I hate myself. I hate myself so much. But I hate everyone too. I hate this world too. I realised I can never make sense of anything, anyone, and myself. You changed, your texts, frequency, replies etc. You are no longer "present", but yet you said you didnt change. So I thought, the problem lies in me. I'm being oversensitive again, I'm reading cues wrongly again. Its my fault again. Its me again. 

But really, is it true? Why will I sense it if it isnt? I'm so tired. Tired of living. Tired of trying so hard to rationalize all the time, to fight the battles within myself. Trying to keep within myself. It hurts so much. I thought, I shouldnt be like this, I shouldnt be like that. I kept trying, trying to find ways to stop myself from doing or saying stupid things that will just ruin my relationships. But because of that, I put the blame on myself, i tell myself, "its your crazy sensitivity acting up again". Why is it that whatever i do seem to be wrong? I cannot understand, i dont know whats right. I'm so tired. I really feel like... leaving. I don't want to think anymore, I dont want to feel anymore, I don't want to face anything anymore... Is that why I can never walk out of this dereal state? Because deep down, i still wish everything is just a dream. All the pain, all the suffering, all the hurt, all the hatred...

I want to trust, I want to believe, I want to feel secure. But each time i do so, I get hurt.

"I am different", he said. 

"I am not like those who hurt you", he said.

"Trust me", he said. 

"I will prove it to you", he said. 

But what he proved, was that I should never have opened my heart.