Sometimes I really don't understand myself. Or more like, I always don't understand myself. What's wrong with me? Everything is wrong. Dissociation, feelings of unfamiliarity, memory gaps, constant fatigue. Irrational feelings of jealously for no reason. Does it even make sense? Not wanting him to sit next to someone who is married to his friend, someone I know he isn't interested in. But I can't help but still feel uncomfortable. Am I being possessive? I don't know. And when I came to know that his ex also does stupid stuffs with him like how we do, it affected my mood. My mood dropped. Thoughts of stopping myself doing the stupid stuffs with him. Felt like I'm not special, because there was someone who did those with him before. Then I suddenly feel like becoming back to the serious and cold person. To stop being the spontaneous girl who does weird stuffs. And urge to cut myself again. To distant myself. To want to make sure I'm attractive to others. Doesn't make sense right? I know it's his past, and I know he has moved on and totally not thinking of her anymore. And how much he focuses his attention on me. Rationally I know, but sometimes emotions are just hard to control. But because I know it's irrational and ridiculous, I can't and won't say. I fight these thoughts, I suppress all these emotions. Awareness, having awareness may help in preventing myself from lashing out, but it kills me inside. I guess that's what it means by quiet Borderline. We have to deal with them internally. Even if it's suffocating. 

I hate myself. I hate myself so much. But I hate everyone too. I hate this world too. I realised I can never make sense of anything, anyone, and myself. You changed, your texts, frequency, replies etc. You are no longer "present", but yet you said you didnt change. So I thought, the problem lies in me. I'm being oversensitive again, I'm reading cues wrongly again. Its my fault again. Its me again. 

But really, is it true? Why will I sense it if it isnt? I'm so tired. Tired of living. Tired of trying so hard to rationalize all the time, to fight the battles within myself. Trying to keep within myself. It hurts so much. I thought, I shouldnt be like this, I shouldnt be like that. I kept trying, trying to find ways to stop myself from doing or saying stupid things that will just ruin my relationships. But because of that, I put the blame on myself, i tell myself, "its your crazy sensitivity acting up again". Why is it that whatever i do seem to be wrong? I cannot understand, i dont know whats right. I'm so tired. I really feel like... leaving. I don't want to think anymore, I dont want to feel anymore, I don't want to face anything anymore... Is that why I can never walk out of this dereal state? Because deep down, i still wish everything is just a dream. All the pain, all the suffering, all the hurt, all the hatred...

I want to trust, I want to believe, I want to feel secure. But each time i do so, I get hurt.

"I am different", he said. 

"I am not like those who hurt you", he said.

"Trust me", he said. 

"I will prove it to you", he said. 

But what he proved, was that I should never have opened my heart. 

Yesterday I went to the beach - ECP. I like to go there. Especially when I'm feeling low. The waves are calming. I walked and walked. And sat down on the sand near the waves. Listening to the waves, feeling the breeze, the sand at the touch of my hands. At that moment, it felt good. I felt free. Free from whatever I need to face. Free from my life. My trapped life. My tiring life. My liveless life. My life... Unreal, feeling like I'm not alive. I hate that feeling. I just want to feel alive, even if it's just for one moment... Sitting there, I felt so light, as if something is lifted off, as if my shackles were broken off. I could finally breathe. Maybe that used to be me. With dreams, with positivity, with smiles. As time went by, all the problems, pressure, emotions and feelings start to pile on me. Pushing me down, making me feel so fatigued. I started to dissociate, I am escaping from something. I suddenly realised that, there are three parts of me. The carefree and positive one, the strong yet detached one and the weak and vulnerable one. I should give them names. But I can't think of any for now. So I shall call them 1, 2 and 3. As I sat at the beach, 2 heard 1 said, "辛苦你了." 是啊，累了却一直支撑着。站在那里，无论风吹雨打都保护着 3.

我不想离开海边，因为离开了就必须回到我的生活，那个疲惫无力的自己。但是我没有办法，没有选择。所以我只能将1 和 3 再次埋起来。

 So its one week since Ben and I got together. I don't know why but I seem to be quieter today, I guess I still feel depressed. Why do I feel depressed? I don't know. But I realised that I am always concerned about how others feel, and I try my best to make them feel good. Even when it means I don't get the emotional support I need. Maybe thats where my emotional deprivation comes from, or is it because of my emotional deprivation that I am like this. No one understands me. It's such a lonely feeling. And no matter who I try to talk to, its still the same. And I feel so tired, so exhausted. I wish there is someone who can understand, someone who will not assume, someone who will just listen. I don't need advice, I just need someone to listen. Why isnt there such a person? Someone who can stand by me, just being there when I am hurting. Its not easy to love me, but its easy for them to be loved by me. Honestly, I still do feel depressed, I dread the social gathering tomorrow. I have suicidal urges. They are there, so strong. They will never go away. I am starting to question and wonder, are you really able to stand by me? 

You belong to the light, I belong to darkness.

Why did we cross paths? 

Should I retreat? 

 I guess I should blog more frequently, perhaps make it a habit. To write out my thoughts, my emotions, my insights, my reflection, my learning, my self-discovery. Well, Jeanette told me to write out a reflection for every date I have with Ben. At first I understood what she wants me to reflect on. But now that I have to, I dont actually know how. Or maybe, I know, but I just can't make myself write it out. 

Today is 1st January 2022. And the day that somehow, Ben and I got together. Being with Ben is really nice, we are comfortable with each other. I can sense he genuinely cares about me, he notices small things about me, sometimes even things I did not notice about myself. He is very thoughtful, and tries his best to make sure I am okay, I am comfortable. He said caring for me feels easy? I don't know why all my thoughts are in a mess. All my fears, insecurities just surfaced strongly. My schema is activated, not because something negative but because he cares. I guess it will never make sense to people. Will it make sense to him? I thought, I should be happy that someone cares, but yet I am fearful. Feel like running away, retreating. Should I let myself continue, or should I draw my wall even thicker than before? Should I allow myself to be taken care of, or should I stand by myself? Should I share my vulnerabilities or should I act strong?

Why do you care so much?

What do you see in me?

How much are you able to handle me?

Do you really think that caring for me will be easy?

Will you regret it if one day all my behaviors came up?

Will I be able to control and keep my thoughts/emotions/behaviors in control?

Will you someday feel that I am not as lovable as you think?

Will you be able to handle all my constant need for reassurance?

Will you someday, attribute all the issues we have to me/BPD?

I don't know why but I just can't do this. I am avoiding. I am avoiding any contact with him. Is it because of him? I kept thinking and wondering... But i really don't think so. Even if he never appeared, things would have become like this as well... I am starting to question if I can even go on like this. I start to wonder... Do I love him? Do I love the other him? And I realised...the answer is no. I don't,  for both of them. So what am i doing now? What should i do now? 

 Some things will never leave me, and they will haunt me for the rest of my life. Some scars will never fade, and it will always remind me of the past. While some things will never stay, the ones that I wish it would.

Each day I open my eyes, wondering if today will be different. But each day, I am still on the same page, hoping the next chapter will be better.

Every night I close my eyes, hoping that the next moment I open them, I will see the light. But the light is blinding, so I returned to darkness.