A Sad World.

this blog is like, my unhappy world?
then what about the other blog?
happy world?
which is the real me, sometimes i really wonder
i have many sides
happy, unhappy, optimistic, pessimistic
laughable, crying, jokey, attitude
smiling, dao.....so on and so forth~~
now i suddenly think,
blogs are meant to make the distance be shorter isnt it?
why do i feel that it only makes ppl further?
or is it only my thinking?
maybe, i over estimated myself
maybe, i believed in you too much
maybe, i am wrong always...
but i'm tired
so i want to let go
maybe, we shouldnt have known each other
i feel so deadly tired
hatred...it once filled my heart
until one day, i realise i'm stupid
not worth hating others
not worth minding so much
cause they dun give a damn at all
why?
no idea
i hate it...
truthfully, i'm really glad to see ppl being happy
they understand some things, they are contented
they dun despair
but i dun deny, i feel sad
sad that others are moving on
leaving me alone again
cause i juz cant move on
stuck?
its so saddening...
sigh
what to do?
the tears i've shed
the pain i suffered
can they get drowned by sorrows?
the bad memories that stay within my heart
the good and happy memories that is haunting me now
it hurts, to have to accept the fact that i'm crying ALONE
all these years...
i dun want to say sorry anymore
i dun want to bother anymore
i dun want to care anymore
i dun want to see you anymore
i dun want to believe anymore
can i?
please? i beg you...
i want to be free...really
i want to leave...let me go..
my world..feels like walking into a haunted house
haunted by memories
haunted by tears
haunted by the pain i suffered
i dun want to know anymore
i juz want to rest...
to forget everything...
to erase my memories...
and say goodbye to all..

I ThoughT..

i thought i knew
i thought i could do it
i thought i can overcome it
i thought i could forget
i thought i can make myself feel better
i thought i could stop crying
i thought....
in the end?
no
i cant...
its still the same
whats more,
i've always been alone
i'm so tired
who can save me?
whats the point?
this life is too unbearable
no matter what dreams i have,
no matter what thoughts i have
for the future,
they wont work
cause i cant continue anymore..
i'm so tired....
why force me to feel better?
you all dont know,
i really cant do it
i tried so hard
in the end i lost myself
who understands?
no one...
i'm alone
i have no one
i asked heaven: who am i?
no one answers
leaving me behind to cry
cry my heart out and no one knows..

WhaT Am I SuPPoSeD To Do??

someone tell me...
what am i supposed to do?
maybe i shouldnt have read the previous posts
of this blog
i never realised,
or should i say i forgot
how much i hated her
because i chose to let go at the time
i even forgot
actually all these years,
i really have only myself
no one else
i went through everything myself
all the pain, all the hatred, all the changes
so now, i do not need you either
it doesnt make a difference
rely on myself is enough
its tough...
tough until i really feel like killing myself
crying everyday, until i'm so tired
then fall asleep
my life is like that
then i forget everything for the time being
though my dreams are as disturbed
i dont know...
not a second i can rest
this is really hell
where i belong to...
who am i ?.....

GiVe Me A BreaK

life..
happenings..
hatred..
love..
pain..
happiness..
people..
etc etc..
funny, do you think i know what is going on?
no i dont
too bad for me isnt it?
dun have to pity me, cause i'm an idiot also
my home: hell
i juz feel so out of everything
like i'm not in this world
sometimes i really feel like asking someone:
am i dead or alive?
why do i feel so dead?
feel like asking someone to kill me
finish me off
why....
things going around in my head
mind too screwed
feel like clearing everything
zzz
i really hate everything..
so tired..
maybe i'll juz disappear like that someday?
you wont blame me right?
i've really tried my best alr...
my apologies..
maybe that time, i really should have consulted the psychologist
ask him or her whats wrong with me
please...someone take me away..
why is it that i cant even rest well?
in my dreams..they are so disturbed
crying...
can i be alone?
can i sleep forever?
how to continue with my life?...
i really have no idea..
i don't know how..
so juz take me away
anyway i have long accepted the fact that i will never recover
i want to leave
thats my decision

Its juz so painful

everything is juz so unbearable
how long can i last?
i juz have to continue isnt it?
even if everything is worse than hell to me
it hurts..
really hurts so much
i shall continue to hurt myself
until one day when i really recover from the wound in my heart
but that isnt possible anywayz
so what if it will leave scars?
no one knows, how hard it is for me to continue
i have to laugh
i have to smile
i have no choice...
my mind is so screwed
cant remember anything
i dun even know what is happening..
crying everyday...i'm so tired
even in my dream, i cried
why?
why is it so painful?
i really forgot how it feels to laugh heartily
begging, screaming in my dreams
for someone to take me away
no one heard me
i juz have to walk on..
until one day when i can no longer hold on
now i need energy, strength to believe
that one day i can break free
why...
why is it that we can never recover?
over years of torture
it hurts so much...
好痛....

Is This Really Part Of Growing UP?

tell me, what should i do?
is this really part of growing up?
i really dunno how to continue
i'm sorry...
crying is addictive
you never taught me how..
before you left..
why?..
should i look for you?
what i want is really simple too..
i give up..
i'm really sorry..
thanks for everything

Life Seriously Sux

i really dunno how to continue anymore
what to do?
depend or not depend
go on or stop
give up or continue
i totally have no idea anymore
whats happening?
i really dunno
it sux
i hate myself
why am i in this world?
i have dreams, like everyone of you
but i have no choice at all
why?
why do ppl waste away their ability to by happy?
why cant they make full use of it?
dun they understand?
how it feels to be me
how it feels to lose that ability
they dont know
they dont understand...
how to continue?
what am i?
who am i?
i dun belong here at all....
please, stop everything..
why muz everyone leave me?
why muz they lie to me?
i hate it...
why do you see things faster than me?
how did you know i will become like that?
why do you understand me more than myself?
i cant take it anymore...
i'm really tired..
let me go
take me away please...
i will be most grateful...

I WanT To DiE....

sometimes, my wish is to die
no choice le...
i'm not like others.
no matter what i do,
i juz cant feel happy
i've long lost the ability.
who cares?
nobody does.
not even myself.
i dun even know what the hell am i thinking alr.
everything is juz so wrong.
am i living or dead?
i don't know.
i juz want to die..
i seem to be in this world
but yet i feel like i'm in a faraway land
nobody knows me
neither do i know anyone
i've really landed up in the wrong place
i dun belong here.
it hurts too much
i'm a nobody
i dunno who i am
i juz want to leave this place...
someone please take me away..
why do i feel like everyone is leaving me
all the better..
leave me..

Really- No One Understands

you really think i am that happy?
out of all my frens,
you knew most of my things
yet it seemed like you dun understand
of course,
cause you know only a little too
really, no one understands
a life full of only sadness
pathetic
hatred
i really hate everything in this world
i hate myself even more
what life is that?
i dun want to continue my life at all
i dun want it to continue
i want to end everything
i cant stand it anymore
i cant bear with it anymore
i'm falling
i cant smile or laugh much anymore
though all are fakes
now i cant even fake them
crying everyday
no one will understand
sad life

Why? How long can i stand?

sometimes i really wonder
why am i doing so much
for those who dun bother
why am i making myself so tired
for they dun even care
my world is closing in
enough
i will suffocate...
why torture me?
i have no frens
they are not my frens
no one is
for i have only myself
to cry alone everyday
facing pain and upsetness every second
of my life
i've long forgotten what happiness is
forgive me, i' really sorry
but i really need a break
a break from anything
let me go....
how many tears i've shed
how tired i feel
with no one who bothers
walking alone in darkness
i understand, what Naruto and Gaara feels
the thing that differs them from others
the loneliness
the pain
the hatred
i really hate this whole world now
but the person i hate most is the one typing away now
the one who created this diary
i want everyone to be happy
to help me by being happy
to feel happiness,
something that i cant even hope to feel
why nt treasure?
why nt love everything you have?
instead of grumbling away
how long can i stand?
how much more can i move?
nth matters to me now
whatever...
tears of loneliness
tears of upset
tears of unhappiness
tears that i shed,
even it tastes wierd
whats my purpose of living?
no idea
juz
A Life Of Hatred
hatred left...

FreaKinG WorLD

what a life
full of crap
how many sides in the world do i have in me?
wth, damn rubbish
i'm juz so confused...
i see it...why i get confused over reality and dreams and imaginations
juz because the freaking me juz cant get my feelings right
realities seem so fake to me,
whereas dreams and imaginations seemed more real than realities
i always had to take time juz to figure out whats happening
who the tell i am
and whatever whatever
why want my life to go on like that?
living like a dead person?
why is it so hard?
juz to feel things?
i've been trying hard to get back all my feelings
they're lost
i am lost
lost in nowhere
haha
funny....
tired of working hard for nothing
tired of deceiving myself that everything will be fine
tired of deceiving myself that i can overcome everything
all are crap
really, they are
might as well stop
its easier isnt it?
no one will understand, nor even bother
i'm a no one
whee~

What Is Life About? What Is Love....?

asking questions and trying to find out again
what is life about and what is love?
its easy to say,
put everything down and let go
but how many really can do it?
i actually did it.
yes, i did it
but the hurt remains
full of pain and troubles
ppl ask me,
what am i fretting over?
what am i feeling sad for?
my answer: dun ask me, cause i really dunno myself
i didnt lie, i really dunno
funny right?
is it supposed to be like that?
after so many things, troubles, everything
hurt and pain remains
sorrow remains
loneliness remains
but what exactly happened?
i cant remember a thing
seriously...i cant remember
not even who i am
what is the purpose of me being here
heaven made me come into this world for a reason
i always believed that everyone come into this world
for a reason
different reasons for different people
whats mine?
saded
screwed life is mine?
yes, i'm fated to become like that
and thats it
i've no idea
living for nothing
meaningless
i worked so hard
in everything
ccls, choir etc etc
for what reason?
yes, maybe cause i liked it
but the main reason
is juz to show myself i can make a difference somewhere
but you know?
the results dun show so
i'm of no difference
i know, being needed is a form of happiness also
yes, thats what i'm trying to gain
when ppl need me, i will at least feel a bit of staying
in this world
though in my heart, i'm still lonely
i seem to gain a bit of energy to move on
when i'm needed
but no more....i'm not
maybe all these while,
i was juz deceiving myself
i'm unreasonable and a strange peep
i dun hope that ppl will understand me
yet i blame them for not understanding me
i didnt let them know any of my things
how i feel and etc
yet i expect them to understand
what the hell am i thinking?
no idea
funny
laugh~laugh~laugh~
love being engrossed in stories
and drama series
i mean ou xiang ju...
i do not believe in love
love only exists in drama series and novels
feel like staying forever in my world
block everything else out
leave this world
the world that i dun belong to
i'm tired
i know that,
happiness are always around us
maybe a twist of thinking and everything changes greatly
ppl are blinded by what they are affected that they forgot
forgot what is happening
they start to neglect the beautiful things around them
but if they were to let themselves out,
and see how beautiful things are,
they will achieve great happiness
simple happiness
it wont be called happiness if it isnt simple anywayz
interesting isnt it?
life?
yes, its interesting
yet so complicated
i hope all my close ppl will find their life interesting
but not complicated
dun end up like me
dying off yet no one knows
rather pathetic
who to trust?
who can be trusted?
teachers?
nah
humans cant be trusted
none of them
thats why
i'm left alone
pretty right?
yeah
love....it seem to be not something we can control
HAHA
i really dun want to continue anywayz
dunno what i am doing
who i am
what i am supposed to do
haha
nice life~
with only myself left,
i live the "BEST LIFE"
who envies me?
haha
dun...cause you can see the inverted commas
choir...dun feel like working hard anymore
no point
worked so hard for 2 and a half years
yet as lousy as ever
give up
once my effort was left with pathetic 5%
haha
really no point
everything is so far away from me
really far...

SicKeNinG LiFe...

what a real sickening life is?
who wanna know?
dun try, cause you'll get freaked out
my life=sickening life
facing so many things
without anyone understanding
no one helping
no one listening to me
no one having the slightest patience
no one to trust
isnt that nice?
life juz gets worse and worse for me
uncertainity
facing so many things
mabel still makes my life miserable as usual
i'm already left with nothing...
why does she still want to take away everything from me?
i'm tired enough...
running for the presidency for student council
knowing its impossible to get it
have to face mabel again
making me stressed and feel small
screwed life
my life is juz in a mess
koon hiang....got the chairman post in choir
can see she's stressed by mabel also
sigh
too many things that i cant remember
haven recovered...wanna give up
can feel my head going to explode...
wanna dig my heart out
it hurts....it really does
someone please kill me...
i really dunno who i am
why i'm living
what i am living for
let me leave this place
this place where i dun belong
freaking tired..
four teachers asking whats wrong with me
i have no idea either
really
thats why its so sickening
too many things....
really miserable and pathetic
unsecure
i really seem like a dead person
dots
not living...
dead!!!
muahahaha!!
everyone are liars...
break their promises
no one can be trusted
heck everything
living like a dead person
dun try being me
never try it
you'll regret
a life full of hatred and sorrows
interesting isnt it?
hahaz
whatever
gor....miss you alot
but always dunno what to talk to you
you told me to laugh at the little things we have
you told me to laugh more in the day
even if i break down after that
i tried
sometimes i did it
i really did it
and sometimes i really cant
you said it will feel tired
and thats why its so difficult
yes....i'm really tired...
but i succeeded sometimes
manages to laugh and go crazy in the day
even though deep inside i'm really tired and hurt
i did it
but right after that,
i broke down
everytime
this is my life....
can i juz end it?
can i not continue?
can i end everything?
what am i working so hard for?
i really have no idea...
tell me, what have i done to deserve all these?
am i wrong?
sinful?
tell me...
if not, juz kill me
stab me through my heart
its easier
everyone is juz so fake...
so am i
hatred...i hate everyone
but i hate myself most
disgusting freaking idiot=me
i want to lose all my memories
anywayz there aren't any nice memories for me to remember
so might as well forget everything
let me leave this world
no one will bother or notice anywayz
who is mei wah?
no one knows
hahaz its nice
i'm loving it
hohoho
for someone who dunno who she is,
what she's thinking,
what she's doing,
whats happening,
etc etc,
she might at well dun exist isnt it?
only contributing to more carbon dioxide
and excess CO2 might lead to global warming
no one tells me whats going on
not even joel want to tell me
who am i??????
tired and sick of this life
KILL ME!!!
MUAHAHAHA!!!!

It JuZ GeTs WoRse...

why does my pain juz gets worse? why do i fall even greater? why cant i even at least juz maintain?? my world's closing in. who would care? maybe gor. he's the only one. i give up councillors. i hate them. but i hate myself even more. what wrong have i done? what have i done to deserve all these? why cant i juz die off? why do everyone everything have to torture me like that? i dun belong to this freaking world. i juz dont. why does everyone start detesting me? i'm already tired enough... please. stop everything. who doesnt want to be happy? who doesnt want to be loved? i dun need to be happy. neither do i want to be loved. i juz hope no one will dislike or detest me. everything, they're getting so far. i dun understand this world. what does this world comprise of? i hope, the doctors would tell me one day that i'm going to die soon. its torturous. i dun want this life. i hate myself. who am i? i need someone to tell me. who the hell am i? my name, my looks, my everything, they're so far away. what can i do? nothing. sit back, get detested, and wait fer death. i have no other feelings except hatred, pain and hurt. whats the point of everything? someone tell me. who am i? i have nothing. i have lost everything. so my life is meaningless. i dun need anything, dun want anything. i juz hope this life ends. i juz hope when i leave , everyone will be happy and in harmony. things dun come in my way, and i have no choice. i've lost everything. one day, i'll juz lose my life. but why doesnt it get lost quickly? no one will remember me, i have nothing, so there isnt anything for me to stay in this world. i feel that, only gor will love me. and tong staying by my side. and jie. maybe, they the only ones who might understand how it hurts. but they wont understand still. my pain. they wont. but i still wanna thank them for loving me. the only ones who will not detest me maybe? a big thank you to all of you. and, i really love you all. juz that i really have no more energy left to love you all, or to do anything. but trust me, i really do love you all. the important ppl in my life. the whole of my life. gor, you once said i am still young, i have hope. but do you know that thats what i've been asking myself often? i'm still young. why do i have to face everything? why am i fated and supposed to lose everything when i'm still young? no idea. no one knows the answer. they wouldnt know. pointless and meaningless. hatred and pain. hurt and hell. very nice combination. and a very beautiful life.

WhaT The RuDDy HeLL Is LiFe aLL AbouT?

zzzz sianz.... wth life... damn life. whats the point man? its extremely meaningless. i'm tired. really tired... juz wanna close my eyes and never wake up. i dun want to face anything, or anyone. life is juz a pile of shit, a pile of dung. damn disturbing thing- life. it sucks. kill me. whats the point in everything? pointless. might as well heck care. my tiredness, my pain, my hurt... no one will see. neither will anyone care. i wanna leave this world. really. i cant stand it anymore. i'm falling. see how long can i stand? fall. soon. i'll juz stand until one day i cant stand and juz die off. doesnt make any difference to anyone anywayz. life sucks. i hate life. i hate myself. hell tired. i wanna give up. who will know how painful it is? how tired i am? how hurt i feel? or who would even bother?? no one. thats the conclusion. i had to be strong in front of everyone. had to act like i'm in a good mood everyday. had to hide all my pain. no one will know or shall know. its not easy to be me. not easy to understand. but dun ever try man. its not a toy. nothing fun to play with. suffocate me, the pain. can i juz sleep forever? i'm tired... i dun want to do anything else anymore.... my limit... my energy...all of it...are being used up already. i'm glad, at least i made it. the camp... i could stand until the camp is over... so now even if i fall dead, its alright. i wanna thank everyone for their help at the camp... but its time for me to leave, which i actually hope its soon, then my time is up. i wanna juz leave this world. this meaningless life. this life of hatred. everything hurts me. juz let me die, why torture me?? why muz everyone do this to me? no, they didnt. i have completely no idea. everything seems wrong to me. everything feels so wrong to me. wth. i'm tired....

I WaNNa EnD EveRyThinG

sec 3 life. tiring. but thats not why i'm so tired. i am always tired anywayz. no different actually. recently always stayed in school, somedays with angie in the canteen, some in the councillor room. i juz din want to go home. anywayz, does it matter? is there any diff? in school or at home, its the same. no matter where i am, its the same... i dun belong anywhere. i dun belong in this world. so does it make a difference where i am? no it doesnt. i really dunno until when can i move on until... i'm really tired. my life is meaningless. its a total failure. thats my motto. a life of hatred. a life of failure. i'm juz so tired. i want to end everything. i juz want to give up everything and leave this world. can i? i dont know. i have the rights. its my own life. yet my life belong to my mother. i really want to juz end everything. why cant anyone juz kill me? shoot me. my life. my life is painful. it hurts. everything hurts me. i'm tired. my world, is juz a piece of darkness. with no one in it. i'm alone, like i always am. no difference. i juz want to end everything now. i dun even want to know what happened to me already. whats the point? totally pointless. i want to give up councillors, give up my studies and everything, and juz leave this world. give up my life. it sucks. its painful. no one will understand and they better not... its not easy to be me. i hate everything in this world. i hate myself. i resented everything. im getting more and more tired. i will fall one day. i have no tomorrow. i dun remember the past, cant feel the present and dun see the future. i dun feel that i have a tomorrow. hows this kind of life? i know, i will leave one day. maybe, tomorrow, maybe, today. i wont know. no one knows. i'm a weakling... muahahaha. sickening life. i'm really tired. i want to stop. to end everything. including my life.

CaN FeeLinGs Be ConTroLLeD??

damn confusing... can feelings be controlled? juz came back from sec one orientation camp today... from 4 jan to 6 jan...missed 2 days of lssons... hahaz. i have no idea...about something... there's someone whom i dunno whether i like or not... bout that bulldog is not real. but this im not sure... in that bulldog's case, i was messed up by my things and wasnt calm to think it through. my feelings that time was in a mess. so i was wrong. but this... haizz.. mabel said she thinks i really like him... but i dunno. helpless. but anywayz, i cant like anyone. i dun want either. i'm one with no feelings remember? a body without a soul. and i dun want to get hurt anymore. love is like a needle. a cactus. it pricks, hurts also. and exciting. but i really dun want to get hurt anymore. i'm one with no feelings. i only will hurt ppl... i dun understand... why dun ppl cherish what they have? their most basic ability to feel love and happiness. their ability to have feelings? i have lost all my abilities. i'm juz nothing. like what gor said:
Im sick of doing everything just for the sake of spending time, just to get another day over.. I want a life too... haizz. but can we? i know its impossible for me and gor... we're in the same world. but he doesnt think i am. hahaz. told you no one knows a thing bout me. anywayz, does it matter? i have no feelings, everything's fake. i dun belong here. i wanna leave. i want to end everything. i really hope ppl can cherish. cause its not easy to be me. i'm tired. write my name in the death notebook. kill me by the god eyes, i dun mind. everydays the same. tiring. i dunno when will i fall. i have no more strengths to do anything... i wanna sleep forever. know about nothing. dun have to face anything. thats nice... i can feel nothing except hatred. this is my life. extremely meaningless. a total failure. a life of hatred. a life of failure. a simple wish yet difficult. might as well forget bout that wish. i'm juz so tired. hope everyone's well.