WhaT Is The MeaNinG oF EveRyThinG???

haizz. well, long time never write le... this blog only got a few posts hahaz. dun have the time, or the mood? to write... hahaz.this world...is damn freaky...many kinds of peeps out there... impossible to know everyone of them...they might not be who they seem to be also anywayz... people come and go... and people change as time goes by... change too quickly...makes people unable to believe, to even know what to do... impossible to understand... this world is turning more and more scary... but what can i do? nothing, practically nothing... piece of shit...no one saves me. no one is there fer me. no one helps me. no one teaches me. no one tells me what to do. no one listens to me. no one understands... so why bother? its not that i really dun want to rely... i tried searching fer someone whom i can rely and tell my things to. but to no avail. no one. searched frantically. wanted someone to rely on badly. but there was no one. gave up. completely no one. haizz... din want to rely then.. maybe even if there was someone, i wouldnt do it either. i might not have the courage. too coward to do anything... like an idiot. hahaz. life is full of miseries... hell. hatred. bloody.darkness. whee~ see my frens depressed. wanted badly to help them. really i do. and i tried all means. be there fer them. hoped i can at least do something fer them. my only wish is that everyone would be happy. smiling everyday. doesnt matter i cry or what. as long as they smile... i only know what is smile on others. but i myself have not the slightest idea what is smile or laugh. whats that? hahaz. cool. i didnt know. i dunno. confused. i want people to rely on me, then when they got back to their feet, they leave me. maybe i'm too useless that anyone would even rely on me? im useless. idiot. stupid. hell. dreams....gave up long ago? no one will understand. hell is near. or am i in it? doubt so. whats life all about? selfishness.betray.nicest word:hell. no one will know how much i hated this world.... hurt? whee~ no idea why i was in this world. why did my mother give birth to me? whats the point? why do people have to grow up? face more things. cry.scream. thats what i wanted to do. but realised i cant even do all those... dun even have the chance to let everything out. cant scream. cant cry. how pain? too tired. too tired to even scream or cry... gave up everything... didnt want to put hopes in anything anymore. wishes, hopes, dreams. all vanished. whats left is hatred, pain, hurt, giving up and blood. i dun understand anything anym0re. hell. piece of shit. let me carry all the burdens. give me all the pain everyone. its nice. i dun need anyone to understand. this world is full of unfairness and selfishness. no idea what to do le. no one can tell me. cause they din even know. hahaz. no one shall know. who am i? can anyone tell me? hahaz. whee~ hell

HaIzz PeoPLe CoMe AnD Go....

haizz people come and go in our lives...sometime they go so quickly that it seems like they have never entered our lives before. but life still continues... wont that be too tiring? or should i say it IS very tiring. facing all these crap and having still to continue. hell. i know myself that i have changed. from an innocent little girl who doesnt say any bad words to one who has a great bad temper who feels irritated by the slightest thing. because i hate? because there is hatred in me? my heart? because i was influenced by that mabel? or what? i have completely no idea. i am selfish. i am a darn idiot who doesnt spare a thought for anyone. i hate life. mr glenn left school. no fun anymore. i dun hate studying but i hate that school. no idea why. there seems to have no place for me. everywhere is the same... everything is the same. who will pity me? who will see me? im juz a transparent person. ppl forgets me. and i dun give a damn anymore. whats the point? they still leave anyway. im juz like a stone. sitting there all day pass time there. cars pass by me. no one will notice. hell. i hate everything. but the thing i hate most is myself! how to torture myself? get sick. man i love it. being sick~~ it feels juz so great. i am not like gor. i dun hurt myself by cutting myself or biting the tongue? i juz get sick. try the best i can to get sick. its nice~ whatever. really tired le. by all the things. who would like to be like me? facing all these? everyone, all of them, to me are a burden. no idea why. but thinking of anyone juz makes me sian. life is like that. sian. boring. hell. a transparent person will forever be a transparent person. so why bother trying hard to add in colours to make be opaque so that ppl can see me? i give up le. really. really very tired. i have no strength to continue. gor became weak. all my frens dun seem to be my frens. all the same. i always have myself only. i dun reply on anyone. i hate. whats the point??? no one will understand. no one will care. no one will even know me. so lets juz continue this kind of stupid life. tears... haha. when i feel like crying, i have to force my tears back in cause i dun even have to chance, the right to drop a tear. but when i have the chance to cry at home, no tear can be forced out. have always been like that so no use saying le. haizz. no chance to stop to rest. so juz continue. faking a smile everyday. haha. fun~ mabel says these days she facing depression.haha. i didnt know someone facing depression can say that she herself is facing depression.haha.whatever~ doesnt concern me. i am really trying hard. to control my temper against everyone. but there is too much hatred. too much for me to control. i treid hard really. its real tiring to hate. haizz. i wanna let go. i really want to rest. can i? no i cant. it continues... its unfair. but... what can i do lehx? juz continue being like that. facing all these crap. torturing myself by being sick. geez now i am sick already anywayz. nice~ haizz try bahx. try to let me carry all other ppl de burden... take away all their miseries. help them. my only dream. doesnt matter whether they see me or not le. doesnt matter. haizz. no idea le. i dun even know who i am now. my name sounds like a stranger to me. like i have never heard before. haizz. whatever~~

I Beg For Heaven To Stop It....

please stop it......i really have no more strength to continue anymore..... I give up.... i cant remember the past and memories, i cant feel the present, i cant see the future..... why? why everytime i lie on my bed, before i sleep, i always hope that the nest morning when i wake up, when i open my eyes, i will at least feel abit better.... at least see some hope.... but why? why am i feeling worse as days and nights go by??? i really dunno when i will collapse...when i have no more strength to continue.....im really vert tired..... i dun want to face anything now...... no hope..... no future....how meaningful life is like that..... i always wanted to walk forward, to walk by the path, but i have no strength to continue anymore.... hurt, scars, whatever..... doesnt matter to me anymore.....

I ReaLLy DuNNo MySeLf AnyMoRe~

haizz dunno lerhx....i dunno who am i lerhx lahx....frustrate but cant show...sad but got to hide... have to fake a smile everyday... no one knows and no one will understand so why bother telling or explaining to them? sian diao... Everyone thinks mabel is holy good... a very gentle, cute, loveable girl.... I PUKE! juz the sight of her makes my want to puke more ever her act cute voice.... really acbc... I hate her and that will be a fact forver! Once i thought she is weak and she is the fren i want to protect but now.....she is a bitch who acts in front of everybody and uses her acting to let everyone like her.... i realised and i regretted giving her so much attention.... I hate her to the core and this will never change! she will lose everything and im waiting to see her fall! She will have her retribution! She made me lose everything, made me so miserable and pathetic..... she will get it one day... I hate this world! The most i hate is myself!! Gor, you wll never know..... You will be pleased to know that i now have my own thinkings, but you will also be worried cause you wouldnt know me.... sorry... i cant go by my promise to you... I have to break it regardless i promised you 2 times... I havent have any contact with you or a long time and i might only want to speak to you at the end of the year of maybe a few more months later... sorry... maybe by that time, you have long forgotten me... But i believe you wouldnt since i can feel that you really care for me.... Maybe you are the only one who really cared for me, who really loved me... I thank you.... Thanks and sorry... Gor i love you too!

HaIzz FaLLInG SooN LeRhx...

haizz two times liaoz! two times i typed so much in the end POOP! last time is cannot load properly then no mood to type again... Now is computer crash! Dammit! Life is so beautiful full of hatred! haizz everyone thinks that i should not have so much troubles and hatred since im so young.... But is this so??? i dun think so.... Gor thinks i am dan chun and i hated people saying that..... But now i realised how wonderful it is to be dan chun.... At least you would be happy and not think so much.... How nice it is.... Ting why wont you ever get what we trying to tell you? why you juz HAVE TO make us worry for you and you give us that kind of attitude? You are really spoilt and HOPELESS..... After so many things, you can still patch up with him...... man i really dunno what you are thinking....... how can you.....??? It hurts me not only that you have been so stupid to patch up with him, and also that you didnt even bother to tell me anything.... But... Who am i to you that you have to tell me anywayz? haizz.... I am turing to someone i dun even know... Who exactly am i? Even Mei Wah these two words seem to decent to me now..... My temper, attitude and everything.... THEY ARE NOT MINE!!! what happened to me? I really dunno anymore.... Maybe one day i might go crazy...... I love homework, i love to be busy.... So i wont think bout anything..... I hate everyone.... I hate this whole world! But the most i hate is myself! Im a complete idiot! When i need someone to be there, no one is..... I shouldn blame anyone.... IS me who made myself become like that....... OR? that bitch? She is a bitch and slut no wrong.... She made me become like that.... And now that my visions are all fake and have no feelings for anything. She made me hate everything! She is the culprit of my sickness! She will get her retribution one day...... She will lose everything one day like she made me lose mine! I have no more strength to do anything.... No more strength to face her and i hate seeing her face! Think she so pretty oh my! PUKE~~ Disgusting wonder why brandon likes her.... Muz be even blind than me...... He will realise her true colours one day and regret his decision! She doesnt deserve all what she got now..... juz the sight of her makes me wanna vomit moreever her actions..... I am now not me....DO NOT BLAME ME!

aRe aLL DesTiNaTeD?

Same... All the days are the same for me... No differnce, all so dull and boring... Life is all the same... Meaningless... Lame.... Why would i end up with such lousy PSLE grades and go into this idiotic school and meet idiotic people? Why would i meet Mabel this bitch and can tolerate her until this day? Why? Why are there so many whys and questions in this world? WHY??? I have no feelings for anything now... My visions are so fake that it is faker than in dreams... Will anyone understand??? No... No one will... They wouldnt even care... I really dunno how long i can stand... Maybe one day i will juz fall and collapsed on the ground... I really have no more strength to continue... I too have dreams which i wish it will come true one day... But its too far... I really want to cry... But it never succeeds.... I really have no more strength.... I'm feeling real weak to even fake a smile... Life is so meaningless that nothing can make me really smile from the bottom of my heart.... Nothing.... Long time didnt contact with gor le dunno how is he doing... Should be the same bahx him? Playing his games hoping that he can forget everything, killing time.... Like that everyday...... Haizz...... Results for this mid year are not bad..... I am contented already...... Juz hate this damned stupid life..... haizz... Sick of it....

ALL aRe FaKe

Love is fake. There is no real love in this world. All the sweet talkings and everything are all fake. They are juz to decieve us and make us love them them. And when they leaves us, they will have all kinds of excuses.... Blaming us and saying they are not in the wrong. They juz stopped loving us so they abandon us. Whats so great about love? Dun get deceived. I will never believe in love again. All fakes. These days something wrong with me... I am always tired and sleepy when i slept so much and i cant focus on anything... I cant remember anything i memorised for tests and exams and i cant seem to think... Haizz... Why does Lao Tian Ye give me so many tests... I haven passed that and another one comes out. I cant stand it... I really cant stand it le... No one is and will be there for me... I know that and i have to face everything myself... I can feel nothing now... So it wouldnt hurt much but i rather i have feelings... I want to feel the things around me... But i cant now... I want to be hurt... There is no way for me... I have been running away from things.... I have always been.... I thought i am facing them... I taught people to face realitys but i myself dun... In the end i am so hurt... Shang hen lei lei... Haizz... Why is it so difficult to live in this world? Why is this world so confusing? I myself want love too... But i hate it too... I want others to believe but i dun.... Believing is a kind of blessing too... But i dun... I dun beleive in anyone, anything, especially love... I have only hate now... Hatred...

LoVe Is BlinD...

People say that love is blind... But does anyone really know what is love? When they think that it is love, it might only be an admiration for a short period... Maybe there are no real love in this world... I am starting to more and more not believe in love... I dun trust anyone now... And there is really something wrong with me... my attitute is starting to be bad... I dun want it but cant control it... Is it selfish? Yes i am selfish... But not only they feel terrible... I feel worse than them... The kind of feeling... Its so hard to describe... I want to be like before... At least having a life... Now i feel so dead that nothing seems to be of any concern to me.... I dun seem to be awake nor do i have any feelings now... I dunno what happened and what to do... haizz... There is no one to help me anymore... I cant love others like that... I cant care for others like that... Cause i cant save myself, how am i going to save others? Hoping others understand when i dun say it out.. How smart of me... I need to say myself but how? I really feel very bad now... Feel like crying but cant cry out... haizz... I really hope i cant escape and hide... But there is no way to do so... I have to face it, solve it... When i dun even have the strength to think bout it anymore... what can i do? i really dunno myself now... i wanna go read the horoscope book but i dun want to live my life by the book... And i'm afraid that Mabel will start believing and living by the book again... haizz....why is life so complicated and difficult? Mabel says my attitute is really very bad and i know that... Before she told me i already knew that earlier on... But i dunno what happened... Haizz... I believe the reason is not because i broke up with rudolf... Cause right after that i am still fine... WHAT HAPPENED TO ME??!!?!? Fed up... I know that love is unable to cure me so what can cure me? Mabel doesnt understand so she think that love can cure me... She dunno how i feel... She dunno much of my changes and things... She is not sure of my things... haizz... I'm so confused and tired...

ScaRed...

I dunno why but i feel scared... I know that deep inside my heart i longed and wanted someone there for me to rely on. But now that even Fever has slowly left me, and doesnt understand, there isnt anyone for me to rely on... I need help and i admit it... But what can i do? Life still continues...I thought it wont be difficult to stand back up but only now that i realised it wasnt easy... Its tiring... I have been selfish these few days... And this led to many quarrels between i and mabel... The problem lies with me... Im too useless to cope... I feel like crying but whenever i feel like it, i dun have the chance to cry... Whenever i can cry, i dun feel like crying... I have to carry on... Hide all my fears and unhappiness everything in my heart... My heart is closed again... This time even a formidable person wont be able to open it easily... I really hoped someone will be able to understand... Rudolf... I cant forget you... But what can i do? What will happen if i leave one day? No one will save me... Save me from all these things... Haizz

ConFuSeD By eVeRyThInG...

Haizz so confused by everything in my life... Those important to me, Mabel, Fever and my family, Rudolf... Friends, family and love... Now i'm having problems with friends most... Which is Mabel... She have turned into someone i cant and unable to understand... She looks into darkness when she can actually see beautiful colours... Why cant she juz spare a thought for others? She cant understand the feelings of those who care for her, like me.... But everything, the problem lies with me... Cause i have fallen... My fall caused Mabel to fall even greater... I have to stand up quick to help her... I dunno how long i can withstand the pressure but i still have to hold on... I have no other choice... Mabel is very weak and falls easily... I am very tired... But still have to hold on... My family.... I got to be responsible for their meals, make sure my sister and brother eats... I'm getting further and further away from Fever... We have our own lives anywayz... He is unable to understand some things and i am unable to understand him at all... However i dunno why regardless how many times he made me disappointed in him, I still put hopes on him. He doesnt know either... I have to face, face everything myself... I am getting really tired... I dun want to care much bout love... Cause i have already lost all my trust in that... I have not forgotten Rudolf... So i am unable to like either Derek or Haris... I dun want to deceive myself... I always force myself to do things... I am really tired and afraid... Hoping that someone will be there for me always but i know there will never be... Fever made and caused me to rely on him and walked out of my life slowly... So i only have myself... Make decisions myself... Music is my only motivation. I have no more strength to move on... How long can i stand before i fall again? I have no where and no chance to even cry.... I'm really confused... Haizz... Love 5566 forever! DeRrIcK muz buck up and have the best album!

I HaVe LoSt FaIth In LoVe...

Is there any love is this world? I dun believe there is anymore... I really dunno myself and i hate myself for that. I have seen myself too good. I have always thought that i knew myself. But i was wrong... I dunno myself... I thought i haven accepted Fever as my brother but deep down in my heart, i have already accepted him... Juz that i didnt know he is in my list of important people to me. The list of people whom i care for. I have always wanted to find him, call him whenever i feel down or troubled, hoping he could help me or console me. There are always many things i want to tell him, but whenever i face him, i wont be able to say it out. Strange isnt it? I cant say what i want to say... Is that me? Maybe i'm that kind who only says it in my heart... That day when i cried very hard, i have once again locked myself up as there was no one there for me. This school holidays, when i started to know Fever, was juz a dream... School has reopened, and its time for me to wake up and get things back to normal. I love gor, and i know he cares for me... I really do... But i always understand it only after everything is over... These days i seem to be treating him very badly... I know it. But i juz didnt know why i did that. I know in my heart he cares for me... Maybe i'm too selfish. Too selfish to think for him. Too selfish to know at that moment that he is feeling very bad when i treat him like that. I understand now... And i'm really sorry. He trusts me and believes me. But i seem to have lost faith in him. There are four people who i really care for now... Rudolf, Mabel, Gor and maybe Derek... Derek is only a maybe cause i dunno him yet... Maybe the Derek should be changed into DeRrIcK and 5566? There is a fear in me.. Or should i say many fears in me which i will only discover them as days goes by? I'm very scared and helpless now... I hoped someone would be there for me but at the same time i didnt want anyone to be there for me... I dun want to rely on others... So that i wont fall if that person leaves me one day... Gor can you understand? I cant afford to be weak anymore... I dun want to step into relationships or love at least for now... I dun believe in these for now and i dunno how long would i take to start believing again... Who cares anyway? Maybe only Gor cares for me now... But he wont be able to understand as we are in different worlds... He is a busy person and who am i to keep finding him? Everytime i feel like calling him, i would think that he might find me irritating or whatsoever... Though i know he wouldnt... I am in the wrong to poke into his life at the first place... Making him worry for me and he still have to put up for my temper... I'm really very sorry... Maybe i know why he cares for me without any reason juz because i'm his sister and not even blood related... He want to know that kind of feeling whereby you work hard for someone you care for... Maybe he only wants to really care for someone... I wouldnt know actually... I muz thank him for being by my side and being here for me... But i might still leave... Leave his world until one day he really forgets me... Though i cant bear to... Cause i love my Gor also... Hmmz... I'll write till here... DeRrIcK i will support you forever!! Though i dun really go crazy over 5566 and Derrick like before, i still love you all deep in my heart! Dun give up and continue to strive hard!

WhY Do I ALwaYS HaVe To FaCe EvErYThInG MySeLf???

Why do i always have to face everything myself? I am always alone... Today i juz knew something. Something which made me cry real hard. Mabel, the friend i trusted most, have been deceiving me all the time. I mean, she didnt tell me many things... She never told me her real character. She had been acting this one year? She have successfully deceived me one year. How stupid i am to think that she is that simple? I have only wanted the purest and simplest happiness. I dislike competitions. I only want peace. Why? Why do all my friends like to compete? Why do they care so much bout these? Why cant the society be in peace? I believed, and want to believe, that there is no need to compete and we can get what we want. We can juz try our best. Is there really a need to compete? I admit that i did bluff her and didnt tell her many things. But those are only small matters. What she have kept me in the dark is something i cant take it. She is really very impressive... I'm very impressed. I am so simple minded. When i was crying real hard juz now, there was no one for me to lean on, no one there for me. I am always facing all these myself. After the heart breaking cry, i, once again, locked myself up. It will not be so easy to be opened again since its locked twice... love derrick and 5566 forever.

School has reopened!

School has reopened and this is the first day of school. I haven sleep yet. Well, thinking alot these days... The holidays... I'm really scared... The changes in me. Though i lied to Mabel that i dunno what have i changed, but actually i knew. My thinkings and character. I want to change back, to my original, unselfish me. why? Why have i changed into this kind of person? The me whom everyone will hate and dislike... Who can i talk to? Who can tell me what to do? Who can help me? This is another test given to me. But its really difficult... Very difficult... I really hoped that it could really be like what Angie have told me. That i will change back after school reopens, and that i have changed because of the holidays i'm too bored. But i know that its Mabel that have changed me. I have always thought that i will not get influenced or changed easily by friends... But now... Haizz...I feel so helpless and scared...