Not too sure how long i can take this. Keep feeling upset whenever Winston talk about his own story. In fact, i dont even want to hear it anymore. Why is it that people with physical disabilities are more accepted than those with mental health challenges? Why is it that people are more empathetic towards them? Why is it that they have so many opportunities to share their stories and not us? Because people think we can just "change our mindset" while they have no choice? Inclusiveness... Why is it not extended to those with mental illness? As a SEN officer, I advocate for those with special needs. Even so, what about those with Autism and ADHD? Why are they shunned away while physically disabled people are more likely to gain acceptance? I don't really know why i feel this way, or why i am affected. Do we have a voice? 

I have been running away. I did not want to face anything. So i thought I could just live without attending to my inner issues. I am afraid. Because its too much to handle. Its as if a whole gush of water will come hitting me if I were to open the door. And i know I am unable to take it. So I am afraid. I know I will be shaken. 

Every time i see people in the limelight, I feel.... What do i feel? Its an unpleasant feeling but i cant put a word to it. I feel small, invisible, nonexistent. Sometimes it makes me want to withdraw, sometimes it makes me angry. It makes me feel like i am nobody. Where did that stem from? 

So this happened on Frida, and I better note down before I forget. Zk got offered a job by OCBC, MTI and MAS. He accepted the OCBC one. And he told me his starting pay. I am happy for him, but at the same time i was upset. I guess it triggered my failure schema. The thought that i have worked for a few years and my pay is so much lower than his starting pay. I felt lousy. I felt angry. I felt useless. A total failure. I hate myself for not earning more. And I cant go anywhere. I hate it. I feel so upset. And I suddenly feel so hopeless. Even though, that should be a happy thing to celebrate, but i cant help feeling this way.

I also noticed something weird about me. I have been watching Criminal Minds. And i realised everytime someone in the team leaves or joins, I actually feel abit upset. I don't know why. Its quite stupid. I know its just a show but when i watch,  i can feel myself being slightly affected. Although it doesnt affect me to a large extent. 

I realised i havent been adding titles in my post. Because i don't exactly know what to put. I guess my thoughts are so messy. I have many thoughts. But when its time to express them to someone (psychologist), I don't seem to remember and unable to explain. But when im alone or things happen, the thoughts comes up. So I shall blog in case i forget again. One other issue i have is the emptiness i feel inside me. And the need to spend money even though i know i shouldnt. I cant help it I dont know why. Then the thought of having all the credit loans and bills to pay makes me feel worse. I wish i remember my early experiences too. But i just cant seem to remember much. And it sucks... I wish there is some method to recover these memories. Why do my memories fade? Is it because i feel unreal? 

 Sometimes I think that maybe I don't need therapy. But when those thoughts and emotions start again, I realize I do. Then again, does therapy really help? I don't know. Because my issues seem to change all the time. Or maybe, all the pain are there to stay throughout my life. Constantly getting triggered. I feel so tired. So tired of doing so much, of being nothing. I wish you aborted me back then. Yes, my detached protector helped me cope, protected me, helped me be functional. So no one knows. No one knows what is bubbling and boiling inside me, what is scalding my heart. I hate it when I get affected by something and don't know why I feel that way. I take time to figure it out. But so what if I figured it out? It answers my question of why, but it does not make my pain and emotions go away. I always wondered why I get affected when he gets the praise, the recognition and everything. I thought, its because I am annoyed by his boasting. But I realized its more than that. It reminded me of myself being invisible, that everything I do is invisible, that no matter how hard I try and how much I do, no one will notice. It reminds me of how insignificant I am. This is something I can't tell anyone, I can only keep it to myself. As always. Sometimes I wonder, if I feel that everything is unreal, then why do I still feel down and pain? If I feel that everything is just a dream, why does it hurt so much? Why doesn't it take away all the emotions? I need a break. A break from the world. I need peace and quiet. I need a place where I don't have to face anyone or anything. A safe place. Unfortunately, that safe place only exists in the mind. And its not a place I can go to whenever I want to.