GiVinG uP

i really give up in you ppl
maybe its the problem with me
but i feel seriously tired
why are you ppl asking me,
wanting me to tell you guys my stuffs and problems
yet no one seem to bother after that?
i'm not hoping that you ppl can solve the problem for me
or do anything big
i juz hoped for some words of encouragement.
when i'm so tired,
you ppl are talking to me and telling me
your own stuffs and everything.
how am i supposed to react?
what the hell is wrong with everything?
since you all dont want to care,
then why bother keep asking me for it?
why make a fuss over me not saying anything?
seriously, i really dont understand
then whats the point of i saying it?
juz so you all know for no reason?
it really feels that no one understands me
even till now
though i have changed alot,
some things juz still remain
stuffs like me feeling i am alone to face everything...
thanks angie, koonhiang and karkoon
for the encouragements you gave me.
juz that, and i feel really touched.
i am still human afterall...
i will still feel tired,
lost,
upset,
weak...
dont want to return to what i am in the past.
yet the present happenings seem to be pulling me down.
they are really huge challenges and obstacles..
will i succeed in the end?

sigh...life

alright...
recently yeah,
many things happened
was seriously confused..
i know i cant forget YOU
though its VERY VERY irritating
i hate it..
but i miss the days with you
though you never cared.
cause it doesnt mean anything to you
i'm nothing to you.
i only hoped to be good frens.
is that too much to hope for?
but...
since you're happy,
i shall be contented.
may happiness follow you=)
it hurts me to think of you.
but its time for me to forget and move on.
i promised myself,
after this, i will not like anyone anymore
i dun want to.
its tiring..

told myself:
after i graduate,
i shall start anew.
fresh
a new life
without ppl i dun like
without ppl who hurts me
without many many...
wounds might heal one day,
but scars remain
and the scars might become wounds again.
i had to,
appear as if i'm alright,
even though my heart is crying
doesnt matter already...
cause i'm used to it..

these days somehow i'm glad to have o levels
to distract me from whatever that is happening/happened
no one knows and understands me
i realised that long ago
why?
i dont really know.
ppl that i treasure and love
i am nothing much to them
are humans that strange?
we search for things that are so far away
but we juz cant see those that are right in front of us
the scars have been left behind
something i cant forget
and i'm not sure if i can get over it
scared....
i'm really scared..
helpless cause there's nothing i can do

can there not be life?
can i juz dont face anyone?
i want peace.
i dont want to bother much
i'm tired....
exhausted...
worn out...
no one to save me...as usual
i'm reaching out into thin air
or vacuum?
i dont seem to understand anymore.
yeah..this world.
too freaky
too scary
too tiring to try and comprehend

Gor, i've never forgotten you
cause you're important to me too.
guess you never realised or known that.
huiying jie...you too
karkoon, knowing you is something very amazing
we wouldnt have known each other at all
yet we met.
became good frens
but we're rather different in characters
and maybe i'm wrong but i've always felt that
you treat me differently from others.
i dont know why.
anywayz, thanks for all the encouragement
and being with me all these while.

love and hatred are separated by a slight margin
be careful not to step into the wrong one
i have stepped into it
life full of hatred.
full of unhappiness
i lost myself.
and now its so difficult to find back
juz plainly living each day off anyhow
thats not what i want it to be
but somehow,
thats the only thing i can do

its already a good achievement
for me to hide my unhappiness
and appear to be happy
really...it really isnt easy..

i stopped trusting
stopped relying on anyone
cause i didnt want to
and couldnt
things that have happened.
i dont want it to repeat.
i dont want to think about it
thats the only way to escape..
forgive me...
i'm sorry..
gomenasai...

I'M SO TIRED

sometimes i really wonder
why is it that everyone's life seem so fine?
i know, they have faced problems as well
but why do my world and life look especially dark?
i asked heaven:
is this a test to make me stronger?
i dont know what life comprise of
i only know what kind of life i want to create
but no
it isnt that simple
i cant do it
i need rest
i need a break
i need to recover
no one needs me
i'm a forgotten person
a neglected person
juz like an unwanted piece of paper
abandoned into this world of nothing.
i want to leave
please...
no matter how much i look optimistic
no matter how much i laugh and smile
i cannot get out of this darkness
i'm starting to think:
this isnt part of growing up
its something that i myself is facing
i'm not needed anywhere.
i feel no importance
but i promise,
i will smile when i leave...

LeaVe Me

right, so you are the same as the others
leave
and disappear from my life
this is what everyone like to do isnt it?
if so, why bothering abt me?
who will know, how much it hurts
when i have to face it everytime
i have to force myself to forget all the pain
so that i can move on
forced myself too much,
until now what i have become of
who suffers?
me myself
no one else will
dun bother abt me
my tears will juz flow like no one's business
it juz hurts so much
now another one
i juz want to rest
i juz want someone there for me
someone who will never leave me
but why....
everytime i cry,
it juz hurts more
its like a knife stabbing my wound
my heart is really bleeding profusely
i'm seriously tired
how hard i have tried to forget all these
so that i can force myself to move on
and fake a smile or laughter
until now,
my mind is so screwed
that i dun understand
that i dunno what am i thinking
that i dunno what is happening anymore
i dun want to face anyone
i juz want to leave
it is the only solution to all my pain
because i'm hopeless
i cant walk out of all these anymore
i dun want to face it either
it juz hurts.

aLoNe

yeah~
i'm here again.
i'm strange,
i can cry and cry,
and after wiping my tears,
i'm going around imagining again
yeah, thats what happened these days
why?
because i'm not me
who's me?
no idea.
haha
as usual i guess
this time,
i want to be like before
to block off all my emotions
in front of others
it hurts, and its really tough
i know
i really want to rely on someone
yet i refused to
i'm scared
afraid
and no one will understand
yeah, thats it
same old stuffs?
whatever
i dun really remember anywayz
i only know,
there will always only be myself
no one will be there for me
i know it
and i shall believe that
i'm tired.
i'm going to break down
but i have to continue
i have to act like i'm so happy
i muz act strong
like before
sometimes i rather not be here
i dun want to face anyone
cause its really tiring
the only way to allow myself to act happy
is to escape from all the pain
and sorrows
kinda pathetic
everytime i cry,
i have to tell myself that its because i'm tired
i'll be alright after resting
resting,
do i have the chance to?
no, i dont
truthfully, i'm really very scared
and tired
who can save me
no one can
really....

i need an answer

i really dont know how to be happy
who doesnt want to be happy?
who doesnt want to be healthy and cheerful?
i was once such a healthy and cheerful person
what am i now?
who am i?
i really need an answer...
because i seriously dont know how to continue on
how to walk on
crying has become a large part of my life
crying everyday...
i'm tired...
i juz want to leave..
i dun even want to walk finish this part
i have only myself, till now..
only myself to tell me to jia you
only myself to tell myself that everything will be alright
telling myself i will understand one day
telling myself everything will be over
telling myself i will get better one day
how many years have passed,
doing all these?
tears made my eyes weary
i smile while i sob inside
i laugh while cry inside
i go crazy when i'm actually super tired.
nobody knows, i've never felt happy before
not even a single moment
and maybe, i will never feel happy
it is a world no one can see
a place no one can get into
a feeling no one can understand
and juz blame it on me
but let me leave....

RIP

hey man!
long time never update this blog.
doesnt matter..no one reads anywayz.
hahaz.
maybe i should say, updating in this blog isnt a good thing?
but not entirely though.
sigh
anywayz, it've been months since i last blogged here
reason? too busy
i kinda forgot that i have this blog..
some things do change.
in fact, many things change
but there are things that dont change
which is my unhappiness
yes, this is it
why? i have no idea
each step, each minute that passed
i'm juz so tired.
even now
looking back, i juz realised how much i have been through
alone
no matter how much i feel like relying on someone,
i would choose not to
i dun want to experience disappointment anymore
i dun want to lose ppl i treasure anymore
i rather choose not to believe.
honto gomenasai..
i've always been rather emo,
until no one sees it as something important already
they think that it's ok
i'll get better
so no one bothers already
good thing also...
like that no one will know that i'm still in pain.
i'm still sad
i still despair.
i'm still crying somewhere, alone.
but i'm really tired.
tired of trying so hard.
tired of faking smiles
tired of trying hard not to cry...
there will never be someone there for me
they juz leave one day
they juz disappear
i really want to leave...
i want to rest in peace.
who will understand,
someone who doesnt remember her past,
someone who cant feel the present
and someone who dun see any future
my life? every second is a waste of time
i seriously dunno how long i can stand
how much more i can walk on
no one wants to help me
they simply stretch out their hands,
and withdrew them even before i tried to reach for it
nth is important anymore
i'm juz living off my life with nothing
its empty
dun have to pity me.
cause even i myself dun pity myself
it doesnt matter...
i have only myself anywayz
the tears that i've shed.
and it will continue to drop.
until one day when the water runs out,
i'll die of dehydration.
and let me rest in peace...
this is something i will never be able to get over
it is destined to follow me.
i juz have to accept it isnt it?
i'm tired...
i thank those who tried to stretch out their hands
arigato gozaimasu!
juz one sentence to myself: i can do it
yeah, thats it..
wish me all the best...

A Sad World.

this blog is like, my unhappy world?
then what about the other blog?
happy world?
which is the real me, sometimes i really wonder
i have many sides
happy, unhappy, optimistic, pessimistic
laughable, crying, jokey, attitude
smiling, dao.....so on and so forth~~
now i suddenly think,
blogs are meant to make the distance be shorter isnt it?
why do i feel that it only makes ppl further?
or is it only my thinking?
maybe, i over estimated myself
maybe, i believed in you too much
maybe, i am wrong always...
but i'm tired
so i want to let go
maybe, we shouldnt have known each other
i feel so deadly tired
hatred...it once filled my heart
until one day, i realise i'm stupid
not worth hating others
not worth minding so much
cause they dun give a damn at all
why?
no idea
i hate it...
truthfully, i'm really glad to see ppl being happy
they understand some things, they are contented
they dun despair
but i dun deny, i feel sad
sad that others are moving on
leaving me alone again
cause i juz cant move on
stuck?
its so saddening...
sigh
what to do?
the tears i've shed
the pain i suffered
can they get drowned by sorrows?
the bad memories that stay within my heart
the good and happy memories that is haunting me now
it hurts, to have to accept the fact that i'm crying ALONE
all these years...
i dun want to say sorry anymore
i dun want to bother anymore
i dun want to care anymore
i dun want to see you anymore
i dun want to believe anymore
can i?
please? i beg you...
i want to be free...really
i want to leave...let me go..
my world..feels like walking into a haunted house
haunted by memories
haunted by tears
haunted by the pain i suffered
i dun want to know anymore
i juz want to rest...
to forget everything...
to erase my memories...
and say goodbye to all..

I ThoughT..

i thought i knew
i thought i could do it
i thought i can overcome it
i thought i could forget
i thought i can make myself feel better
i thought i could stop crying
i thought....
in the end?
no
i cant...
its still the same
whats more,
i've always been alone
i'm so tired
who can save me?
whats the point?
this life is too unbearable
no matter what dreams i have,
no matter what thoughts i have
for the future,
they wont work
cause i cant continue anymore..
i'm so tired....
why force me to feel better?
you all dont know,
i really cant do it
i tried so hard
in the end i lost myself
who understands?
no one...
i'm alone
i have no one
i asked heaven: who am i?
no one answers
leaving me behind to cry
cry my heart out and no one knows..

WhaT Am I SuPPoSeD To Do??

someone tell me...
what am i supposed to do?
maybe i shouldnt have read the previous posts
of this blog
i never realised,
or should i say i forgot
how much i hated her
because i chose to let go at the time
i even forgot
actually all these years,
i really have only myself
no one else
i went through everything myself
all the pain, all the hatred, all the changes
so now, i do not need you either
it doesnt make a difference
rely on myself is enough
its tough...
tough until i really feel like killing myself
crying everyday, until i'm so tired
then fall asleep
my life is like that
then i forget everything for the time being
though my dreams are as disturbed
i dont know...
not a second i can rest
this is really hell
where i belong to...
who am i ?.....

GiVe Me A BreaK

life..
happenings..
hatred..
love..
pain..
happiness..
people..
etc etc..
funny, do you think i know what is going on?
no i dont
too bad for me isnt it?
dun have to pity me, cause i'm an idiot also
my home: hell
i juz feel so out of everything
like i'm not in this world
sometimes i really feel like asking someone:
am i dead or alive?
why do i feel so dead?
feel like asking someone to kill me
finish me off
why....
things going around in my head
mind too screwed
feel like clearing everything
zzz
i really hate everything..
so tired..
maybe i'll juz disappear like that someday?
you wont blame me right?
i've really tried my best alr...
my apologies..
maybe that time, i really should have consulted the psychologist
ask him or her whats wrong with me
please...someone take me away..
why is it that i cant even rest well?
in my dreams..they are so disturbed
crying...
can i be alone?
can i sleep forever?
how to continue with my life?...
i really have no idea..
i don't know how..
so juz take me away
anyway i have long accepted the fact that i will never recover
i want to leave
thats my decision

Its juz so painful

everything is juz so unbearable
how long can i last?
i juz have to continue isnt it?
even if everything is worse than hell to me
it hurts..
really hurts so much
i shall continue to hurt myself
until one day when i really recover from the wound in my heart
but that isnt possible anywayz
so what if it will leave scars?
no one knows, how hard it is for me to continue
i have to laugh
i have to smile
i have no choice...
my mind is so screwed
cant remember anything
i dun even know what is happening..
crying everyday...i'm so tired
even in my dream, i cried
why?
why is it so painful?
i really forgot how it feels to laugh heartily
begging, screaming in my dreams
for someone to take me away
no one heard me
i juz have to walk on..
until one day when i can no longer hold on
now i need energy, strength to believe
that one day i can break free
why...
why is it that we can never recover?
over years of torture
it hurts so much...
好痛....

Is This Really Part Of Growing UP?

tell me, what should i do?
is this really part of growing up?
i really dunno how to continue
i'm sorry...
crying is addictive
you never taught me how..
before you left..
why?..
should i look for you?
what i want is really simple too..
i give up..
i'm really sorry..
thanks for everything

Life Seriously Sux

i really dunno how to continue anymore
what to do?
depend or not depend
go on or stop
give up or continue
i totally have no idea anymore
whats happening?
i really dunno
it sux
i hate myself
why am i in this world?
i have dreams, like everyone of you
but i have no choice at all
why?
why do ppl waste away their ability to by happy?
why cant they make full use of it?
dun they understand?
how it feels to be me
how it feels to lose that ability
they dont know
they dont understand...
how to continue?
what am i?
who am i?
i dun belong here at all....
please, stop everything..
why muz everyone leave me?
why muz they lie to me?
i hate it...
why do you see things faster than me?
how did you know i will become like that?
why do you understand me more than myself?
i cant take it anymore...
i'm really tired..
let me go
take me away please...
i will be most grateful...

I WanT To DiE....

sometimes, my wish is to die
no choice le...
i'm not like others.
no matter what i do,
i juz cant feel happy
i've long lost the ability.
who cares?
nobody does.
not even myself.
i dun even know what the hell am i thinking alr.
everything is juz so wrong.
am i living or dead?
i don't know.
i juz want to die..
i seem to be in this world
but yet i feel like i'm in a faraway land
nobody knows me
neither do i know anyone
i've really landed up in the wrong place
i dun belong here.
it hurts too much
i'm a nobody
i dunno who i am
i juz want to leave this place...
someone please take me away..
why do i feel like everyone is leaving me
all the better..
leave me..

Really- No One Understands

you really think i am that happy?
out of all my frens,
you knew most of my things
yet it seemed like you dun understand
of course,
cause you know only a little too
really, no one understands
a life full of only sadness
pathetic
hatred
i really hate everything in this world
i hate myself even more
what life is that?
i dun want to continue my life at all
i dun want it to continue
i want to end everything
i cant stand it anymore
i cant bear with it anymore
i'm falling
i cant smile or laugh much anymore
though all are fakes
now i cant even fake them
crying everyday
no one will understand
sad life

Why? How long can i stand?

sometimes i really wonder
why am i doing so much
for those who dun bother
why am i making myself so tired
for they dun even care
my world is closing in
enough
i will suffocate...
why torture me?
i have no frens
they are not my frens
no one is
for i have only myself
to cry alone everyday
facing pain and upsetness every second
of my life
i've long forgotten what happiness is
forgive me, i' really sorry
but i really need a break
a break from anything
let me go....
how many tears i've shed
how tired i feel
with no one who bothers
walking alone in darkness
i understand, what Naruto and Gaara feels
the thing that differs them from others
the loneliness
the pain
the hatred
i really hate this whole world now
but the person i hate most is the one typing away now
the one who created this diary
i want everyone to be happy
to help me by being happy
to feel happiness,
something that i cant even hope to feel
why nt treasure?
why nt love everything you have?
instead of grumbling away
how long can i stand?
how much more can i move?
nth matters to me now
whatever...
tears of loneliness
tears of upset
tears of unhappiness
tears that i shed,
even it tastes wierd
whats my purpose of living?
no idea
juz
A Life Of Hatred
hatred left...

FreaKinG WorLD

what a life
full of crap
how many sides in the world do i have in me?
wth, damn rubbish
i'm juz so confused...
i see it...why i get confused over reality and dreams and imaginations
juz because the freaking me juz cant get my feelings right
realities seem so fake to me,
whereas dreams and imaginations seemed more real than realities
i always had to take time juz to figure out whats happening
who the tell i am
and whatever whatever
why want my life to go on like that?
living like a dead person?
why is it so hard?
juz to feel things?
i've been trying hard to get back all my feelings
they're lost
i am lost
lost in nowhere
haha
funny....
tired of working hard for nothing
tired of deceiving myself that everything will be fine
tired of deceiving myself that i can overcome everything
all are crap
really, they are
might as well stop
its easier isnt it?
no one will understand, nor even bother
i'm a no one
whee~

What Is Life About? What Is Love....?

asking questions and trying to find out again
what is life about and what is love?
its easy to say,
put everything down and let go
but how many really can do it?
i actually did it.
yes, i did it
but the hurt remains
full of pain and troubles
ppl ask me,
what am i fretting over?
what am i feeling sad for?
my answer: dun ask me, cause i really dunno myself
i didnt lie, i really dunno
funny right?
is it supposed to be like that?
after so many things, troubles, everything
hurt and pain remains
sorrow remains
loneliness remains
but what exactly happened?
i cant remember a thing
seriously...i cant remember
not even who i am
what is the purpose of me being here
heaven made me come into this world for a reason
i always believed that everyone come into this world
for a reason
different reasons for different people
whats mine?
saded
screwed life is mine?
yes, i'm fated to become like that
and thats it
i've no idea
living for nothing
meaningless
i worked so hard
in everything
ccls, choir etc etc
for what reason?
yes, maybe cause i liked it
but the main reason
is juz to show myself i can make a difference somewhere
but you know?
the results dun show so
i'm of no difference
i know, being needed is a form of happiness also
yes, thats what i'm trying to gain
when ppl need me, i will at least feel a bit of staying
in this world
though in my heart, i'm still lonely
i seem to gain a bit of energy to move on
when i'm needed
but no more....i'm not
maybe all these while,
i was juz deceiving myself
i'm unreasonable and a strange peep
i dun hope that ppl will understand me
yet i blame them for not understanding me
i didnt let them know any of my things
how i feel and etc
yet i expect them to understand
what the hell am i thinking?
no idea
funny
laugh~laugh~laugh~
love being engrossed in stories
and drama series
i mean ou xiang ju...
i do not believe in love
love only exists in drama series and novels
feel like staying forever in my world
block everything else out
leave this world
the world that i dun belong to
i'm tired
i know that,
happiness are always around us
maybe a twist of thinking and everything changes greatly
ppl are blinded by what they are affected that they forgot
forgot what is happening
they start to neglect the beautiful things around them
but if they were to let themselves out,
and see how beautiful things are,
they will achieve great happiness
simple happiness
it wont be called happiness if it isnt simple anywayz
interesting isnt it?
life?
yes, its interesting
yet so complicated
i hope all my close ppl will find their life interesting
but not complicated
dun end up like me
dying off yet no one knows
rather pathetic
who to trust?
who can be trusted?
teachers?
nah
humans cant be trusted
none of them
thats why
i'm left alone
pretty right?
yeah
love....it seem to be not something we can control
HAHA
i really dun want to continue anywayz
dunno what i am doing
who i am
what i am supposed to do
haha
nice life~
with only myself left,
i live the "BEST LIFE"
who envies me?
haha
dun...cause you can see the inverted commas
choir...dun feel like working hard anymore
no point
worked so hard for 2 and a half years
yet as lousy as ever
give up
once my effort was left with pathetic 5%
haha
really no point
everything is so far away from me
really far...

SicKeNinG LiFe...

what a real sickening life is?
who wanna know?
dun try, cause you'll get freaked out
my life=sickening life
facing so many things
without anyone understanding
no one helping
no one listening to me
no one having the slightest patience
no one to trust
isnt that nice?
life juz gets worse and worse for me
uncertainity
facing so many things
mabel still makes my life miserable as usual
i'm already left with nothing...
why does she still want to take away everything from me?
i'm tired enough...
running for the presidency for student council
knowing its impossible to get it
have to face mabel again
making me stressed and feel small
screwed life
my life is juz in a mess
koon hiang....got the chairman post in choir
can see she's stressed by mabel also
sigh
too many things that i cant remember
haven recovered...wanna give up
can feel my head going to explode...
wanna dig my heart out
it hurts....it really does
someone please kill me...
i really dunno who i am
why i'm living
what i am living for
let me leave this place
this place where i dun belong
freaking tired..
four teachers asking whats wrong with me
i have no idea either
really
thats why its so sickening
too many things....
really miserable and pathetic
unsecure
i really seem like a dead person
dots
not living...
dead!!!
muahahaha!!
everyone are liars...
break their promises
no one can be trusted
heck everything
living like a dead person
dun try being me
never try it
you'll regret
a life full of hatred and sorrows
interesting isnt it?
hahaz
whatever
gor....miss you alot
but always dunno what to talk to you
you told me to laugh at the little things we have
you told me to laugh more in the day
even if i break down after that
i tried
sometimes i did it
i really did it
and sometimes i really cant
you said it will feel tired
and thats why its so difficult
yes....i'm really tired...
but i succeeded sometimes
manages to laugh and go crazy in the day
even though deep inside i'm really tired and hurt
i did it
but right after that,
i broke down
everytime
this is my life....
can i juz end it?
can i not continue?
can i end everything?
what am i working so hard for?
i really have no idea...
tell me, what have i done to deserve all these?
am i wrong?
sinful?
tell me...
if not, juz kill me
stab me through my heart
its easier
everyone is juz so fake...
so am i
hatred...i hate everyone
but i hate myself most
disgusting freaking idiot=me
i want to lose all my memories
anywayz there aren't any nice memories for me to remember
so might as well forget everything
let me leave this world
no one will bother or notice anywayz
who is mei wah?
no one knows
hahaz its nice
i'm loving it
hohoho
for someone who dunno who she is,
what she's thinking,
what she's doing,
whats happening,
etc etc,
she might at well dun exist isnt it?
only contributing to more carbon dioxide
and excess CO2 might lead to global warming
no one tells me whats going on
not even joel want to tell me
who am i??????
tired and sick of this life
KILL ME!!!
MUAHAHAHA!!!!