Yesterday I went to the beach - ECP. I like to go there. Especially when I'm feeling low. The waves are calming. I walked and walked. And sat down on the sand near the waves. Listening to the waves, feeling the breeze, the sand at the touch of my hands. At that moment, it felt good. I felt free. Free from whatever I need to face. Free from my life. My trapped life. My tiring life. My liveless life. My life... Unreal, feeling like I'm not alive. I hate that feeling. I just want to feel alive, even if it's just for one moment... Sitting there, I felt so light, as if something is lifted off, as if my shackles were broken off. I could finally breathe. Maybe that used to be me. With dreams, with positivity, with smiles. As time went by, all the problems, pressure, emotions and feelings start to pile on me. Pushing me down, making me feel so fatigued. I started to dissociate, I am escaping from something. I suddenly realised that, there are three parts of me. The carefree and positive one, the strong yet detached one and the weak and vulnerable one. I should give them names. But I can't think of any for now. So I shall call them 1, 2 and 3. As I sat at the beach, 2 heard 1 said, "辛苦你了." 是啊，累了却一直支撑着。站在那里，无论风吹雨打都保护着 3.

我不想离开海边，因为离开了就必须回到我的生活，那个疲惫无力的自己。但是我没有办法，没有选择。所以我只能将1 和 3 再次埋起来。

 So its one week since Ben and I got together. I don't know why but I seem to be quieter today, I guess I still feel depressed. Why do I feel depressed? I don't know. But I realised that I am always concerned about how others feel, and I try my best to make them feel good. Even when it means I don't get the emotional support I need. Maybe thats where my emotional deprivation comes from, or is it because of my emotional deprivation that I am like this. No one understands me. It's such a lonely feeling. And no matter who I try to talk to, its still the same. And I feel so tired, so exhausted. I wish there is someone who can understand, someone who will not assume, someone who will just listen. I don't need advice, I just need someone to listen. Why isnt there such a person? Someone who can stand by me, just being there when I am hurting. Its not easy to love me, but its easy for them to be loved by me. Honestly, I still do feel depressed, I dread the social gathering tomorrow. I have suicidal urges. They are there, so strong. They will never go away. I am starting to question and wonder, are you really able to stand by me? 

You belong to the light, I belong to darkness.

Why did we cross paths? 

Should I retreat? 

 I guess I should blog more frequently, perhaps make it a habit. To write out my thoughts, my emotions, my insights, my reflection, my learning, my self-discovery. Well, Jeanette told me to write out a reflection for every date I have with Ben. At first I understood what she wants me to reflect on. But now that I have to, I dont actually know how. Or maybe, I know, but I just can't make myself write it out. 

Today is 1st January 2022. And the day that somehow, Ben and I got together. Being with Ben is really nice, we are comfortable with each other. I can sense he genuinely cares about me, he notices small things about me, sometimes even things I did not notice about myself. He is very thoughtful, and tries his best to make sure I am okay, I am comfortable. He said caring for me feels easy? I don't know why all my thoughts are in a mess. All my fears, insecurities just surfaced strongly. My schema is activated, not because something negative but because he cares. I guess it will never make sense to people. Will it make sense to him? I thought, I should be happy that someone cares, but yet I am fearful. Feel like running away, retreating. Should I let myself continue, or should I draw my wall even thicker than before? Should I allow myself to be taken care of, or should I stand by myself? Should I share my vulnerabilities or should I act strong?

Why do you care so much?

What do you see in me?

How much are you able to handle me?

Do you really think that caring for me will be easy?

Will you regret it if one day all my behaviors came up?

Will I be able to control and keep my thoughts/emotions/behaviors in control?

Will you someday feel that I am not as lovable as you think?

Will you be able to handle all my constant need for reassurance?

Will you someday, attribute all the issues we have to me/BPD?

I don't know why but I just can't do this. I am avoiding. I am avoiding any contact with him. Is it because of him? I kept thinking and wondering... But i really don't think so. Even if he never appeared, things would have become like this as well... I am starting to question if I can even go on like this. I start to wonder... Do I love him? Do I love the other him? And I realised...the answer is no. I don't,  for both of them. So what am i doing now? What should i do now? 

 Some things will never leave me, and they will haunt me for the rest of my life. Some scars will never fade, and it will always remind me of the past. While some things will never stay, the ones that I wish it would.

Each day I open my eyes, wondering if today will be different. But each day, I am still on the same page, hoping the next chapter will be better.

Every night I close my eyes, hoping that the next moment I open them, I will see the light. But the light is blinding, so I returned to darkness.

Thank you for coming into my life. For loving me, caring for me, respecting me. This is something I never experienced before. I have been so used to pain and darkness that I don't know how it feels to be free. I always believed I belong to darkness. Never thought I can smile, I can laugh whole-heartedly. Never thought someone can love me, or anyone will treasure me so much. I am happy with you, I feel light, I dont have to be mature, I don't have to carry everything on me, I can rely on you. Its new to me, someone loving me without any expectations from me. To be honest, that doesnt mean I do not have fear or sadness, it doesnt mean I can walk out of the dark. You said I am healing bit by bit... The truth is... I am only when im with you. Without you around, I am and will always be back to who I have been. And deep in my heart, I know you will not stay in my life... I have accepted my fate, and that there is no one for me to rely on. But thank you, for loving me, doting on me, making me feel I am important and I mean something to someone. At least for once in my life, I get to experience this, and that is good enough for me. Thank you...

 So I was hospitalized at IMH for a week. I kind of turned myself in. I realised that I trust SN a lot. Maybe because we spend more time together due to the split teams, or maybe is just because of the way she is? She is a counsellor, yet a colleague at the same time. It feels like she knows how to balance when talking to me. She told me to go to IMH, I didnt want at first, and she told ZK and HH. And last Friday I decided to go there voluntarily. I was really very suicidal. I planned, I wanted to execute it. I know how badly I wanted to die. Its the first time I felt it so strongly. The funny thing is, we don't have freedom in IMH, we go by the routine, we don't get to use our phones, we don't get to do anything. Its super boring. But... I actually felt free inside. I felt like I don't have to face anything, I don't have to force myself to smile, to be strong, I can cry whenever I want and no one will judge me. There are no expectations, no demands. I felt so free. Yet, I know that I cannot stay there for long, I know that ultimately I need to discharge and get back to work, to my life, to all the expectations and demands that are waiting for me. Now that I am discharged, my mood still isn't stable actually. At times, I still think of ending my life, just that it isn't as strong. 

Yesterday, ZK ordered an engagement ring. I am pretty surprised actually. I didnt expect him to get one so soon. But he did, and he spent about 4k. The ring is made to order so it will take about 2 months. Suddenly everything feels so surreal. Even looking at him feels different. And whenever I think of ending my life, I think about him paying of the engagement ring. I know I cannot do it. 

Now one other big stress I have... Is my finances. I realised I don't actually have PSEA to pay for my tuition fees, the money in my CPF is for education scheme loan. So I have to fork out about 2.4k every few months before the next semester. Feel like I am forever in this situation, and it sucks. It gives me stress and anxiety. I don't know how I am going to cope with it. I guess somehow I will find a way. I know I have to work hard on my trading. Yes, I need to. 

As for Marcus, I don't really know what to feel towards you. I am still afraid of chasing you away, I am still afraid of this attachment. On one hand, I hate you for unlocking this emotional need within me, I hate you for making me have this attachment towards you, because of that my emotions go haywire. On the other hand, I am really glad to know you. I am very thankful for all your care and concern towards me. And that because of you, I know I have this emotional need within me, and my therapy can progress. I still cant handle these emotions... Can you tell me what I should do?

 wow I have not used the web version of blogger for like i dont know maybe 10 years? Have always been using the app. But today I just feel like typing on the laptop instead of using the phone. Recently I am just really off, my mood, my thoughts, myself, everything. The suicidal thoughts are there, stronger than ever. I am losing hope... Yet I am still clinging on to some hope. Why? Why can't I just give up? This life isnt worth living anyway. Been feeling very down. I have no motivation, no drive. I am starting to hate work. Maybe not work but the people at work. I always thought its fine, but recently I realised I am not happy here. My boss is just.... Someone I don't trust. I feel so suffocated here. I feel like I am always being doubted of my abilities. I feel like I am useless and worthless here. Yet you keep saying how you like to focus on people's strengths... Why are you focusing all the negative things of me? Why are you picking on anything and everything that I did/did not do? Makes me feel like you are a hypocrite. As time goes by I also start to hate it that mum is in the same room as me. Now she can come and go freely in the room, look at what I am doing etc. And question me. Dammit. There is no where that I can feel safe, I can feel peaceful or calm. There is no place where I can just be myself when I feel tired. I just hate this life. I know i should be working hard to get my trading right but I just don't have any motivation. You know how it feels like when you are always fearful of yourself? When you become scared of your own thoughts and emotions? When you start judging them? It sucks. Suddenly I wonder to myself...Am I really ready to discard this detached protector and dissociation? I won't be able to cope. I won't be able to suppress all the emotions. The desire for connection, the anger, the jealousy, everything. Deep inside, I want to connect with you, but I have to keep cutting off this desire because I don't want to end up losing you. If I never have it, I will never lose it right? 

Not too sure how long i can take this. Keep feeling upset whenever Winston talk about his own story. In fact, i dont even want to hear it anymore. Why is it that people with physical disabilities are more accepted than those with mental health challenges? Why is it that people are more empathetic towards them? Why is it that they have so many opportunities to share their stories and not us? Because people think we can just "change our mindset" while they have no choice? Inclusiveness... Why is it not extended to those with mental illness? As a SEN officer, I advocate for those with special needs. Even so, what about those with Autism and ADHD? Why are they shunned away while physically disabled people are more likely to gain acceptance? I don't really know why i feel this way, or why i am affected. Do we have a voice? 

I have been running away. I did not want to face anything. So i thought I could just live without attending to my inner issues. I am afraid. Because its too much to handle. Its as if a whole gush of water will come hitting me if I were to open the door. And i know I am unable to take it. So I am afraid. I know I will be shaken. 

Every time i see people in the limelight, I feel.... What do i feel? Its an unpleasant feeling but i cant put a word to it. I feel small, invisible, nonexistent. Sometimes it makes me want to withdraw, sometimes it makes me angry. It makes me feel like i am nobody. Where did that stem from? 

So this happened on Frida, and I better note down before I forget. Zk got offered a job by OCBC, MTI and MAS. He accepted the OCBC one. And he told me his starting pay. I am happy for him, but at the same time i was upset. I guess it triggered my failure schema. The thought that i have worked for a few years and my pay is so much lower than his starting pay. I felt lousy. I felt angry. I felt useless. A total failure. I hate myself for not earning more. And I cant go anywhere. I hate it. I feel so upset. And I suddenly feel so hopeless. Even though, that should be a happy thing to celebrate, but i cant help feeling this way.

I also noticed something weird about me. I have been watching Criminal Minds. And i realised everytime someone in the team leaves or joins, I actually feel abit upset. I don't know why. Its quite stupid. I know its just a show but when i watch,  i can feel myself being slightly affected. Although it doesnt affect me to a large extent. 

I realised i havent been adding titles in my post. Because i don't exactly know what to put. I guess my thoughts are so messy. I have many thoughts. But when its time to express them to someone (psychologist), I don't seem to remember and unable to explain. But when im alone or things happen, the thoughts comes up. So I shall blog in case i forget again. One other issue i have is the emptiness i feel inside me. And the need to spend money even though i know i shouldnt. I cant help it I dont know why. Then the thought of having all the credit loans and bills to pay makes me feel worse. I wish i remember my early experiences too. But i just cant seem to remember much. And it sucks... I wish there is some method to recover these memories. Why do my memories fade? Is it because i feel unreal? 

 Sometimes I think that maybe I don't need therapy. But when those thoughts and emotions start again, I realize I do. Then again, does therapy really help? I don't know. Because my issues seem to change all the time. Or maybe, all the pain are there to stay throughout my life. Constantly getting triggered. I feel so tired. So tired of doing so much, of being nothing. I wish you aborted me back then. Yes, my detached protector helped me cope, protected me, helped me be functional. So no one knows. No one knows what is bubbling and boiling inside me, what is scalding my heart. I hate it when I get affected by something and don't know why I feel that way. I take time to figure it out. But so what if I figured it out? It answers my question of why, but it does not make my pain and emotions go away. I always wondered why I get affected when he gets the praise, the recognition and everything. I thought, its because I am annoyed by his boasting. But I realized its more than that. It reminded me of myself being invisible, that everything I do is invisible, that no matter how hard I try and how much I do, no one will notice. It reminds me of how insignificant I am. This is something I can't tell anyone, I can only keep it to myself. As always. Sometimes I wonder, if I feel that everything is unreal, then why do I still feel down and pain? If I feel that everything is just a dream, why does it hurt so much? Why doesn't it take away all the emotions? I need a break. A break from the world. I need peace and quiet. I need a place where I don't have to face anyone or anything. A safe place. Unfortunately, that safe place only exists in the mind. And its not a place I can go to whenever I want to. 

I don't know why but I feel so angry. I hate you. I hate people who live an easy life. People who gets things that i work hard for so easily. Im so evil, i hate people who are in bliss. But i don't even know why I'm like this. And i hate myself. I just hate everything. Everyone. It hurts. How I wish I can be the one who contract the virus and die. I'll gladly exchange my life for those who wants to live. If there's a death god, please take me away. 

I want to die so badly. Cant help but keep crying whenever I'm not occupied. It hurts so badly. Why is everywhere a trigger for me now? Work, home, aerial, you. Everything triggers my pain, my tears. So many things going on in my mind. 

Why am i born into this world? Why am I just a burden and nuisance to you all? Why do you always have to make me feel guilty for everything I do or not do? Why is my existence not enough for you? Why is it that everything i do for you dont seem to count? Why do you have to make feel so useless for not being able to give you lavish life? I dont even know whether you love me or not. I hate this place. I hate hearing your voice, your complaints. I hate both of you talking to me. I hate listening and not even being heard. I never talked. Because you all never cared.

And I'm just this lousy person that no matter how hard i try I will never do well. I will never be confident. Im just not good at anything. I am fat, ugly and suck at fashion. I am not as smart as him, not as slim and fashionable as her. 

I know I'm not important to anyone, it doesnt matter whether i exist. This thought never fail to bring tears to my eyes. I have nothing, and will leave with nothing. I am disposable, unwanted. 

I wish I have the courage to leave. 

My past entries in this blog- although I definitely can still relate, and know they are what I have gone through and is still going through now, sometimes it feels like another person talking to me. Maybe because these posts are from many years ago. I was just a teenager. But I was in deep pain. I tried all means to avoid, to escape, to block the pain. I couldnt handle the emotions. I couldnt understand what is going on and what is wrong with me. I had no one. I was alone. And I was just a teenager. 

I'm in this state where... I blocked off all emotions. And connection. I hide myself behind a mask I put up. I smile, I laugh, I go crazy, I seem positive and all seems good. Maybe it is good. The fact that I dont really have much emotions. And I dont really care. I realised I gave up trying to make my point across about our interactions and connections. Because the same thing keeps repeating. You try, and you stop. And I bring it up. Then you try again, and you stop again. This time is worse. Its not even at the end of the day. Its once every few days. That's why I cant trust, I cant trust anyone at all. Because I have no control over others, why should I subject myself to disappointments? But this also means... Nothing is important to me anymore. I'm going to do what I want, alone. Becoming that super independent and free girl. I chose to block my mind and emotions, I guess thats why emotional deprivation is one of my schemas? But this also means that I cant be affectionate with you anymore. In fact I lost the desire to even want to meet you. Its as if you are gone in my life. That's the thing about some BPDs; when a person is away from our sight, they become unreal. A character we are not sure if they exist.  

There's always this feeling. This uncomfortable feeling. Its a painful feeling, one that I hate. Its as if something inside me is gnawing, chewing up my heart, my soul, slowing eating me inside. I desperately want to call for help, for someone to take away this horrible feeling. But I always decide not to. Because I know no one understands, and no one can take away the pain. And then I feel like engaging in self harm, as a means of coping with the hope that I will feel better. I want to die badly, want to take a knife and pierce through my heart. If only I can.

Guilt. Hatred. Annoyance. Frustration. That's what I face everyday in my life. And I cant escape. 

Somehow I'm starting to write this blog again. Maybe because I realise how interesting it is when I look back at my previous posts from years ago. And many years into the future, how will I be feeling when i read this post? Or... Do I even have a "many years into the future"? Who knows. But this blog really reminds me of how even after many years, my thoughts and emotions are the same. Even now, I realise once again that the only way for everything to go on normally, is to hide away all my emotions,  to close myself up, to appear fine. And that means, to be alone. Although honestly, I really hate that. I hate the feeling of being alone, of faking smiles and pretending I'm all good. Because deep inside me, I'm crying, I'm bleeding, I'm crashing. I have no one. That's my life. That's how my life have always been, and will always be. I've always felt like I dont belong here. Where do i belong then? I'm a stranger, to this world and to myself. Sometimes I don't even know if I actually exist. What if we all dont exist? What makes us certain that we exist? Is it what we leave behind? The impact we made to this world? The traces that prove we were once in this planet Earth? And someday our skeletons become fossils to be studied by the future habitants. Okay I am getting too far fetched. 

As I read all my previous posts, I suddenly realised how fast time passes. So I have been struggling for 13 years. And all my posts sounded the same. I just keep repeating those words in the posts. I guess even after so long, nothing changed. And I'm probably going to continue repeating them. Have nothing changed? I grew up, I studied, I graduated, i started working. But why do all these thoughts and emotions stay the same? Am i going to continue suffering for the rest of my life? Well, one thing is... I know what my actual diagnosis is. It makes a difference. But at the same time, it doesn't. It doesnt take away my pain and suffering. Although it helped me understand myself better. Even so, I still don't really understand myself. Each time I experience negative emotions and thoughts, i have to think and anaylse so hard for the reasons. Maybe it doesnt matter whether i know the reasons or not. But i guess.... The problem with being aware and conscious that something is wrong makes me want to know what it is, and why. And I find myself always having to explain so hard to others. Because no one understands. I probably should count the number of times i stated "no one understands" in this blog. I am a high functioning BPD. I studied and graduated from University. I have a stable job. Because of that, everyone thinks all is well. And humans being humans, tend to judge others. Just because I seem "normal" on the surface doesnt mean I am struggling lesser than the others. I realised that sometimes having a label might actually be a relief. When others look at a person with mental illness that appears obvious, their expectations lowers and they might actually be more understanding towards them. On the other hand, a high functioning person struggling with mental illness might look so normal that others place the same societal expectations on them and end up judging them for their shortfalls. Its tiring. Of course I'm not saying who is better off, because ultimately, we are all strugglling badly in our own circumstances. And it feels terrible. 

I wonder, why am I still alive? Is it because I am afraid of the process of commiting suicide? All of a sudden I just feel like withdrawing myself. My tolerance and capacity have dropped drastically. I'm no longer who I was.