There's always this feeling. This uncomfortable feeling. Its a painful feeling, one that I hate. Its as if something inside me is gnawing, chewing up my heart, my soul, slowing eating me inside. I desperately want to call for help, for someone to take away this horrible feeling. But I always decide not to. Because I know no one understands, and no one can take away the pain. And then I feel like engaging in self harm, as a means of coping with the hope that I will feel better. I want to die badly, want to take a knife and pierce through my heart. If only I can.

Guilt. Hatred. Annoyance. Frustration. That's what I face everyday in my life. And I cant escape. 

Somehow I'm starting to write this blog again. Maybe because I realise how interesting it is when I look back at my previous posts from years ago. And many years into the future, how will I be feeling when i read this post? Or... Do I even have a "many years into the future"? Who knows. But this blog really reminds me of how even after many years, my thoughts and emotions are the same. Even now, I realise once again that the only way for everything to go on normally, is to hide away all my emotions,  to close myself up, to appear fine. And that means, to be alone. Although honestly, I really hate that. I hate the feeling of being alone, of faking smiles and pretending I'm all good. Because deep inside me, I'm crying, I'm bleeding, I'm crashing. I have no one. That's my life. That's how my life have always been, and will always be. I've always felt like I dont belong here. Where do i belong then? I'm a stranger, to this world and to myself. Sometimes I don't even know if I actually exist. What if we all dont exist? What makes us certain that we exist? Is it what we leave behind? The impact we made to this world? The traces that prove we were once in this planet Earth? And someday our skeletons become fossils to be studied by the future habitants. Okay I am getting too far fetched. 

As I read all my previous posts, I suddenly realised how fast time passes. So I have been struggling for 13 years. And all my posts sounded the same. I just keep repeating those words in the posts. I guess even after so long, nothing changed. And I'm probably going to continue repeating them. Have nothing changed? I grew up, I studied, I graduated, i started working. But why do all these thoughts and emotions stay the same? Am i going to continue suffering for the rest of my life? Well, one thing is... I know what my actual diagnosis is. It makes a difference. But at the same time, it doesn't. It doesnt take away my pain and suffering. Although it helped me understand myself better. Even so, I still don't really understand myself. Each time I experience negative emotions and thoughts, i have to think and anaylse so hard for the reasons. Maybe it doesnt matter whether i know the reasons or not. But i guess.... The problem with being aware and conscious that something is wrong makes me want to know what it is, and why. And I find myself always having to explain so hard to others. Because no one understands. I probably should count the number of times i stated "no one understands" in this blog. I am a high functioning BPD. I studied and graduated from University. I have a stable job. Because of that, everyone thinks all is well. And humans being humans, tend to judge others. Just because I seem "normal" on the surface doesnt mean I am struggling lesser than the others. I realised that sometimes having a label might actually be a relief. When others look at a person with mental illness that appears obvious, their expectations lowers and they might actually be more understanding towards them. On the other hand, a high functioning person struggling with mental illness might look so normal that others place the same societal expectations on them and end up judging them for their shortfalls. Its tiring. Of course I'm not saying who is better off, because ultimately, we are all strugglling badly in our own circumstances. And it feels terrible. 

I wonder, why am I still alive? Is it because I am afraid of the process of commiting suicide? All of a sudden I just feel like withdrawing myself. My tolerance and capacity have dropped drastically. I'm no longer who I was. 

Disappointed

I'm hurt, disappointed, upset, whatever negative emotions. Because I know that this will cause a big problem to our friendship. Our most valued and treasured friendship. You said you were taught to be compassionate, but all these while you didn't even think or consider about my feelings. You didn't even notice that I stopped telling you stuffs. You were too happy on your own. And even when I said I will make the effort to understand more, you just said you can share with me. But have you ever even thought of wanting to understand me? I realised I noticed you didn't. While you were happy, you didn't even notice I was crying inside over our friendship. I did everything I could for your happiness. And yes I've done my part. I have no regrets.

this agony have never left me.
for years its been the same
YEARS
tired
sick of it
emo
when will i get out of all these?
will i even get out of this?
when hope is gone,
i will vanish too.
what is making me hold on for so long?
i am scared
really scared
scared of people, society
and worse
scared of myself.
suddenly, i dunno who i am
or maybe i have never known.
my world,
no one will understand
dont tell me that you will be there.
because you wont be able to stay with me till the end
i know,
someday you will leave too.
even if you are there,
you wont understand.
and this makes me feel worse.
i need help.
i really need help.
but who can save me?
break down.
fall apart.
pain..

i tried.
i really did.
but only ended up with silent tears behind..
always,
left alone.
in the silent night.
with only the stars for companion.
its okay,
i always tell myself
i can be strong by myself
i dont need anyone.
but my heart knows better..
no one will know..

realised
i shouldnt rely on anyone at all
shouldnt have hoped or dreamt that anyone will be there.
i really have split personality i guess
but actually,
the truth is
i am not that strong at all.
but forced to be strong.
and now
i have no one to confide in.
once again,
i am left alone.
can anyone understand?
the real me.

tired....
why do i feel so tired suddenly.
why do i feel so emo suddenly.
why do my tears fall so quickly.
all i hope for is ppl to support me.
because this is my only hope
is it too difficult?
why do i feel as if i am begging everyone to support me?
i know i cannot give up.
giving up means to die in a saddest way.
but i realised,
i am still alone
alone to cry
alone to face everything.
i am still so weak.
i still need alot of strength.
how can i move on like that.
the urge to escape is so strong.
WHY !!!!!

really no one can understand how i feel?
no one can save me from this agony?
no one can take away my pain?
it hurts so much...
to think of you,
to miss you so much.
its stupid, its silly.
i dont want to be like this actually.
i need to make this decision.
the decision whether to continue
or to stop loving you.

have been really stressed recently
due to the amount of work to do.
studies, HSSSC, soka...
if it wasnt for soka, i would have given up,
really...
now learning to relax and reduce stress
but i am getting slack =X

i still feel alone at times
but its better
really fortunate to have si yi
its such a wonderful destiny to have her
i must have really good fortune to met someone like her.
and also my other TPSD-ians who cared for me,
gave my encouragements.
well well, here i go again.
hahaha

gave up trying to tell ppl abt how i feel.
gave up hoping anyone will know how i feel.
but, i can overcome all these.
just, i really miss you.
no idea how to let go...
cant bear to let go either..
where are you?
what are you doing now?
are you doing fine?
really hope that you are doing well.
maybe you can move on better without me...
do you still think of me?
still miss me?
sigh...

huh. dunno whats wrong with me again
so super emo-ish and frustrated.
screwed my first psych test after being stressed so much
ah well, its over.
gosh
have you ever thought of it
why is it that you are always right
and others are always wrong
what right do you have to blame me that i'm drifting away.
maybe i am
but as a fren,
cant you just understand what i am going through?
everything that i am going through is so unimportant to you.
you just care about yourself isnt it?
i have been under alot of stress
almost going to fall and cannot take it le
and there you are,
making me feel worse
cant you just say some encouraging words?
does that KILL you?
instead, you saying i drift away
i put more effort and attention on soka and HSS.
ITS MY PASSION
CANT YOU SUPPORT ME JUST ONCE?
why?
can you really consider yourself as a good fren?
you dont deserve this title at all actually.
i'm seriously tired
and disappointed
no one understands.
i'm sick of it
hurts...
as usual.
i dont want to be back like before
the past haunts me.
go away.
please...
let me live my life happily...
can i?

TiReD...

i have no idea why..
i suddenly feel so tired
tired of everything..
why is my life so tiring?
am i moving in the right direction?
day after day,
i moved on...
not giving myself excuses to stop.
whats the reason?
i dont allow myself to look back,
didnt want myself to be like before.
but can i rest?
i dunno...
about you,
i feel really confused.
what am i supposed to think?
what am i supposed to do?
maybe i really shouldnt have started it.
shouldnt have accepted..
why is the fear suddenly creeping into me again?
please, i really need the energy and strength to continue.
i am tired...
i really am.

GiVinG uP

i really give up in you ppl
maybe its the problem with me
but i feel seriously tired
why are you ppl asking me,
wanting me to tell you guys my stuffs and problems
yet no one seem to bother after that?
i'm not hoping that you ppl can solve the problem for me
or do anything big
i juz hoped for some words of encouragement.
when i'm so tired,
you ppl are talking to me and telling me
your own stuffs and everything.
how am i supposed to react?
what the hell is wrong with everything?
since you all dont want to care,
then why bother keep asking me for it?
why make a fuss over me not saying anything?
seriously, i really dont understand
then whats the point of i saying it?
juz so you all know for no reason?
it really feels that no one understands me
even till now
though i have changed alot,
some things juz still remain
stuffs like me feeling i am alone to face everything...
thanks angie, koonhiang and karkoon
for the encouragements you gave me.
juz that, and i feel really touched.
i am still human afterall...
i will still feel tired,
lost,
upset,
weak...
dont want to return to what i am in the past.
yet the present happenings seem to be pulling me down.
they are really huge challenges and obstacles..
will i succeed in the end?

sigh...life

alright...
recently yeah,
many things happened
was seriously confused..
i know i cant forget YOU
though its VERY VERY irritating
i hate it..
but i miss the days with you
though you never cared.
cause it doesnt mean anything to you
i'm nothing to you.
i only hoped to be good frens.
is that too much to hope for?
but...
since you're happy,
i shall be contented.
may happiness follow you=)
it hurts me to think of you.
but its time for me to forget and move on.
i promised myself,
after this, i will not like anyone anymore
i dun want to.
its tiring..

told myself:
after i graduate,
i shall start anew.
fresh
a new life
without ppl i dun like
without ppl who hurts me
without many many...
wounds might heal one day,
but scars remain
and the scars might become wounds again.
i had to,
appear as if i'm alright,
even though my heart is crying
doesnt matter already...
cause i'm used to it..

these days somehow i'm glad to have o levels
to distract me from whatever that is happening/happened
no one knows and understands me
i realised that long ago
why?
i dont really know.
ppl that i treasure and love
i am nothing much to them
are humans that strange?
we search for things that are so far away
but we juz cant see those that are right in front of us
the scars have been left behind
something i cant forget
and i'm not sure if i can get over it
scared....
i'm really scared..
helpless cause there's nothing i can do

can there not be life?
can i juz dont face anyone?
i want peace.
i dont want to bother much
i'm tired....
exhausted...
worn out...
no one to save me...as usual
i'm reaching out into thin air
or vacuum?
i dont seem to understand anymore.
yeah..this world.
too freaky
too scary
too tiring to try and comprehend

Gor, i've never forgotten you
cause you're important to me too.
guess you never realised or known that.
huiying jie...you too
karkoon, knowing you is something very amazing
we wouldnt have known each other at all
yet we met.
became good frens
but we're rather different in characters
and maybe i'm wrong but i've always felt that
you treat me differently from others.
i dont know why.
anywayz, thanks for all the encouragement
and being with me all these while.

love and hatred are separated by a slight margin
be careful not to step into the wrong one
i have stepped into it
life full of hatred.
full of unhappiness
i lost myself.
and now its so difficult to find back
juz plainly living each day off anyhow
thats not what i want it to be
but somehow,
thats the only thing i can do

its already a good achievement
for me to hide my unhappiness
and appear to be happy
really...it really isnt easy..

i stopped trusting
stopped relying on anyone
cause i didnt want to
and couldnt
things that have happened.
i dont want it to repeat.
i dont want to think about it
thats the only way to escape..
forgive me...
i'm sorry..
gomenasai...

I'M SO TIRED

sometimes i really wonder
why is it that everyone's life seem so fine?
i know, they have faced problems as well
but why do my world and life look especially dark?
i asked heaven:
is this a test to make me stronger?
i dont know what life comprise of
i only know what kind of life i want to create
but no
it isnt that simple
i cant do it
i need rest
i need a break
i need to recover
no one needs me
i'm a forgotten person
a neglected person
juz like an unwanted piece of paper
abandoned into this world of nothing.
i want to leave
please...
no matter how much i look optimistic
no matter how much i laugh and smile
i cannot get out of this darkness
i'm starting to think:
this isnt part of growing up
its something that i myself is facing
i'm not needed anywhere.
i feel no importance
but i promise,
i will smile when i leave...

LeaVe Me

right, so you are the same as the others
leave
and disappear from my life
this is what everyone like to do isnt it?
if so, why bothering abt me?
who will know, how much it hurts
when i have to face it everytime
i have to force myself to forget all the pain
so that i can move on
forced myself too much,
until now what i have become of
who suffers?
me myself
no one else will
dun bother abt me
my tears will juz flow like no one's business
it juz hurts so much
now another one
i juz want to rest
i juz want someone there for me
someone who will never leave me
but why....
everytime i cry,
it juz hurts more
its like a knife stabbing my wound
my heart is really bleeding profusely
i'm seriously tired
how hard i have tried to forget all these
so that i can force myself to move on
and fake a smile or laughter
until now,
my mind is so screwed
that i dun understand
that i dunno what am i thinking
that i dunno what is happening anymore
i dun want to face anyone
i juz want to leave
it is the only solution to all my pain
because i'm hopeless
i cant walk out of all these anymore
i dun want to face it either
it juz hurts.

aLoNe

yeah~
i'm here again.
i'm strange,
i can cry and cry,
and after wiping my tears,
i'm going around imagining again
yeah, thats what happened these days
why?
because i'm not me
who's me?
no idea.
haha
as usual i guess
this time,
i want to be like before
to block off all my emotions
in front of others
it hurts, and its really tough
i know
i really want to rely on someone
yet i refused to
i'm scared
afraid
and no one will understand
yeah, thats it
same old stuffs?
whatever
i dun really remember anywayz
i only know,
there will always only be myself
no one will be there for me
i know it
and i shall believe that
i'm tired.
i'm going to break down
but i have to continue
i have to act like i'm so happy
i muz act strong
like before
sometimes i rather not be here
i dun want to face anyone
cause its really tiring
the only way to allow myself to act happy
is to escape from all the pain
and sorrows
kinda pathetic
everytime i cry,
i have to tell myself that its because i'm tired
i'll be alright after resting
resting,
do i have the chance to?
no, i dont
truthfully, i'm really very scared
and tired
who can save me
no one can
really....

i need an answer

i really dont know how to be happy
who doesnt want to be happy?
who doesnt want to be healthy and cheerful?
i was once such a healthy and cheerful person
what am i now?
who am i?
i really need an answer...
because i seriously dont know how to continue on
how to walk on
crying has become a large part of my life
crying everyday...
i'm tired...
i juz want to leave..
i dun even want to walk finish this part
i have only myself, till now..
only myself to tell me to jia you
only myself to tell myself that everything will be alright
telling myself i will understand one day
telling myself everything will be over
telling myself i will get better one day
how many years have passed,
doing all these?
tears made my eyes weary
i smile while i sob inside
i laugh while cry inside
i go crazy when i'm actually super tired.
nobody knows, i've never felt happy before
not even a single moment
and maybe, i will never feel happy
it is a world no one can see
a place no one can get into
a feeling no one can understand
and juz blame it on me
but let me leave....

RIP

hey man!
long time never update this blog.
doesnt matter..no one reads anywayz.
hahaz.
maybe i should say, updating in this blog isnt a good thing?
but not entirely though.
sigh
anywayz, it've been months since i last blogged here
reason? too busy
i kinda forgot that i have this blog..
some things do change.
in fact, many things change
but there are things that dont change
which is my unhappiness
yes, this is it
why? i have no idea
each step, each minute that passed
i'm juz so tired.
even now
looking back, i juz realised how much i have been through
alone
no matter how much i feel like relying on someone,
i would choose not to
i dun want to experience disappointment anymore
i dun want to lose ppl i treasure anymore
i rather choose not to believe.
honto gomenasai..
i've always been rather emo,
until no one sees it as something important already
they think that it's ok
i'll get better
so no one bothers already
good thing also...
like that no one will know that i'm still in pain.
i'm still sad
i still despair.
i'm still crying somewhere, alone.
but i'm really tired.
tired of trying so hard.
tired of faking smiles
tired of trying hard not to cry...
there will never be someone there for me
they juz leave one day
they juz disappear
i really want to leave...
i want to rest in peace.
who will understand,
someone who doesnt remember her past,
someone who cant feel the present
and someone who dun see any future
my life? every second is a waste of time
i seriously dunno how long i can stand
how much more i can walk on
no one wants to help me
they simply stretch out their hands,
and withdrew them even before i tried to reach for it
nth is important anymore
i'm juz living off my life with nothing
its empty
dun have to pity me.
cause even i myself dun pity myself
it doesnt matter...
i have only myself anywayz
the tears that i've shed.
and it will continue to drop.
until one day when the water runs out,
i'll die of dehydration.
and let me rest in peace...
this is something i will never be able to get over
it is destined to follow me.
i juz have to accept it isnt it?
i'm tired...
i thank those who tried to stretch out their hands
arigato gozaimasu!
juz one sentence to myself: i can do it
yeah, thats it..
wish me all the best...

A Sad World.

this blog is like, my unhappy world?
then what about the other blog?
happy world?
which is the real me, sometimes i really wonder
i have many sides
happy, unhappy, optimistic, pessimistic
laughable, crying, jokey, attitude
smiling, dao.....so on and so forth~~
now i suddenly think,
blogs are meant to make the distance be shorter isnt it?
why do i feel that it only makes ppl further?
or is it only my thinking?
maybe, i over estimated myself
maybe, i believed in you too much
maybe, i am wrong always...
but i'm tired
so i want to let go
maybe, we shouldnt have known each other
i feel so deadly tired
hatred...it once filled my heart
until one day, i realise i'm stupid
not worth hating others
not worth minding so much
cause they dun give a damn at all
why?
no idea
i hate it...
truthfully, i'm really glad to see ppl being happy
they understand some things, they are contented
they dun despair
but i dun deny, i feel sad
sad that others are moving on
leaving me alone again
cause i juz cant move on
stuck?
its so saddening...
sigh
what to do?
the tears i've shed
the pain i suffered
can they get drowned by sorrows?
the bad memories that stay within my heart
the good and happy memories that is haunting me now
it hurts, to have to accept the fact that i'm crying ALONE
all these years...
i dun want to say sorry anymore
i dun want to bother anymore
i dun want to care anymore
i dun want to see you anymore
i dun want to believe anymore
can i?
please? i beg you...
i want to be free...really
i want to leave...let me go..
my world..feels like walking into a haunted house
haunted by memories
haunted by tears
haunted by the pain i suffered
i dun want to know anymore
i juz want to rest...
to forget everything...
to erase my memories...
and say goodbye to all..

I ThoughT..

i thought i knew
i thought i could do it
i thought i can overcome it
i thought i could forget
i thought i can make myself feel better
i thought i could stop crying
i thought....
in the end?
no
i cant...
its still the same
whats more,
i've always been alone
i'm so tired
who can save me?
whats the point?
this life is too unbearable
no matter what dreams i have,
no matter what thoughts i have
for the future,
they wont work
cause i cant continue anymore..
i'm so tired....
why force me to feel better?
you all dont know,
i really cant do it
i tried so hard
in the end i lost myself
who understands?
no one...
i'm alone
i have no one
i asked heaven: who am i?
no one answers
leaving me behind to cry
cry my heart out and no one knows..