My past entries in this blog- although I definitely can still relate, and know they are what I have gone through and is still going through now, sometimes it feels like another person talking to me. Maybe because these posts are from many years ago. I was just a teenager. But I was in deep pain. I tried all means to avoid, to escape, to block the pain. I couldnt handle the emotions. I couldnt understand what is going on and what is wrong with me. I had no one. I was alone. And I was just a teenager. 

I'm in this state where... I blocked off all emotions. And connection. I hide myself behind a mask I put up. I smile, I laugh, I go crazy, I seem positive and all seems good. Maybe it is good. The fact that I dont really have much emotions. And I dont really care. I realised I gave up trying to make my point across about our interactions and connections. Because the same thing keeps repeating. You try, and you stop. And I bring it up. Then you try again, and you stop again. This time is worse. Its not even at the end of the day. Its once every few days. That's why I cant trust, I cant trust anyone at all. Because I have no control over others, why should I subject myself to disappointments? But this also means... Nothing is important to me anymore. I'm going to do what I want, alone. Becoming that super independent and free girl. I chose to block my mind and emotions, I guess thats why emotional deprivation is one of my schemas? But this also means that I cant be affectionate with you anymore. In fact I lost the desire to even want to meet you. Its as if you are gone in my life. That's the thing about some BPDs; when a person is away from our sight, they become unreal. A character we are not sure if they exist.