ConFuSeD By eVeRyThInG...

Haizz so confused by everything in my life... Those important to me, Mabel, Fever and my family, Rudolf... Friends, family and love... Now i'm having problems with friends most... Which is Mabel... She have turned into someone i cant and unable to understand... She looks into darkness when she can actually see beautiful colours... Why cant she juz spare a thought for others? She cant understand the feelings of those who care for her, like me.... But everything, the problem lies with me... Cause i have fallen... My fall caused Mabel to fall even greater... I have to stand up quick to help her... I dunno how long i can withstand the pressure but i still have to hold on... I have no other choice... Mabel is very weak and falls easily... I am very tired... But still have to hold on... My family.... I got to be responsible for their meals, make sure my sister and brother eats... I'm getting further and further away from Fever... We have our own lives anywayz... He is unable to understand some things and i am unable to understand him at all... However i dunno why regardless how many times he made me disappointed in him, I still put hopes on him. He doesnt know either... I have to face, face everything myself... I am getting really tired... I dun want to care much bout love... Cause i have already lost all my trust in that... I have not forgotten Rudolf... So i am unable to like either Derek or Haris... I dun want to deceive myself... I always force myself to do things... I am really tired and afraid... Hoping that someone will be there for me always but i know there will never be... Fever made and caused me to rely on him and walked out of my life slowly... So i only have myself... Make decisions myself... Music is my only motivation. I have no more strength to move on... How long can i stand before i fall again? I have no where and no chance to even cry.... I'm really confused... Haizz... Love 5566 forever! DeRrIcK muz buck up and have the best album!

I HaVe LoSt FaIth In LoVe...

Is there any love is this world? I dun believe there is anymore... I really dunno myself and i hate myself for that. I have seen myself too good. I have always thought that i knew myself. But i was wrong... I dunno myself... I thought i haven accepted Fever as my brother but deep down in my heart, i have already accepted him... Juz that i didnt know he is in my list of important people to me. The list of people whom i care for. I have always wanted to find him, call him whenever i feel down or troubled, hoping he could help me or console me. There are always many things i want to tell him, but whenever i face him, i wont be able to say it out. Strange isnt it? I cant say what i want to say... Is that me? Maybe i'm that kind who only says it in my heart... That day when i cried very hard, i have once again locked myself up as there was no one there for me. This school holidays, when i started to know Fever, was juz a dream... School has reopened, and its time for me to wake up and get things back to normal. I love gor, and i know he cares for me... I really do... But i always understand it only after everything is over... These days i seem to be treating him very badly... I know it. But i juz didnt know why i did that. I know in my heart he cares for me... Maybe i'm too selfish. Too selfish to think for him. Too selfish to know at that moment that he is feeling very bad when i treat him like that. I understand now... And i'm really sorry. He trusts me and believes me. But i seem to have lost faith in him. There are four people who i really care for now... Rudolf, Mabel, Gor and maybe Derek... Derek is only a maybe cause i dunno him yet... Maybe the Derek should be changed into DeRrIcK and 5566? There is a fear in me.. Or should i say many fears in me which i will only discover them as days goes by? I'm very scared and helpless now... I hoped someone would be there for me but at the same time i didnt want anyone to be there for me... I dun want to rely on others... So that i wont fall if that person leaves me one day... Gor can you understand? I cant afford to be weak anymore... I dun want to step into relationships or love at least for now... I dun believe in these for now and i dunno how long would i take to start believing again... Who cares anyway? Maybe only Gor cares for me now... But he wont be able to understand as we are in different worlds... He is a busy person and who am i to keep finding him? Everytime i feel like calling him, i would think that he might find me irritating or whatsoever... Though i know he wouldnt... I am in the wrong to poke into his life at the first place... Making him worry for me and he still have to put up for my temper... I'm really very sorry... Maybe i know why he cares for me without any reason juz because i'm his sister and not even blood related... He want to know that kind of feeling whereby you work hard for someone you care for... Maybe he only wants to really care for someone... I wouldnt know actually... I muz thank him for being by my side and being here for me... But i might still leave... Leave his world until one day he really forgets me... Though i cant bear to... Cause i love my Gor also... Hmmz... I'll write till here... DeRrIcK i will support you forever!! Though i dun really go crazy over 5566 and Derrick like before, i still love you all deep in my heart! Dun give up and continue to strive hard!

WhY Do I ALwaYS HaVe To FaCe EvErYThInG MySeLf???

Why do i always have to face everything myself? I am always alone... Today i juz knew something. Something which made me cry real hard. Mabel, the friend i trusted most, have been deceiving me all the time. I mean, she didnt tell me many things... She never told me her real character. She had been acting this one year? She have successfully deceived me one year. How stupid i am to think that she is that simple? I have only wanted the purest and simplest happiness. I dislike competitions. I only want peace. Why? Why do all my friends like to compete? Why do they care so much bout these? Why cant the society be in peace? I believed, and want to believe, that there is no need to compete and we can get what we want. We can juz try our best. Is there really a need to compete? I admit that i did bluff her and didnt tell her many things. But those are only small matters. What she have kept me in the dark is something i cant take it. She is really very impressive... I'm very impressed. I am so simple minded. When i was crying real hard juz now, there was no one for me to lean on, no one there for me. I am always facing all these myself. After the heart breaking cry, i, once again, locked myself up. It will not be so easy to be opened again since its locked twice... love derrick and 5566 forever.

School has reopened!

School has reopened and this is the first day of school. I haven sleep yet. Well, thinking alot these days... The holidays... I'm really scared... The changes in me. Though i lied to Mabel that i dunno what have i changed, but actually i knew. My thinkings and character. I want to change back, to my original, unselfish me. why? Why have i changed into this kind of person? The me whom everyone will hate and dislike... Who can i talk to? Who can tell me what to do? Who can help me? This is another test given to me. But its really difficult... Very difficult... I really hoped that it could really be like what Angie have told me. That i will change back after school reopens, and that i have changed because of the holidays i'm too bored. But i know that its Mabel that have changed me. I have always thought that i will not get influenced or changed easily by friends... But now... Haizz...I feel so helpless and scared...