I HaVe LoSt FaIth In LoVe...

Is there any love is this world? I dun believe there is anymore... I really dunno myself and i hate myself for that. I have seen myself too good. I have always thought that i knew myself. But i was wrong... I dunno myself... I thought i haven accepted Fever as my brother but deep down in my heart, i have already accepted him... Juz that i didnt know he is in my list of important people to me. The list of people whom i care for. I have always wanted to find him, call him whenever i feel down or troubled, hoping he could help me or console me. There are always many things i want to tell him, but whenever i face him, i wont be able to say it out. Strange isnt it? I cant say what i want to say... Is that me? Maybe i'm that kind who only says it in my heart... That day when i cried very hard, i have once again locked myself up as there was no one there for me. This school holidays, when i started to know Fever, was juz a dream... School has reopened, and its time for me to wake up and get things back to normal. I love gor, and i know he cares for me... I really do... But i always understand it only after everything is over... These days i seem to be treating him very badly... I know it. But i juz didnt know why i did that. I know in my heart he cares for me... Maybe i'm too selfish. Too selfish to think for him. Too selfish to know at that moment that he is feeling very bad when i treat him like that. I understand now... And i'm really sorry. He trusts me and believes me. But i seem to have lost faith in him. There are four people who i really care for now... Rudolf, Mabel, Gor and maybe Derek... Derek is only a maybe cause i dunno him yet... Maybe the Derek should be changed into DeRrIcK and 5566? There is a fear in me.. Or should i say many fears in me which i will only discover them as days goes by? I'm very scared and helpless now... I hoped someone would be there for me but at the same time i didnt want anyone to be there for me... I dun want to rely on others... So that i wont fall if that person leaves me one day... Gor can you understand? I cant afford to be weak anymore... I dun want to step into relationships or love at least for now... I dun believe in these for now and i dunno how long would i take to start believing again... Who cares anyway? Maybe only Gor cares for me now... But he wont be able to understand as we are in different worlds... He is a busy person and who am i to keep finding him? Everytime i feel like calling him, i would think that he might find me irritating or whatsoever... Though i know he wouldnt... I am in the wrong to poke into his life at the first place... Making him worry for me and he still have to put up for my temper... I'm really very sorry... Maybe i know why he cares for me without any reason juz because i'm his sister and not even blood related... He want to know that kind of feeling whereby you work hard for someone you care for... Maybe he only wants to really care for someone... I wouldnt know actually... I muz thank him for being by my side and being here for me... But i might still leave... Leave his world until one day he really forgets me... Though i cant bear to... Cause i love my Gor also... Hmmz... I'll write till here... DeRrIcK i will support you forever!! Though i dun really go crazy over 5566 and Derrick like before, i still love you all deep in my heart! Dun give up and continue to strive hard!