wow I have not used the web version of blogger for like i dont know maybe 10 years? Have always been using the app. But today I just feel like typing on the laptop instead of using the phone. Recently I am just really off, my mood, my thoughts, myself, everything. The suicidal thoughts are there, stronger than ever. I am losing hope... Yet I am still clinging on to some hope. Why? Why can't I just give up? This life isnt worth living anyway. Been feeling very down. I have no motivation, no drive. I am starting to hate work. Maybe not work but the people at work. I always thought its fine, but recently I realised I am not happy here. My boss is just.... Someone I don't trust. I feel so suffocated here. I feel like I am always being doubted of my abilities. I feel like I am useless and worthless here. Yet you keep saying how you like to focus on people's strengths... Why are you focusing all the negative things of me? Why are you picking on anything and everything that I did/did not do? Makes me feel like you are a hypocrite. As time goes by I also start to hate it that mum is in the same room as me. Now she can come and go freely in the room, look at what I am doing etc. And question me. Dammit. There is no where that I can feel safe, I can feel peaceful or calm. There is no place where I can just be myself when I feel tired. I just hate this life. I know i should be working hard to get my trading right but I just don't have any motivation. You know how it feels like when you are always fearful of yourself? When you become scared of your own thoughts and emotions? When you start judging them? It sucks. Suddenly I wonder to myself...Am I really ready to discard this detached protector and dissociation? I won't be able to cope. I won't be able to suppress all the emotions. The desire for connection, the anger, the jealousy, everything. Deep inside, I want to connect with you, but I have to keep cutting off this desire because I don't want to end up losing you. If I never have it, I will never lose it right?