ConFuSioN

i'm so damn confused by everything... whats going on? what the hell is going on??? who can tell me??? tell me!!! whats wrong with everything and everyone? i really dunno anything. hell. juz so uncertain. everything. everything i do feels so wrong. no, it is wrong!! no one helps me! i juz want to live a peaceful life. a noble ambition. a nice dream. WHY?! why muz it be so difficult?? i really dunno what the hell they're thinking. why do they have to make everything so difficult for me??? everything's juz so uncertain, unsure. hell. who wanna try being me? being someone who can only feel hatred, pain. who wanna be like me? someone who cant even feel the slightest bit of happiness, love. even if there really is. i dun even have the basic thing every human has-laughter. what is happiness? ask me? no idea. asked the wrong person. i really give up... this world... so tiring to do anything... wanna cry. but does it help? will i even feel a bit better after that? no. its the same. everyday, every minute, every second... hatred. its bloody nice. i really do not have any more strengths to do anything... i juz feel so tired. i wanna cry. i wanna rest. i wanna stop. i dun wanna continue anymore. no one will know, no one will understand. i dun have the ability to feel happiness. since everyone else has, why wouldnt they juz make use of it? i've lost the ability long ago. what i want is juz so simple, yet so difficult. pain and hatred. lol. how nice. i'm really tired... i cant feel anything. i want to stop. i want to end. its juz too tiring. i'm only a passerby in everybody's life. no one will remember me. what and for whom am i living for? easy question. my mother. i'm living for her. i'm doing everything for her. i'll work hard. i'll achieve and be successful. one day, she'll see my success and be happy. i want her to be fortunate. to be proud of me. but when she leaves, i'll leave with her. i want her to feel the happiness. besides that, there's nothing for me to live on. i have to go on. for her. and i do want everyone to be happy. yes of course. but no one will remember me. never mind. whatever. whatever i do is wrong. blame on me. i dun mind. everything i do is wrong. everything feels so wrong. take a gun and shoot me. i'll be grateful. thanks a lot. i'll really be grateful. go on, shoot me. kill me. i dun exist anywayz

HaiZz ShouLd I ForGiVe HiM???

damn.... should i forgive him? haizz... sometimes i dunno why but i cant feel angry with him. and sometimes i feel that angry... no matter what he hurt me so deeply... why should i forgive him? he some sort betrayed me... why should i forgive him? yet i really cant bear not to... i seem to feel like forgiving him... if i forgive him, maybe we'll be nothing after that... so what'll my heart decide? should i? haizz... he keep asking me to forgive him... mabel keep asking me whether i'm alright and whether this will affect our friendship...truthfully i really dunno... though i can sms and talk to her on the phone, i dun feel like meeting or seeing her... not for the time being bahx... no matter what i still need time to recover... but why is this taking so long? it shouldnt be like that... i usually can recover very fast de... why did i let him into my life? why did i let him affect me? affect my mood and everything... my brain is going to burst... haizz... i'm already feeling very tired le...yet still got this thing to bother me... haizz... why muz be like this? yesterday i skipped choir.. really dun feel like going...feeling damn tired.... and also i dun wanna see mabel... and she and him thinks that i din go choir because of this. well, its true... but the time i also really feeling damn tired... after that went out with gor and hui ying jie... but because i'm too tired to do anything or even talk, they keep talking, scared i bored or sianz... hahaz... sorry. and gor bought coke fer me in burger king...i dun like ppl to treat me derhx... so i refused to drink...but thinking that it'll be a waste if i dun drink cause gor and hui ying jie already sharing one big coke lerhx...so i had to drink... then we went marine parade k box... i know they go because of me... they know i love singing... thanks... gor going broke... the k box plus buffet de so expensive... but because i never eat before that kind of food, i didnt eat... sorry again... thanks for everything...gor and hui ying jie... not i dun like everything or i'm unhappy... juz really tired and bothered... sorry and thanks... haizz... haizz... back to him... why should i let him affect me?!?! if he didnt appear in my life, i would be the same... and i dun care... why.......... now i cant concentrate in everything i do... who am i? truthfully i still dunno... but dun worry... im still as pathetic as ever... the previous posts... still the same... no worries... muahahaha... pain, hurt and hatred... beautiful life aint it? hahaz of course~ gor and hui ying jie, hope you all are well... love you all!!!

DoEs LoVe ReaLLy ExiSt???

yoz... long time never write lerhx... humans' thinkings are really strange aren't they? in a few seconds time, millions of thing can come into your mind, either good or bad. happy or unhappy, your mood might change in a second. so no one's able to predict anything. so whats the use for a fortune teller already? haizz... love comes fast too. hui khin, maybe you shouldnt have invited me to your chalet BBQ. if you didnt, i wouldnt have met him either... but i din regret though. in hui khin's BBQ, i met a guy. we bickered alot. from when we walked out of the chalet to go out walk walk. until we went home, gone separate ways... even in the bus bickered so loudly... mabel cant stand it keep shouting fer us to shut up and keep quiet. muahaha.. i hit him even... didnt expect that i will like him after that... took his number from hui khin... and smsed him. yesterday i went to help mabel in her shop. she say she alone scared cannot handle... so i had to wake up early to help her... slept the night before at 2... and woke up at 5 to help her out... zZzzz. i gave him mabel's number... cause i feel that he likes her... i told him not to tell mabel that i knew his number, not to tell her i smsed him. and not to tell her that i gave him mabel's number... in the end? he told her everything. told her i tell him to woo her. why? why does everyone want to do that to me? why does everyone want to deceive me? why muz they break all my trust in them? why muz they bluff me? why muz they do this? its really painful... all the things that i have to face. why cant they at least do a simple thing such as keeping their promises? why cant they even try not to lie? the people i trusted most, those whom are important to me. yet they deceives me. tell me how to trust them... tell me how to trust anythign everything? mabel, freeze, him... maybe there're still many... but i din know? its not the first time i was deceived. yet i had to control. i had to fake. i had to try my best not to seem hurt. but i cant. i was too hurt. i cried in front of mabel, in her shop(dun worry that time no customer). she din understand what happened and asked him. questioned him. and told him i cried.(nice isnt it? another one. another time) i told mabel maybe i liked him(thats before everything happened). then we worked cause got customers. suddenly came in alot. hell. wasnt myself. keep doing wrong things. hahaz. in the midst of being busy, mabel still got time keep asking me whether i like him not. as i dunno myself, i said dunno. then she told me what i guessed correctly(as stated above) that he is wooing her... well, i'm used to it. its not the first time anywayz. i wanna thank them. and him. for preventing me from forgetting all my hatred. for making me give up entirely in love. i wont ever fall in love with anyone again. love doesnt exist. it doesnt. so why bother caring bout it. i give up. its really tiring. no one will understand anywayz. when i told mabel i wont ever fall in love again, and that i like him more than shaun, her reply was: anything la. i hate to be entangled in these things... did she ever think about me? think fer me? she hates being entangled in these. what about me? how hurt was i feeling at that time and not a consoling word came out from her. i was depressed. hell. now i know... i really know. and i wont ever believe again. no one knows....how tired i am. how much i really wished, that when i close my eyes, i will sleep forever. and never wake up. so i wouldnt have to face any more things... this world. is hell. worse. now, in my heart, besides hatred, i cant feel anything. there's no love. muahahaha. its nice. anywayz i'm one who cant feel anything. so why bother? in everyone's life, i'm only a passerby. someone who only appears to say hi. someone who leaves and no one will remember... dun bother bout me. i'm really very tired. my pain and hurt. its wonderful. i only have myself. no one else. my life, is meaningless. i live, to work hard to earn money for my mother to lead a better life. i really juz hope she can cope until that day, when i succeeded. thats the only thing i'm living for. muahahaha. you wait, one day i'll let those who despised us, those who made my mother's life miserable to know....that we're better than them. rich so what? hell them. i will make them know...see how's their reaction. muahahaha!!! anywayz my life's nothing except this. heck