing...thats nothing good. cause the pain's still there... it will forever be there..heck. dun care bout anything le... i have no energy to care anywayz... i'm juz a body without a soul... who am i? hahaz. i dunno... i really cant remember whats hurting me...what i've gone through...whats happened. the pain... is suffocating me..i cant breathe... i hate... hatred has covered me. pain and hurt have taken my whole heart... believe...thats what i always tell others... but do i believe? i never did. maybe once i did. but not now. and never am i going to le. dun intend to at least. not going to rely on anyone... i dun want to rely anymore.... I HATE LIFE!!!!!!!!!! IT SUCKS!!!!! whats happenning? whats happened? i dunno. i cant remember. how nice... i cant remember. cant think far...im useless. idiot. saying the same things cause i cant think further anymore... no one can help me. and no one shall. whee~ i love pain

WhaT Is The MeaNinG oF EveRyThinG???

haizz. well, long time never write le... this blog only got a few posts hahaz. dun have the time, or the mood? to write... hahaz.this world...is damn freaky...many kinds of peeps out there... impossible to know everyone of them...they might not be who they seem to be also anywayz... people come and go... and people change as time goes by... change too quickly...makes people unable to believe, to even know what to do... impossible to understand... this world is turning more and more scary... but what can i do? nothing, practically nothing... piece of shit...no one saves me. no one is there fer me. no one helps me. no one teaches me. no one tells me what to do. no one listens to me. no one understands... so why bother? its not that i really dun want to rely... i tried searching fer someone whom i can rely and tell my things to. but to no avail. no one. searched frantically. wanted someone to rely on badly. but there was no one. gave up. completely no one. haizz... din want to rely then.. maybe even if there was someone, i wouldnt do it either. i might not have the courage. too coward to do anything... like an idiot. hahaz. life is full of miseries... hell. hatred. bloody.darkness. whee~ see my frens depressed. wanted badly to help them. really i do. and i tried all means. be there fer them. hoped i can at least do something fer them. my only wish is that everyone would be happy. smiling everyday. doesnt matter i cry or what. as long as they smile... i only know what is smile on others. but i myself have not the slightest idea what is smile or laugh. whats that? hahaz. cool. i didnt know. i dunno. confused. i want people to rely on me, then when they got back to their feet, they leave me. maybe i'm too useless that anyone would even rely on me? im useless. idiot. stupid. hell. dreams....gave up long ago? no one will understand. hell is near. or am i in it? doubt so. whats life all about? selfishness.betray.nicest word:hell. no one will know how much i hated this world.... hurt? whee~ no idea why i was in this world. why did my mother give birth to me? whats the point? why do people have to grow up? face more things. cry.scream. thats what i wanted to do. but realised i cant even do all those... dun even have the chance to let everything out. cant scream. cant cry. how pain? too tired. too tired to even scream or cry... gave up everything... didnt want to put hopes in anything anymore. wishes, hopes, dreams. all vanished. whats left is hatred, pain, hurt, giving up and blood. i dun understand anything anym0re. hell. piece of shit. let me carry all the burdens. give me all the pain everyone. its nice. i dun need anyone to understand. this world is full of unfairness and selfishness. no idea what to do le. no one can tell me. cause they din even know. hahaz. no one shall know. who am i? can anyone tell me? hahaz. whee~ hell

HaIzz PeoPLe CoMe AnD Go....

haizz people come and go in our lives...sometime they go so quickly that it seems like they have never entered our lives before. but life still continues... wont that be too tiring? or should i say it IS very tiring. facing all these crap and having still to continue. hell. i know myself that i have changed. from an innocent little girl who doesnt say any bad words to one who has a great bad temper who feels irritated by the slightest thing. because i hate? because there is hatred in me? my heart? because i was influenced by that mabel? or what? i have completely no idea. i am selfish. i am a darn idiot who doesnt spare a thought for anyone. i hate life. mr glenn left school. no fun anymore. i dun hate studying but i hate that school. no idea why. there seems to have no place for me. everywhere is the same... everything is the same. who will pity me? who will see me? im juz a transparent person. ppl forgets me. and i dun give a damn anymore. whats the point? they still leave anyway. im juz like a stone. sitting there all day pass time there. cars pass by me. no one will notice. hell. i hate everything. but the thing i hate most is myself! how to torture myself? get sick. man i love it. being sick~~ it feels juz so great. i am not like gor. i dun hurt myself by cutting myself or biting the tongue? i juz get sick. try the best i can to get sick. its nice~ whatever. really tired le. by all the things. who would like to be like me? facing all these? everyone, all of them, to me are a burden. no idea why. but thinking of anyone juz makes me sian. life is like that. sian. boring. hell. a transparent person will forever be a transparent person. so why bother trying hard to add in colours to make be opaque so that ppl can see me? i give up le. really. really very tired. i have no strength to continue. gor became weak. all my frens dun seem to be my frens. all the same. i always have myself only. i dun reply on anyone. i hate. whats the point??? no one will understand. no one will care. no one will even know me. so lets juz continue this kind of stupid life. tears... haha. when i feel like crying, i have to force my tears back in cause i dun even have to chance, the right to drop a tear. but when i have the chance to cry at home, no tear can be forced out. have always been like that so no use saying le. haizz. no chance to stop to rest. so juz continue. faking a smile everyday. haha. fun~ mabel says these days she facing depression.haha. i didnt know someone facing depression can say that she herself is facing depression.haha.whatever~ doesnt concern me. i am really trying hard. to control my temper against everyone. but there is too much hatred. too much for me to control. i treid hard really. its real tiring to hate. haizz. i wanna let go. i really want to rest. can i? no i cant. it continues... its unfair. but... what can i do lehx? juz continue being like that. facing all these crap. torturing myself by being sick. geez now i am sick already anywayz. nice~ haizz try bahx. try to let me carry all other ppl de burden... take away all their miseries. help them. my only dream. doesnt matter whether they see me or not le. doesnt matter. haizz. no idea le. i dun even know who i am now. my name sounds like a stranger to me. like i have never heard before. haizz. whatever~~

I Beg For Heaven To Stop It....

please stop it......i really have no more strength to continue anymore..... I give up.... i cant remember the past and memories, i cant feel the present, i cant see the future..... why? why everytime i lie on my bed, before i sleep, i always hope that the nest morning when i wake up, when i open my eyes, i will at least feel abit better.... at least see some hope.... but why? why am i feeling worse as days and nights go by??? i really dunno when i will collapse...when i have no more strength to continue.....im really vert tired..... i dun want to face anything now...... no hope..... no future....how meaningful life is like that..... i always wanted to walk forward, to walk by the path, but i have no strength to continue anymore.... hurt, scars, whatever..... doesnt matter to me anymore.....

I ReaLLy DuNNo MySeLf AnyMoRe~

haizz dunno lerhx....i dunno who am i lerhx lahx....frustrate but cant show...sad but got to hide... have to fake a smile everyday... no one knows and no one will understand so why bother telling or explaining to them? sian diao... Everyone thinks mabel is holy good... a very gentle, cute, loveable girl.... I PUKE! juz the sight of her makes my want to puke more ever her act cute voice.... really acbc... I hate her and that will be a fact forver! Once i thought she is weak and she is the fren i want to protect but now.....she is a bitch who acts in front of everybody and uses her acting to let everyone like her.... i realised and i regretted giving her so much attention.... I hate her to the core and this will never change! she will lose everything and im waiting to see her fall! She will have her retribution! She made me lose everything, made me so miserable and pathetic..... she will get it one day... I hate this world! The most i hate is myself!! Gor, you wll never know..... You will be pleased to know that i now have my own thinkings, but you will also be worried cause you wouldnt know me.... sorry... i cant go by my promise to you... I have to break it regardless i promised you 2 times... I havent have any contact with you or a long time and i might only want to speak to you at the end of the year of maybe a few more months later... sorry... maybe by that time, you have long forgotten me... But i believe you wouldnt since i can feel that you really care for me.... Maybe you are the only one who really cared for me, who really loved me... I thank you.... Thanks and sorry... Gor i love you too!

HaIzz FaLLInG SooN LeRhx...

haizz two times liaoz! two times i typed so much in the end POOP! last time is cannot load properly then no mood to type again... Now is computer crash! Dammit! Life is so beautiful full of hatred! haizz everyone thinks that i should not have so much troubles and hatred since im so young.... But is this so??? i dun think so.... Gor thinks i am dan chun and i hated people saying that..... But now i realised how wonderful it is to be dan chun.... At least you would be happy and not think so much.... How nice it is.... Ting why wont you ever get what we trying to tell you? why you juz HAVE TO make us worry for you and you give us that kind of attitude? You are really spoilt and HOPELESS..... After so many things, you can still patch up with him...... man i really dunno what you are thinking....... how can you.....??? It hurts me not only that you have been so stupid to patch up with him, and also that you didnt even bother to tell me anything.... But... Who am i to you that you have to tell me anywayz? haizz.... I am turing to someone i dun even know... Who exactly am i? Even Mei Wah these two words seem to decent to me now..... My temper, attitude and everything.... THEY ARE NOT MINE!!! what happened to me? I really dunno anymore.... Maybe one day i might go crazy...... I love homework, i love to be busy.... So i wont think bout anything..... I hate everyone.... I hate this whole world! But the most i hate is myself! Im a complete idiot! When i need someone to be there, no one is..... I shouldn blame anyone.... IS me who made myself become like that....... OR? that bitch? She is a bitch and slut no wrong.... She made me become like that.... And now that my visions are all fake and have no feelings for anything. She made me hate everything! She is the culprit of my sickness! She will get her retribution one day...... She will lose everything one day like she made me lose mine! I have no more strength to do anything.... No more strength to face her and i hate seeing her face! Think she so pretty oh my! PUKE~~ Disgusting wonder why brandon likes her.... Muz be even blind than me...... He will realise her true colours one day and regret his decision! She doesnt deserve all what she got now..... juz the sight of her makes me wanna vomit moreever her actions..... I am now not me....DO NOT BLAME ME!

aRe aLL DesTiNaTeD?

Same... All the days are the same for me... No differnce, all so dull and boring... Life is all the same... Meaningless... Lame.... Why would i end up with such lousy PSLE grades and go into this idiotic school and meet idiotic people? Why would i meet Mabel this bitch and can tolerate her until this day? Why? Why are there so many whys and questions in this world? WHY??? I have no feelings for anything now... My visions are so fake that it is faker than in dreams... Will anyone understand??? No... No one will... They wouldnt even care... I really dunno how long i can stand... Maybe one day i will juz fall and collapsed on the ground... I really have no more strength to continue... I too have dreams which i wish it will come true one day... But its too far... I really want to cry... But it never succeeds.... I really have no more strength.... I'm feeling real weak to even fake a smile... Life is so meaningless that nothing can make me really smile from the bottom of my heart.... Nothing.... Long time didnt contact with gor le dunno how is he doing... Should be the same bahx him? Playing his games hoping that he can forget everything, killing time.... Like that everyday...... Haizz...... Results for this mid year are not bad..... I am contented already...... Juz hate this damned stupid life..... haizz... Sick of it....

ALL aRe FaKe

Love is fake. There is no real love in this world. All the sweet talkings and everything are all fake. They are juz to decieve us and make us love them them. And when they leaves us, they will have all kinds of excuses.... Blaming us and saying they are not in the wrong. They juz stopped loving us so they abandon us. Whats so great about love? Dun get deceived. I will never believe in love again. All fakes. These days something wrong with me... I am always tired and sleepy when i slept so much and i cant focus on anything... I cant remember anything i memorised for tests and exams and i cant seem to think... Haizz... Why does Lao Tian Ye give me so many tests... I haven passed that and another one comes out. I cant stand it... I really cant stand it le... No one is and will be there for me... I know that and i have to face everything myself... I can feel nothing now... So it wouldnt hurt much but i rather i have feelings... I want to feel the things around me... But i cant now... I want to be hurt... There is no way for me... I have been running away from things.... I have always been.... I thought i am facing them... I taught people to face realitys but i myself dun... In the end i am so hurt... Shang hen lei lei... Haizz... Why is it so difficult to live in this world? Why is this world so confusing? I myself want love too... But i hate it too... I want others to believe but i dun.... Believing is a kind of blessing too... But i dun... I dun beleive in anyone, anything, especially love... I have only hate now... Hatred...

LoVe Is BlinD...

People say that love is blind... But does anyone really know what is love? When they think that it is love, it might only be an admiration for a short period... Maybe there are no real love in this world... I am starting to more and more not believe in love... I dun trust anyone now... And there is really something wrong with me... my attitute is starting to be bad... I dun want it but cant control it... Is it selfish? Yes i am selfish... But not only they feel terrible... I feel worse than them... The kind of feeling... Its so hard to describe... I want to be like before... At least having a life... Now i feel so dead that nothing seems to be of any concern to me.... I dun seem to be awake nor do i have any feelings now... I dunno what happened and what to do... haizz... There is no one to help me anymore... I cant love others like that... I cant care for others like that... Cause i cant save myself, how am i going to save others? Hoping others understand when i dun say it out.. How smart of me... I need to say myself but how? I really feel very bad now... Feel like crying but cant cry out... haizz... I really hope i cant escape and hide... But there is no way to do so... I have to face it, solve it... When i dun even have the strength to think bout it anymore... what can i do? i really dunno myself now... i wanna go read the horoscope book but i dun want to live my life by the book... And i'm afraid that Mabel will start believing and living by the book again... haizz....why is life so complicated and difficult? Mabel says my attitute is really very bad and i know that... Before she told me i already knew that earlier on... But i dunno what happened... Haizz... I believe the reason is not because i broke up with rudolf... Cause right after that i am still fine... WHAT HAPPENED TO ME??!!?!? Fed up... I know that love is unable to cure me so what can cure me? Mabel doesnt understand so she think that love can cure me... She dunno how i feel... She dunno much of my changes and things... She is not sure of my things... haizz... I'm so confused and tired...