It JuZ GeTs WoRse...

why does my pain juz gets worse? why do i fall even greater? why cant i even at least juz maintain?? my world's closing in. who would care? maybe gor. he's the only one. i give up councillors. i hate them. but i hate myself even more. what wrong have i done? what have i done to deserve all these? why cant i juz die off? why do everyone everything have to torture me like that? i dun belong to this freaking world. i juz dont. why does everyone start detesting me? i'm already tired enough... please. stop everything. who doesnt want to be happy? who doesnt want to be loved? i dun need to be happy. neither do i want to be loved. i juz hope no one will dislike or detest me. everything, they're getting so far. i dun understand this world. what does this world comprise of? i hope, the doctors would tell me one day that i'm going to die soon. its torturous. i dun want this life. i hate myself. who am i? i need someone to tell me. who the hell am i? my name, my looks, my everything, they're so far away. what can i do? nothing. sit back, get detested, and wait fer death. i have no other feelings except hatred, pain and hurt. whats the point of everything? someone tell me. who am i? i have nothing. i have lost everything. so my life is meaningless. i dun need anything, dun want anything. i juz hope this life ends. i juz hope when i leave , everyone will be happy and in harmony. things dun come in my way, and i have no choice. i've lost everything. one day, i'll juz lose my life. but why doesnt it get lost quickly? no one will remember me, i have nothing, so there isnt anything for me to stay in this world. i feel that, only gor will love me. and tong staying by my side. and jie. maybe, they the only ones who might understand how it hurts. but they wont understand still. my pain. they wont. but i still wanna thank them for loving me. the only ones who will not detest me maybe? a big thank you to all of you. and, i really love you all. juz that i really have no more energy left to love you all, or to do anything. but trust me, i really do love you all. the important ppl in my life. the whole of my life. gor, you once said i am still young, i have hope. but do you know that thats what i've been asking myself often? i'm still young. why do i have to face everything? why am i fated and supposed to lose everything when i'm still young? no idea. no one knows the answer. they wouldnt know. pointless and meaningless. hatred and pain. hurt and hell. very nice combination. and a very beautiful life.

WhaT The RuDDy HeLL Is LiFe aLL AbouT?

zzzz sianz.... wth life... damn life. whats the point man? its extremely meaningless. i'm tired. really tired... juz wanna close my eyes and never wake up. i dun want to face anything, or anyone. life is juz a pile of shit, a pile of dung. damn disturbing thing- life. it sucks. kill me. whats the point in everything? pointless. might as well heck care. my tiredness, my pain, my hurt... no one will see. neither will anyone care. i wanna leave this world. really. i cant stand it anymore. i'm falling. see how long can i stand? fall. soon. i'll juz stand until one day i cant stand and juz die off. doesnt make any difference to anyone anywayz. life sucks. i hate life. i hate myself. hell tired. i wanna give up. who will know how painful it is? how tired i am? how hurt i feel? or who would even bother?? no one. thats the conclusion. i had to be strong in front of everyone. had to act like i'm in a good mood everyday. had to hide all my pain. no one will know or shall know. its not easy to be me. not easy to understand. but dun ever try man. its not a toy. nothing fun to play with. suffocate me, the pain. can i juz sleep forever? i'm tired... i dun want to do anything else anymore.... my limit... my energy...all of it...are being used up already. i'm glad, at least i made it. the camp... i could stand until the camp is over... so now even if i fall dead, its alright. i wanna thank everyone for their help at the camp... but its time for me to leave, which i actually hope its soon, then my time is up. i wanna juz leave this world. this meaningless life. this life of hatred. everything hurts me. juz let me die, why torture me?? why muz everyone do this to me? no, they didnt. i have completely no idea. everything seems wrong to me. everything feels so wrong to me. wth. i'm tired....

I WaNNa EnD EveRyThinG

sec 3 life. tiring. but thats not why i'm so tired. i am always tired anywayz. no different actually. recently always stayed in school, somedays with angie in the canteen, some in the councillor room. i juz din want to go home. anywayz, does it matter? is there any diff? in school or at home, its the same. no matter where i am, its the same... i dun belong anywhere. i dun belong in this world. so does it make a difference where i am? no it doesnt. i really dunno until when can i move on until... i'm really tired. my life is meaningless. its a total failure. thats my motto. a life of hatred. a life of failure. i'm juz so tired. i want to end everything. i juz want to give up everything and leave this world. can i? i dont know. i have the rights. its my own life. yet my life belong to my mother. i really want to juz end everything. why cant anyone juz kill me? shoot me. my life. my life is painful. it hurts. everything hurts me. i'm tired. my world, is juz a piece of darkness. with no one in it. i'm alone, like i always am. no difference. i juz want to end everything now. i dun even want to know what happened to me already. whats the point? totally pointless. i want to give up councillors, give up my studies and everything, and juz leave this world. give up my life. it sucks. its painful. no one will understand and they better not... its not easy to be me. i hate everything in this world. i hate myself. i resented everything. im getting more and more tired. i will fall one day. i have no tomorrow. i dun remember the past, cant feel the present and dun see the future. i dun feel that i have a tomorrow. hows this kind of life? i know, i will leave one day. maybe, tomorrow, maybe, today. i wont know. no one knows. i'm a weakling... muahahaha. sickening life. i'm really tired. i want to stop. to end everything. including my life.

CaN FeeLinGs Be ConTroLLeD??

damn confusing... can feelings be controlled? juz came back from sec one orientation camp today... from 4 jan to 6 jan...missed 2 days of lssons... hahaz. i have no idea...about something... there's someone whom i dunno whether i like or not... bout that bulldog is not real. but this im not sure... in that bulldog's case, i was messed up by my things and wasnt calm to think it through. my feelings that time was in a mess. so i was wrong. but this... haizz.. mabel said she thinks i really like him... but i dunno. helpless. but anywayz, i cant like anyone. i dun want either. i'm one with no feelings remember? a body without a soul. and i dun want to get hurt anymore. love is like a needle. a cactus. it pricks, hurts also. and exciting. but i really dun want to get hurt anymore. i'm one with no feelings. i only will hurt ppl... i dun understand... why dun ppl cherish what they have? their most basic ability to feel love and happiness. their ability to have feelings? i have lost all my abilities. i'm juz nothing. like what gor said:
Im sick of doing everything just for the sake of spending time, just to get another day over.. I want a life too... haizz. but can we? i know its impossible for me and gor... we're in the same world. but he doesnt think i am. hahaz. told you no one knows a thing bout me. anywayz, does it matter? i have no feelings, everything's fake. i dun belong here. i wanna leave. i want to end everything. i really hope ppl can cherish. cause its not easy to be me. i'm tired. write my name in the death notebook. kill me by the god eyes, i dun mind. everydays the same. tiring. i dunno when will i fall. i have no more strengths to do anything... i wanna sleep forever. know about nothing. dun have to face anything. thats nice... i can feel nothing except hatred. this is my life. extremely meaningless. a total failure. a life of hatred. a life of failure. a simple wish yet difficult. might as well forget bout that wish. i'm juz so tired. hope everyone's well.