So I was hospitalized at IMH for a week. I kind of turned myself in. I realised that I trust SN a lot. Maybe because we spend more time together due to the split teams, or maybe is just because of the way she is? She is a counsellor, yet a colleague at the same time. It feels like she knows how to balance when talking to me. She told me to go to IMH, I didnt want at first, and she told ZK and HH. And last Friday I decided to go there voluntarily. I was really very suicidal. I planned, I wanted to execute it. I know how badly I wanted to die. Its the first time I felt it so strongly. The funny thing is, we don't have freedom in IMH, we go by the routine, we don't get to use our phones, we don't get to do anything. Its super boring. But... I actually felt free inside. I felt like I don't have to face anything, I don't have to force myself to smile, to be strong, I can cry whenever I want and no one will judge me. There are no expectations, no demands. I felt so free. Yet, I know that I cannot stay there for long, I know that ultimately I need to discharge and get back to work, to my life, to all the expectations and demands that are waiting for me. Now that I am discharged, my mood still isn't stable actually. At times, I still think of ending my life, just that it isn't as strong. 

Yesterday, ZK ordered an engagement ring. I am pretty surprised actually. I didnt expect him to get one so soon. But he did, and he spent about 4k. The ring is made to order so it will take about 2 months. Suddenly everything feels so surreal. Even looking at him feels different. And whenever I think of ending my life, I think about him paying of the engagement ring. I know I cannot do it. 

Now one other big stress I have... Is my finances. I realised I don't actually have PSEA to pay for my tuition fees, the money in my CPF is for education scheme loan. So I have to fork out about 2.4k every few months before the next semester. Feel like I am forever in this situation, and it sucks. It gives me stress and anxiety. I don't know how I am going to cope with it. I guess somehow I will find a way. I know I have to work hard on my trading. Yes, I need to. 

As for Marcus, I don't really know what to feel towards you. I am still afraid of chasing you away, I am still afraid of this attachment. On one hand, I hate you for unlocking this emotional need within me, I hate you for making me have this attachment towards you, because of that my emotions go haywire. On the other hand, I am really glad to know you. I am very thankful for all your care and concern towards me. And that because of you, I know I have this emotional need within me, and my therapy can progress. I still cant handle these emotions... Can you tell me what I should do?