I don't know why but I just can't do this. I am avoiding. I am avoiding any contact with him. Is it because of him? I kept thinking and wondering... But i really don't think so. Even if he never appeared, things would have become like this as well... I am starting to question if I can even go on like this. I start to wonder... Do I love him? Do I love the other him? And I realised...the answer is no. I don't,  for both of them. So what am i doing now? What should i do now? 

 Some things will never leave me, and they will haunt me for the rest of my life. Some scars will never fade, and it will always remind me of the past. While some things will never stay, the ones that I wish it would.

Each day I open my eyes, wondering if today will be different. But each day, I am still on the same page, hoping the next chapter will be better.

Every night I close my eyes, hoping that the next moment I open them, I will see the light. But the light is blinding, so I returned to darkness.

Thank you for coming into my life. For loving me, caring for me, respecting me. This is something I never experienced before. I have been so used to pain and darkness that I don't know how it feels to be free. I always believed I belong to darkness. Never thought I can smile, I can laugh whole-heartedly. Never thought someone can love me, or anyone will treasure me so much. I am happy with you, I feel light, I dont have to be mature, I don't have to carry everything on me, I can rely on you. Its new to me, someone loving me without any expectations from me. To be honest, that doesnt mean I do not have fear or sadness, it doesnt mean I can walk out of the dark. You said I am healing bit by bit... The truth is... I am only when im with you. Without you around, I am and will always be back to who I have been. And deep in my heart, I know you will not stay in my life... I have accepted my fate, and that there is no one for me to rely on. But thank you, for loving me, doting on me, making me feel I am important and I mean something to someone. At least for once in my life, I get to experience this, and that is good enough for me. Thank you...