sigh...life

alright...
recently yeah,
many things happened
was seriously confused..
i know i cant forget YOU
though its VERY VERY irritating
i hate it..
but i miss the days with you
though you never cared.
cause it doesnt mean anything to you
i'm nothing to you.
i only hoped to be good frens.
is that too much to hope for?
but...
since you're happy,
i shall be contented.
may happiness follow you=)
it hurts me to think of you.
but its time for me to forget and move on.
i promised myself,
after this, i will not like anyone anymore
i dun want to.
its tiring..

told myself:
after i graduate,
i shall start anew.
fresh
a new life
without ppl i dun like
without ppl who hurts me
without many many...
wounds might heal one day,
but scars remain
and the scars might become wounds again.
i had to,
appear as if i'm alright,
even though my heart is crying
doesnt matter already...
cause i'm used to it..

these days somehow i'm glad to have o levels
to distract me from whatever that is happening/happened
no one knows and understands me
i realised that long ago
why?
i dont really know.
ppl that i treasure and love
i am nothing much to them
are humans that strange?
we search for things that are so far away
but we juz cant see those that are right in front of us
the scars have been left behind
something i cant forget
and i'm not sure if i can get over it
scared....
i'm really scared..
helpless cause there's nothing i can do

can there not be life?
can i juz dont face anyone?
i want peace.
i dont want to bother much
i'm tired....
exhausted...
worn out...
no one to save me...as usual
i'm reaching out into thin air
or vacuum?
i dont seem to understand anymore.
yeah..this world.
too freaky
too scary
too tiring to try and comprehend

Gor, i've never forgotten you
cause you're important to me too.
guess you never realised or known that.
huiying jie...you too
karkoon, knowing you is something very amazing
we wouldnt have known each other at all
yet we met.
became good frens
but we're rather different in characters
and maybe i'm wrong but i've always felt that
you treat me differently from others.
i dont know why.
anywayz, thanks for all the encouragement
and being with me all these while.

love and hatred are separated by a slight margin
be careful not to step into the wrong one
i have stepped into it
life full of hatred.
full of unhappiness
i lost myself.
and now its so difficult to find back
juz plainly living each day off anyhow
thats not what i want it to be
but somehow,
thats the only thing i can do

its already a good achievement
for me to hide my unhappiness
and appear to be happy
really...it really isnt easy..

i stopped trusting
stopped relying on anyone
cause i didnt want to
and couldnt
things that have happened.
i dont want it to repeat.
i dont want to think about it
thats the only way to escape..
forgive me...
i'm sorry..
gomenasai...

I'M SO TIRED

sometimes i really wonder
why is it that everyone's life seem so fine?
i know, they have faced problems as well
but why do my world and life look especially dark?
i asked heaven:
is this a test to make me stronger?
i dont know what life comprise of
i only know what kind of life i want to create
but no
it isnt that simple
i cant do it
i need rest
i need a break
i need to recover
no one needs me
i'm a forgotten person
a neglected person
juz like an unwanted piece of paper
abandoned into this world of nothing.
i want to leave
please...
no matter how much i look optimistic
no matter how much i laugh and smile
i cannot get out of this darkness
i'm starting to think:
this isnt part of growing up
its something that i myself is facing
i'm not needed anywhere.
i feel no importance
but i promise,
i will smile when i leave...

LeaVe Me

right, so you are the same as the others
leave
and disappear from my life
this is what everyone like to do isnt it?
if so, why bothering abt me?
who will know, how much it hurts
when i have to face it everytime
i have to force myself to forget all the pain
so that i can move on
forced myself too much,
until now what i have become of
who suffers?
me myself
no one else will
dun bother abt me
my tears will juz flow like no one's business
it juz hurts so much
now another one
i juz want to rest
i juz want someone there for me
someone who will never leave me
but why....
everytime i cry,
it juz hurts more
its like a knife stabbing my wound
my heart is really bleeding profusely
i'm seriously tired
how hard i have tried to forget all these
so that i can force myself to move on
and fake a smile or laughter
until now,
my mind is so screwed
that i dun understand
that i dunno what am i thinking
that i dunno what is happening anymore
i dun want to face anyone
i juz want to leave
it is the only solution to all my pain
because i'm hopeless
i cant walk out of all these anymore
i dun want to face it either
it juz hurts.

aLoNe

yeah~
i'm here again.
i'm strange,
i can cry and cry,
and after wiping my tears,
i'm going around imagining again
yeah, thats what happened these days
why?
because i'm not me
who's me?
no idea.
haha
as usual i guess
this time,
i want to be like before
to block off all my emotions
in front of others
it hurts, and its really tough
i know
i really want to rely on someone
yet i refused to
i'm scared
afraid
and no one will understand
yeah, thats it
same old stuffs?
whatever
i dun really remember anywayz
i only know,
there will always only be myself
no one will be there for me
i know it
and i shall believe that
i'm tired.
i'm going to break down
but i have to continue
i have to act like i'm so happy
i muz act strong
like before
sometimes i rather not be here
i dun want to face anyone
cause its really tiring
the only way to allow myself to act happy
is to escape from all the pain
and sorrows
kinda pathetic
everytime i cry,
i have to tell myself that its because i'm tired
i'll be alright after resting
resting,
do i have the chance to?
no, i dont
truthfully, i'm really very scared
and tired
who can save me
no one can
really....

i need an answer

i really dont know how to be happy
who doesnt want to be happy?
who doesnt want to be healthy and cheerful?
i was once such a healthy and cheerful person
what am i now?
who am i?
i really need an answer...
because i seriously dont know how to continue on
how to walk on
crying has become a large part of my life
crying everyday...
i'm tired...
i juz want to leave..
i dun even want to walk finish this part
i have only myself, till now..
only myself to tell me to jia you
only myself to tell myself that everything will be alright
telling myself i will understand one day
telling myself everything will be over
telling myself i will get better one day
how many years have passed,
doing all these?
tears made my eyes weary
i smile while i sob inside
i laugh while cry inside
i go crazy when i'm actually super tired.
nobody knows, i've never felt happy before
not even a single moment
and maybe, i will never feel happy
it is a world no one can see
a place no one can get into
a feeling no one can understand
and juz blame it on me
but let me leave....

RIP

hey man!
long time never update this blog.
doesnt matter..no one reads anywayz.
hahaz.
maybe i should say, updating in this blog isnt a good thing?
but not entirely though.
sigh
anywayz, it've been months since i last blogged here
reason? too busy
i kinda forgot that i have this blog..
some things do change.
in fact, many things change
but there are things that dont change
which is my unhappiness
yes, this is it
why? i have no idea
each step, each minute that passed
i'm juz so tired.
even now
looking back, i juz realised how much i have been through
alone
no matter how much i feel like relying on someone,
i would choose not to
i dun want to experience disappointment anymore
i dun want to lose ppl i treasure anymore
i rather choose not to believe.
honto gomenasai..
i've always been rather emo,
until no one sees it as something important already
they think that it's ok
i'll get better
so no one bothers already
good thing also...
like that no one will know that i'm still in pain.
i'm still sad
i still despair.
i'm still crying somewhere, alone.
but i'm really tired.
tired of trying so hard.
tired of faking smiles
tired of trying hard not to cry...
there will never be someone there for me
they juz leave one day
they juz disappear
i really want to leave...
i want to rest in peace.
who will understand,
someone who doesnt remember her past,
someone who cant feel the present
and someone who dun see any future
my life? every second is a waste of time
i seriously dunno how long i can stand
how much more i can walk on
no one wants to help me
they simply stretch out their hands,
and withdrew them even before i tried to reach for it
nth is important anymore
i'm juz living off my life with nothing
its empty
dun have to pity me.
cause even i myself dun pity myself
it doesnt matter...
i have only myself anywayz
the tears that i've shed.
and it will continue to drop.
until one day when the water runs out,
i'll die of dehydration.
and let me rest in peace...
this is something i will never be able to get over
it is destined to follow me.
i juz have to accept it isnt it?
i'm tired...
i thank those who tried to stretch out their hands
arigato gozaimasu!
juz one sentence to myself: i can do it
yeah, thats it..
wish me all the best...