So its one week since Ben and I got together. I don't know why but I seem to be quieter today, I guess I still feel depressed. Why do I feel depressed? I don't know. But I realised that I am always concerned about how others feel, and I try my best to make them feel good. Even when it means I don't get the emotional support I need. Maybe thats where my emotional deprivation comes from, or is it because of my emotional deprivation that I am like this. No one understands me. It's such a lonely feeling. And no matter who I try to talk to, its still the same. And I feel so tired, so exhausted. I wish there is someone who can understand, someone who will not assume, someone who will just listen. I don't need advice, I just need someone to listen. Why isnt there such a person? Someone who can stand by me, just being there when I am hurting. Its not easy to love me, but its easy for them to be loved by me. Honestly, I still do feel depressed, I dread the social gathering tomorrow. I have suicidal urges. They are there, so strong. They will never go away. I am starting to question and wonder, are you really able to stand by me? 

You belong to the light, I belong to darkness.

Why did we cross paths? 

Should I retreat? 

 I guess I should blog more frequently, perhaps make it a habit. To write out my thoughts, my emotions, my insights, my reflection, my learning, my self-discovery. Well, Jeanette told me to write out a reflection for every date I have with Ben. At first I understood what she wants me to reflect on. But now that I have to, I dont actually know how. Or maybe, I know, but I just can't make myself write it out. 

Today is 1st January 2022. And the day that somehow, Ben and I got together. Being with Ben is really nice, we are comfortable with each other. I can sense he genuinely cares about me, he notices small things about me, sometimes even things I did not notice about myself. He is very thoughtful, and tries his best to make sure I am okay, I am comfortable. He said caring for me feels easy? I don't know why all my thoughts are in a mess. All my fears, insecurities just surfaced strongly. My schema is activated, not because something negative but because he cares. I guess it will never make sense to people. Will it make sense to him? I thought, I should be happy that someone cares, but yet I am fearful. Feel like running away, retreating. Should I let myself continue, or should I draw my wall even thicker than before? Should I allow myself to be taken care of, or should I stand by myself? Should I share my vulnerabilities or should I act strong?

Why do you care so much?

What do you see in me?

How much are you able to handle me?

Do you really think that caring for me will be easy?

Will you regret it if one day all my behaviors came up?

Will I be able to control and keep my thoughts/emotions/behaviors in control?

Will you someday feel that I am not as lovable as you think?

Will you be able to handle all my constant need for reassurance?

Will you someday, attribute all the issues we have to me/BPD?