i need an answer

i really dont know how to be happy
who doesnt want to be happy?
who doesnt want to be healthy and cheerful?
i was once such a healthy and cheerful person
what am i now?
who am i?
i really need an answer...
because i seriously dont know how to continue on
how to walk on
crying has become a large part of my life
crying everyday...
i'm tired...
i juz want to leave..
i dun even want to walk finish this part
i have only myself, till now..
only myself to tell me to jia you
only myself to tell myself that everything will be alright
telling myself i will understand one day
telling myself everything will be over
telling myself i will get better one day
how many years have passed,
doing all these?
tears made my eyes weary
i smile while i sob inside
i laugh while cry inside
i go crazy when i'm actually super tired.
nobody knows, i've never felt happy before
not even a single moment
and maybe, i will never feel happy
it is a world no one can see
a place no one can get into
a feeling no one can understand
and juz blame it on me
but let me leave....

RIP

hey man!
long time never update this blog.
doesnt matter..no one reads anywayz.
hahaz.
maybe i should say, updating in this blog isnt a good thing?
but not entirely though.
sigh
anywayz, it've been months since i last blogged here
reason? too busy
i kinda forgot that i have this blog..
some things do change.
in fact, many things change
but there are things that dont change
which is my unhappiness
yes, this is it
why? i have no idea
each step, each minute that passed
i'm juz so tired.
even now
looking back, i juz realised how much i have been through
alone
no matter how much i feel like relying on someone,
i would choose not to
i dun want to experience disappointment anymore
i dun want to lose ppl i treasure anymore
i rather choose not to believe.
honto gomenasai..
i've always been rather emo,
until no one sees it as something important already
they think that it's ok
i'll get better
so no one bothers already
good thing also...
like that no one will know that i'm still in pain.
i'm still sad
i still despair.
i'm still crying somewhere, alone.
but i'm really tired.
tired of trying so hard.
tired of faking smiles
tired of trying hard not to cry...
there will never be someone there for me
they juz leave one day
they juz disappear
i really want to leave...
i want to rest in peace.
who will understand,
someone who doesnt remember her past,
someone who cant feel the present
and someone who dun see any future
my life? every second is a waste of time
i seriously dunno how long i can stand
how much more i can walk on
no one wants to help me
they simply stretch out their hands,
and withdrew them even before i tried to reach for it
nth is important anymore
i'm juz living off my life with nothing
its empty
dun have to pity me.
cause even i myself dun pity myself
it doesnt matter...
i have only myself anywayz
the tears that i've shed.
and it will continue to drop.
until one day when the water runs out,
i'll die of dehydration.
and let me rest in peace...
this is something i will never be able to get over
it is destined to follow me.
i juz have to accept it isnt it?
i'm tired...
i thank those who tried to stretch out their hands
arigato gozaimasu!
juz one sentence to myself: i can do it
yeah, thats it..
wish me all the best...