I don't know why but I just can't do this. I am avoiding. I am avoiding any contact with him. Is it because of him? I kept thinking and wondering... But i really don't think so. Even if he never appeared, things would have become like this as well... I am starting to question if I can even go on like this. I start to wonder... Do I love him? Do I love the other him? And I realised...the answer is no. I don't,  for both of them. So what am i doing now? What should i do now? 

 Some things will never leave me, and they will haunt me for the rest of my life. Some scars will never fade, and it will always remind me of the past. While some things will never stay, the ones that I wish it would.

Each day I open my eyes, wondering if today will be different. But each day, I am still on the same page, hoping the next chapter will be better.

Every night I close my eyes, hoping that the next moment I open them, I will see the light. But the light is blinding, so I returned to darkness.

Thank you for coming into my life. For loving me, caring for me, respecting me. This is something I never experienced before. I have been so used to pain and darkness that I don't know how it feels to be free. I always believed I belong to darkness. Never thought I can smile, I can laugh whole-heartedly. Never thought someone can love me, or anyone will treasure me so much. I am happy with you, I feel light, I dont have to be mature, I don't have to carry everything on me, I can rely on you. Its new to me, someone loving me without any expectations from me. To be honest, that doesnt mean I do not have fear or sadness, it doesnt mean I can walk out of the dark. You said I am healing bit by bit... The truth is... I am only when im with you. Without you around, I am and will always be back to who I have been. And deep in my heart, I know you will not stay in my life... I have accepted my fate, and that there is no one for me to rely on. But thank you, for loving me, doting on me, making me feel I am important and I mean something to someone. At least for once in my life, I get to experience this, and that is good enough for me. Thank you...

 So I was hospitalized at IMH for a week. I kind of turned myself in. I realised that I trust SN a lot. Maybe because we spend more time together due to the split teams, or maybe is just because of the way she is? She is a counsellor, yet a colleague at the same time. It feels like she knows how to balance when talking to me. She told me to go to IMH, I didnt want at first, and she told ZK and HH. And last Friday I decided to go there voluntarily. I was really very suicidal. I planned, I wanted to execute it. I know how badly I wanted to die. Its the first time I felt it so strongly. The funny thing is, we don't have freedom in IMH, we go by the routine, we don't get to use our phones, we don't get to do anything. Its super boring. But... I actually felt free inside. I felt like I don't have to face anything, I don't have to force myself to smile, to be strong, I can cry whenever I want and no one will judge me. There are no expectations, no demands. I felt so free. Yet, I know that I cannot stay there for long, I know that ultimately I need to discharge and get back to work, to my life, to all the expectations and demands that are waiting for me. Now that I am discharged, my mood still isn't stable actually. At times, I still think of ending my life, just that it isn't as strong. 

Yesterday, ZK ordered an engagement ring. I am pretty surprised actually. I didnt expect him to get one so soon. But he did, and he spent about 4k. The ring is made to order so it will take about 2 months. Suddenly everything feels so surreal. Even looking at him feels different. And whenever I think of ending my life, I think about him paying of the engagement ring. I know I cannot do it. 

Now one other big stress I have... Is my finances. I realised I don't actually have PSEA to pay for my tuition fees, the money in my CPF is for education scheme loan. So I have to fork out about 2.4k every few months before the next semester. Feel like I am forever in this situation, and it sucks. It gives me stress and anxiety. I don't know how I am going to cope with it. I guess somehow I will find a way. I know I have to work hard on my trading. Yes, I need to. 

As for Marcus, I don't really know what to feel towards you. I am still afraid of chasing you away, I am still afraid of this attachment. On one hand, I hate you for unlocking this emotional need within me, I hate you for making me have this attachment towards you, because of that my emotions go haywire. On the other hand, I am really glad to know you. I am very thankful for all your care and concern towards me. And that because of you, I know I have this emotional need within me, and my therapy can progress. I still cant handle these emotions... Can you tell me what I should do?

 wow I have not used the web version of blogger for like i dont know maybe 10 years? Have always been using the app. But today I just feel like typing on the laptop instead of using the phone. Recently I am just really off, my mood, my thoughts, myself, everything. The suicidal thoughts are there, stronger than ever. I am losing hope... Yet I am still clinging on to some hope. Why? Why can't I just give up? This life isnt worth living anyway. Been feeling very down. I have no motivation, no drive. I am starting to hate work. Maybe not work but the people at work. I always thought its fine, but recently I realised I am not happy here. My boss is just.... Someone I don't trust. I feel so suffocated here. I feel like I am always being doubted of my abilities. I feel like I am useless and worthless here. Yet you keep saying how you like to focus on people's strengths... Why are you focusing all the negative things of me? Why are you picking on anything and everything that I did/did not do? Makes me feel like you are a hypocrite. As time goes by I also start to hate it that mum is in the same room as me. Now she can come and go freely in the room, look at what I am doing etc. And question me. Dammit. There is no where that I can feel safe, I can feel peaceful or calm. There is no place where I can just be myself when I feel tired. I just hate this life. I know i should be working hard to get my trading right but I just don't have any motivation. You know how it feels like when you are always fearful of yourself? When you become scared of your own thoughts and emotions? When you start judging them? It sucks. Suddenly I wonder to myself...Am I really ready to discard this detached protector and dissociation? I won't be able to cope. I won't be able to suppress all the emotions. The desire for connection, the anger, the jealousy, everything. Deep inside, I want to connect with you, but I have to keep cutting off this desire because I don't want to end up losing you. If I never have it, I will never lose it right? 

Not too sure how long i can take this. Keep feeling upset whenever Winston talk about his own story. In fact, i dont even want to hear it anymore. Why is it that people with physical disabilities are more accepted than those with mental health challenges? Why is it that people are more empathetic towards them? Why is it that they have so many opportunities to share their stories and not us? Because people think we can just "change our mindset" while they have no choice? Inclusiveness... Why is it not extended to those with mental illness? As a SEN officer, I advocate for those with special needs. Even so, what about those with Autism and ADHD? Why are they shunned away while physically disabled people are more likely to gain acceptance? I don't really know why i feel this way, or why i am affected. Do we have a voice? 

I have been running away. I did not want to face anything. So i thought I could just live without attending to my inner issues. I am afraid. Because its too much to handle. Its as if a whole gush of water will come hitting me if I were to open the door. And i know I am unable to take it. So I am afraid. I know I will be shaken. 

Every time i see people in the limelight, I feel.... What do i feel? Its an unpleasant feeling but i cant put a word to it. I feel small, invisible, nonexistent. Sometimes it makes me want to withdraw, sometimes it makes me angry. It makes me feel like i am nobody. Where did that stem from? 

So this happened on Frida, and I better note down before I forget. Zk got offered a job by OCBC, MTI and MAS. He accepted the OCBC one. And he told me his starting pay. I am happy for him, but at the same time i was upset. I guess it triggered my failure schema. The thought that i have worked for a few years and my pay is so much lower than his starting pay. I felt lousy. I felt angry. I felt useless. A total failure. I hate myself for not earning more. And I cant go anywhere. I hate it. I feel so upset. And I suddenly feel so hopeless. Even though, that should be a happy thing to celebrate, but i cant help feeling this way.

I also noticed something weird about me. I have been watching Criminal Minds. And i realised everytime someone in the team leaves or joins, I actually feel abit upset. I don't know why. Its quite stupid. I know its just a show but when i watch,  i can feel myself being slightly affected. Although it doesnt affect me to a large extent. 

I realised i havent been adding titles in my post. Because i don't exactly know what to put. I guess my thoughts are so messy. I have many thoughts. But when its time to express them to someone (psychologist), I don't seem to remember and unable to explain. But when im alone or things happen, the thoughts comes up. So I shall blog in case i forget again. One other issue i have is the emptiness i feel inside me. And the need to spend money even though i know i shouldnt. I cant help it I dont know why. Then the thought of having all the credit loans and bills to pay makes me feel worse. I wish i remember my early experiences too. But i just cant seem to remember much. And it sucks... I wish there is some method to recover these memories. Why do my memories fade? Is it because i feel unreal? 

 Sometimes I think that maybe I don't need therapy. But when those thoughts and emotions start again, I realize I do. Then again, does therapy really help? I don't know. Because my issues seem to change all the time. Or maybe, all the pain are there to stay throughout my life. Constantly getting triggered. I feel so tired. So tired of doing so much, of being nothing. I wish you aborted me back then. Yes, my detached protector helped me cope, protected me, helped me be functional. So no one knows. No one knows what is bubbling and boiling inside me, what is scalding my heart. I hate it when I get affected by something and don't know why I feel that way. I take time to figure it out. But so what if I figured it out? It answers my question of why, but it does not make my pain and emotions go away. I always wondered why I get affected when he gets the praise, the recognition and everything. I thought, its because I am annoyed by his boasting. But I realized its more than that. It reminded me of myself being invisible, that everything I do is invisible, that no matter how hard I try and how much I do, no one will notice. It reminds me of how insignificant I am. This is something I can't tell anyone, I can only keep it to myself. As always. Sometimes I wonder, if I feel that everything is unreal, then why do I still feel down and pain? If I feel that everything is just a dream, why does it hurt so much? Why doesn't it take away all the emotions? I need a break. A break from the world. I need peace and quiet. I need a place where I don't have to face anyone or anything. A safe place. Unfortunately, that safe place only exists in the mind. And its not a place I can go to whenever I want to.