Sometimes I really don't understand myself. Or more like, I always don't understand myself. What's wrong with me? Everything is wrong. Dissociation, feelings of unfamiliarity, memory gaps, constant fatigue. Irrational feelings of jealously for no reason. Does it even make sense? Not wanting him to sit next to someone who is married to his friend, someone I know he isn't interested in. But I can't help but still feel uncomfortable. Am I being possessive? I don't know. And when I came to know that his ex also does stupid stuffs with him like how we do, it affected my mood. My mood dropped. Thoughts of stopping myself doing the stupid stuffs with him. Felt like I'm not special, because there was someone who did those with him before. Then I suddenly feel like becoming back to the serious and cold person. To stop being the spontaneous girl who does weird stuffs. And urge to cut myself again. To distant myself. To want to make sure I'm attractive to others. Doesn't make sense right? I know it's his past, and I know he has moved on and totally not thinking of her anymore. And how much he focuses his attention on me. Rationally I know, but sometimes emotions are just hard to control. But because I know it's irrational and ridiculous, I can't and won't say. I fight these thoughts, I suppress all these emotions. Awareness, having awareness may help in preventing myself from lashing out, but it kills me inside. I guess that's what it means by quiet Borderline. We have to deal with them internally. Even if it's suffocating.