So I was hospitalized at IMH for a week. I kind of turned myself in. I realised that I trust SN a lot. Maybe because we spend more time together due to the split teams, or maybe is just because of the way she is? She is a counsellor, yet a colleague at the same time. It feels like she knows how to balance when talking to me. She told me to go to IMH, I didnt want at first, and she told ZK and HH. And last Friday I decided to go there voluntarily. I was really very suicidal. I planned, I wanted to execute it. I know how badly I wanted to die. Its the first time I felt it so strongly. The funny thing is, we don't have freedom in IMH, we go by the routine, we don't get to use our phones, we don't get to do anything. Its super boring. But... I actually felt free inside. I felt like I don't have to face anything, I don't have to force myself to smile, to be strong, I can cry whenever I want and no one will judge me. There are no expectations, no demands. I felt so free. Yet, I know that I cannot stay there for long, I know that ultimately I need to discharge and get back to work, to my life, to all the expectations and demands that are waiting for me. Now that I am discharged, my mood still isn't stable actually. At times, I still think of ending my life, just that it isn't as strong. 

Yesterday, ZK ordered an engagement ring. I am pretty surprised actually. I didnt expect him to get one so soon. But he did, and he spent about 4k. The ring is made to order so it will take about 2 months. Suddenly everything feels so surreal. Even looking at him feels different. And whenever I think of ending my life, I think about him paying of the engagement ring. I know I cannot do it. 

Now one other big stress I have... Is my finances. I realised I don't actually have PSEA to pay for my tuition fees, the money in my CPF is for education scheme loan. So I have to fork out about 2.4k every few months before the next semester. Feel like I am forever in this situation, and it sucks. It gives me stress and anxiety. I don't know how I am going to cope with it. I guess somehow I will find a way. I know I have to work hard on my trading. Yes, I need to. 

As for Marcus, I don't really know what to feel towards you. I am still afraid of chasing you away, I am still afraid of this attachment. On one hand, I hate you for unlocking this emotional need within me, I hate you for making me have this attachment towards you, because of that my emotions go haywire. On the other hand, I am really glad to know you. I am very thankful for all your care and concern towards me. And that because of you, I know I have this emotional need within me, and my therapy can progress. I still cant handle these emotions... Can you tell me what I should do?

 wow I have not used the web version of blogger for like i dont know maybe 10 years? Have always been using the app. But today I just feel like typing on the laptop instead of using the phone. Recently I am just really off, my mood, my thoughts, myself, everything. The suicidal thoughts are there, stronger than ever. I am losing hope... Yet I am still clinging on to some hope. Why? Why can't I just give up? This life isnt worth living anyway. Been feeling very down. I have no motivation, no drive. I am starting to hate work. Maybe not work but the people at work. I always thought its fine, but recently I realised I am not happy here. My boss is just.... Someone I don't trust. I feel so suffocated here. I feel like I am always being doubted of my abilities. I feel like I am useless and worthless here. Yet you keep saying how you like to focus on people's strengths... Why are you focusing all the negative things of me? Why are you picking on anything and everything that I did/did not do? Makes me feel like you are a hypocrite. As time goes by I also start to hate it that mum is in the same room as me. Now she can come and go freely in the room, look at what I am doing etc. And question me. Dammit. There is no where that I can feel safe, I can feel peaceful or calm. There is no place where I can just be myself when I feel tired. I just hate this life. I know i should be working hard to get my trading right but I just don't have any motivation. You know how it feels like when you are always fearful of yourself? When you become scared of your own thoughts and emotions? When you start judging them? It sucks. Suddenly I wonder to myself...Am I really ready to discard this detached protector and dissociation? I won't be able to cope. I won't be able to suppress all the emotions. The desire for connection, the anger, the jealousy, everything. Deep inside, I want to connect with you, but I have to keep cutting off this desire because I don't want to end up losing you. If I never have it, I will never lose it right? 

Not too sure how long i can take this. Keep feeling upset whenever Winston talk about his own story. In fact, i dont even want to hear it anymore. Why is it that people with physical disabilities are more accepted than those with mental health challenges? Why is it that people are more empathetic towards them? Why is it that they have so many opportunities to share their stories and not us? Because people think we can just "change our mindset" while they have no choice? Inclusiveness... Why is it not extended to those with mental illness? As a SEN officer, I advocate for those with special needs. Even so, what about those with Autism and ADHD? Why are they shunned away while physically disabled people are more likely to gain acceptance? I don't really know why i feel this way, or why i am affected. Do we have a voice? 

I have been running away. I did not want to face anything. So i thought I could just live without attending to my inner issues. I am afraid. Because its too much to handle. Its as if a whole gush of water will come hitting me if I were to open the door. And i know I am unable to take it. So I am afraid. I know I will be shaken. 

Every time i see people in the limelight, I feel.... What do i feel? Its an unpleasant feeling but i cant put a word to it. I feel small, invisible, nonexistent. Sometimes it makes me want to withdraw, sometimes it makes me angry. It makes me feel like i am nobody. Where did that stem from? 

So this happened on Frida, and I better note down before I forget. Zk got offered a job by OCBC, MTI and MAS. He accepted the OCBC one. And he told me his starting pay. I am happy for him, but at the same time i was upset. I guess it triggered my failure schema. The thought that i have worked for a few years and my pay is so much lower than his starting pay. I felt lousy. I felt angry. I felt useless. A total failure. I hate myself for not earning more. And I cant go anywhere. I hate it. I feel so upset. And I suddenly feel so hopeless. Even though, that should be a happy thing to celebrate, but i cant help feeling this way.

I also noticed something weird about me. I have been watching Criminal Minds. And i realised everytime someone in the team leaves or joins, I actually feel abit upset. I don't know why. Its quite stupid. I know its just a show but when i watch,  i can feel myself being slightly affected. Although it doesnt affect me to a large extent. 

I realised i havent been adding titles in my post. Because i don't exactly know what to put. I guess my thoughts are so messy. I have many thoughts. But when its time to express them to someone (psychologist), I don't seem to remember and unable to explain. But when im alone or things happen, the thoughts comes up. So I shall blog in case i forget again. One other issue i have is the emptiness i feel inside me. And the need to spend money even though i know i shouldnt. I cant help it I dont know why. Then the thought of having all the credit loans and bills to pay makes me feel worse. I wish i remember my early experiences too. But i just cant seem to remember much. And it sucks... I wish there is some method to recover these memories. Why do my memories fade? Is it because i feel unreal? 

 Sometimes I think that maybe I don't need therapy. But when those thoughts and emotions start again, I realize I do. Then again, does therapy really help? I don't know. Because my issues seem to change all the time. Or maybe, all the pain are there to stay throughout my life. Constantly getting triggered. I feel so tired. So tired of doing so much, of being nothing. I wish you aborted me back then. Yes, my detached protector helped me cope, protected me, helped me be functional. So no one knows. No one knows what is bubbling and boiling inside me, what is scalding my heart. I hate it when I get affected by something and don't know why I feel that way. I take time to figure it out. But so what if I figured it out? It answers my question of why, but it does not make my pain and emotions go away. I always wondered why I get affected when he gets the praise, the recognition and everything. I thought, its because I am annoyed by his boasting. But I realized its more than that. It reminded me of myself being invisible, that everything I do is invisible, that no matter how hard I try and how much I do, no one will notice. It reminds me of how insignificant I am. This is something I can't tell anyone, I can only keep it to myself. As always. Sometimes I wonder, if I feel that everything is unreal, then why do I still feel down and pain? If I feel that everything is just a dream, why does it hurt so much? Why doesn't it take away all the emotions? I need a break. A break from the world. I need peace and quiet. I need a place where I don't have to face anyone or anything. A safe place. Unfortunately, that safe place only exists in the mind. And its not a place I can go to whenever I want to. 

I don't know why but I feel so angry. I hate you. I hate people who live an easy life. People who gets things that i work hard for so easily. Im so evil, i hate people who are in bliss. But i don't even know why I'm like this. And i hate myself. I just hate everything. Everyone. It hurts. How I wish I can be the one who contract the virus and die. I'll gladly exchange my life for those who wants to live. If there's a death god, please take me away. 

I want to die so badly. Cant help but keep crying whenever I'm not occupied. It hurts so badly. Why is everywhere a trigger for me now? Work, home, aerial, you. Everything triggers my pain, my tears. So many things going on in my mind. 

Why am i born into this world? Why am I just a burden and nuisance to you all? Why do you always have to make me feel guilty for everything I do or not do? Why is my existence not enough for you? Why is it that everything i do for you dont seem to count? Why do you have to make feel so useless for not being able to give you lavish life? I dont even know whether you love me or not. I hate this place. I hate hearing your voice, your complaints. I hate both of you talking to me. I hate listening and not even being heard. I never talked. Because you all never cared.

And I'm just this lousy person that no matter how hard i try I will never do well. I will never be confident. Im just not good at anything. I am fat, ugly and suck at fashion. I am not as smart as him, not as slim and fashionable as her. 

I know I'm not important to anyone, it doesnt matter whether i exist. This thought never fail to bring tears to my eyes. I have nothing, and will leave with nothing. I am disposable, unwanted. 

I wish I have the courage to leave. 

My past entries in this blog- although I definitely can still relate, and know they are what I have gone through and is still going through now, sometimes it feels like another person talking to me. Maybe because these posts are from many years ago. I was just a teenager. But I was in deep pain. I tried all means to avoid, to escape, to block the pain. I couldnt handle the emotions. I couldnt understand what is going on and what is wrong with me. I had no one. I was alone. And I was just a teenager. 

I'm in this state where... I blocked off all emotions. And connection. I hide myself behind a mask I put up. I smile, I laugh, I go crazy, I seem positive and all seems good. Maybe it is good. The fact that I dont really have much emotions. And I dont really care. I realised I gave up trying to make my point across about our interactions and connections. Because the same thing keeps repeating. You try, and you stop. And I bring it up. Then you try again, and you stop again. This time is worse. Its not even at the end of the day. Its once every few days. That's why I cant trust, I cant trust anyone at all. Because I have no control over others, why should I subject myself to disappointments? But this also means... Nothing is important to me anymore. I'm going to do what I want, alone. Becoming that super independent and free girl. I chose to block my mind and emotions, I guess thats why emotional deprivation is one of my schemas? But this also means that I cant be affectionate with you anymore. In fact I lost the desire to even want to meet you. Its as if you are gone in my life. That's the thing about some BPDs; when a person is away from our sight, they become unreal. A character we are not sure if they exist.  

There's always this feeling. This uncomfortable feeling. Its a painful feeling, one that I hate. Its as if something inside me is gnawing, chewing up my heart, my soul, slowing eating me inside. I desperately want to call for help, for someone to take away this horrible feeling. But I always decide not to. Because I know no one understands, and no one can take away the pain. And then I feel like engaging in self harm, as a means of coping with the hope that I will feel better. I want to die badly, want to take a knife and pierce through my heart. If only I can.

Guilt. Hatred. Annoyance. Frustration. That's what I face everyday in my life. And I cant escape. 

Somehow I'm starting to write this blog again. Maybe because I realise how interesting it is when I look back at my previous posts from years ago. And many years into the future, how will I be feeling when i read this post? Or... Do I even have a "many years into the future"? Who knows. But this blog really reminds me of how even after many years, my thoughts and emotions are the same. Even now, I realise once again that the only way for everything to go on normally, is to hide away all my emotions,  to close myself up, to appear fine. And that means, to be alone. Although honestly, I really hate that. I hate the feeling of being alone, of faking smiles and pretending I'm all good. Because deep inside me, I'm crying, I'm bleeding, I'm crashing. I have no one. That's my life. That's how my life have always been, and will always be. I've always felt like I dont belong here. Where do i belong then? I'm a stranger, to this world and to myself. Sometimes I don't even know if I actually exist. What if we all dont exist? What makes us certain that we exist? Is it what we leave behind? The impact we made to this world? The traces that prove we were once in this planet Earth? And someday our skeletons become fossils to be studied by the future habitants. Okay I am getting too far fetched. 

As I read all my previous posts, I suddenly realised how fast time passes. So I have been struggling for 13 years. And all my posts sounded the same. I just keep repeating those words in the posts. I guess even after so long, nothing changed. And I'm probably going to continue repeating them. Have nothing changed? I grew up, I studied, I graduated, i started working. But why do all these thoughts and emotions stay the same? Am i going to continue suffering for the rest of my life? Well, one thing is... I know what my actual diagnosis is. It makes a difference. But at the same time, it doesn't. It doesnt take away my pain and suffering. Although it helped me understand myself better. Even so, I still don't really understand myself. Each time I experience negative emotions and thoughts, i have to think and anaylse so hard for the reasons. Maybe it doesnt matter whether i know the reasons or not. But i guess.... The problem with being aware and conscious that something is wrong makes me want to know what it is, and why. And I find myself always having to explain so hard to others. Because no one understands. I probably should count the number of times i stated "no one understands" in this blog. I am a high functioning BPD. I studied and graduated from University. I have a stable job. Because of that, everyone thinks all is well. And humans being humans, tend to judge others. Just because I seem "normal" on the surface doesnt mean I am struggling lesser than the others. I realised that sometimes having a label might actually be a relief. When others look at a person with mental illness that appears obvious, their expectations lowers and they might actually be more understanding towards them. On the other hand, a high functioning person struggling with mental illness might look so normal that others place the same societal expectations on them and end up judging them for their shortfalls. Its tiring. Of course I'm not saying who is better off, because ultimately, we are all strugglling badly in our own circumstances. And it feels terrible. 

I wonder, why am I still alive? Is it because I am afraid of the process of commiting suicide? All of a sudden I just feel like withdrawing myself. My tolerance and capacity have dropped drastically. I'm no longer who I was. 

Disappointed

I'm hurt, disappointed, upset, whatever negative emotions. Because I know that this will cause a big problem to our friendship. Our most valued and treasured friendship. You said you were taught to be compassionate, but all these while you didn't even think or consider about my feelings. You didn't even notice that I stopped telling you stuffs. You were too happy on your own. And even when I said I will make the effort to understand more, you just said you can share with me. But have you ever even thought of wanting to understand me? I realised I noticed you didn't. While you were happy, you didn't even notice I was crying inside over our friendship. I did everything I could for your happiness. And yes I've done my part. I have no regrets.

this agony have never left me.
for years its been the same
YEARS
tired
sick of it
emo
when will i get out of all these?
will i even get out of this?
when hope is gone,
i will vanish too.
what is making me hold on for so long?
i am scared
really scared
scared of people, society
and worse
scared of myself.
suddenly, i dunno who i am
or maybe i have never known.
my world,
no one will understand
dont tell me that you will be there.
because you wont be able to stay with me till the end
i know,
someday you will leave too.
even if you are there,
you wont understand.
and this makes me feel worse.
i need help.
i really need help.
but who can save me?
break down.
fall apart.
pain..

i tried.
i really did.
but only ended up with silent tears behind..
always,
left alone.
in the silent night.
with only the stars for companion.
its okay,
i always tell myself
i can be strong by myself
i dont need anyone.
but my heart knows better..
no one will know..

realised
i shouldnt rely on anyone at all
shouldnt have hoped or dreamt that anyone will be there.
i really have split personality i guess
but actually,
the truth is
i am not that strong at all.
but forced to be strong.
and now
i have no one to confide in.
once again,
i am left alone.
can anyone understand?
the real me.

tired....
why do i feel so tired suddenly.
why do i feel so emo suddenly.
why do my tears fall so quickly.
all i hope for is ppl to support me.
because this is my only hope
is it too difficult?
why do i feel as if i am begging everyone to support me?
i know i cannot give up.
giving up means to die in a saddest way.
but i realised,
i am still alone
alone to cry
alone to face everything.
i am still so weak.
i still need alot of strength.
how can i move on like that.
the urge to escape is so strong.
WHY !!!!!

really no one can understand how i feel?
no one can save me from this agony?
no one can take away my pain?
it hurts so much...
to think of you,
to miss you so much.
its stupid, its silly.
i dont want to be like this actually.
i need to make this decision.
the decision whether to continue
or to stop loving you.

have been really stressed recently
due to the amount of work to do.
studies, HSSSC, soka...
if it wasnt for soka, i would have given up,
really...
now learning to relax and reduce stress
but i am getting slack =X

i still feel alone at times
but its better
really fortunate to have si yi
its such a wonderful destiny to have her
i must have really good fortune to met someone like her.
and also my other TPSD-ians who cared for me,
gave my encouragements.
well well, here i go again.
hahaha

gave up trying to tell ppl abt how i feel.
gave up hoping anyone will know how i feel.
but, i can overcome all these.
just, i really miss you.
no idea how to let go...
cant bear to let go either..
where are you?
what are you doing now?
are you doing fine?
really hope that you are doing well.
maybe you can move on better without me...
do you still think of me?
still miss me?
sigh...