There's always this feeling. This uncomfortable feeling. Its a painful feeling, one that I hate. Its as if something inside me is gnawing, chewing up my heart, my soul, slowing eating me inside. I desperately want to call for help, for someone to take away this horrible feeling. But I always decide not to. Because I know no one understands, and no one can take away the pain. And then I feel like engaging in self harm, as a means of coping with the hope that I will feel better. I want to die badly, want to take a knife and pierce through my heart. If only I can.

Guilt. Hatred. Annoyance. Frustration. That's what I face everyday in my life. And I cant escape. 

Somehow I'm starting to write this blog again. Maybe because I realise how interesting it is when I look back at my previous posts from years ago. And many years into the future, how will I be feeling when i read this post? Or... Do I even have a "many years into the future"? Who knows. But this blog really reminds me of how even after many years, my thoughts and emotions are the same. Even now, I realise once again that the only way for everything to go on normally, is to hide away all my emotions,  to close myself up, to appear fine. And that means, to be alone. Although honestly, I really hate that. I hate the feeling of being alone, of faking smiles and pretending I'm all good. Because deep inside me, I'm crying, I'm bleeding, I'm crashing. I have no one. That's my life. That's how my life have always been, and will always be. I've always felt like I dont belong here. Where do i belong then? I'm a stranger, to this world and to myself. Sometimes I don't even know if I actually exist. What if we all dont exist? What makes us certain that we exist? Is it what we leave behind? The impact we made to this world? The traces that prove we were once in this planet Earth? And someday our skeletons become fossils to be studied by the future habitants. Okay I am getting too far fetched. 

As I read all my previous posts, I suddenly realised how fast time passes. So I have been struggling for 13 years. And all my posts sounded the same. I just keep repeating those words in the posts. I guess even after so long, nothing changed. And I'm probably going to continue repeating them. Have nothing changed? I grew up, I studied, I graduated, i started working. But why do all these thoughts and emotions stay the same? Am i going to continue suffering for the rest of my life? Well, one thing is... I know what my actual diagnosis is. It makes a difference. But at the same time, it doesn't. It doesnt take away my pain and suffering. Although it helped me understand myself better. Even so, I still don't really understand myself. Each time I experience negative emotions and thoughts, i have to think and anaylse so hard for the reasons. Maybe it doesnt matter whether i know the reasons or not. But i guess.... The problem with being aware and conscious that something is wrong makes me want to know what it is, and why. And I find myself always having to explain so hard to others. Because no one understands. I probably should count the number of times i stated "no one understands" in this blog. I am a high functioning BPD. I studied and graduated from University. I have a stable job. Because of that, everyone thinks all is well. And humans being humans, tend to judge others. Just because I seem "normal" on the surface doesnt mean I am struggling lesser than the others. I realised that sometimes having a label might actually be a relief. When others look at a person with mental illness that appears obvious, their expectations lowers and they might actually be more understanding towards them. On the other hand, a high functioning person struggling with mental illness might look so normal that others place the same societal expectations on them and end up judging them for their shortfalls. Its tiring. Of course I'm not saying who is better off, because ultimately, we are all strugglling badly in our own circumstances. And it feels terrible. 

I wonder, why am I still alive? Is it because I am afraid of the process of commiting suicide? All of a sudden I just feel like withdrawing myself. My tolerance and capacity have dropped drastically. I'm no longer who I was.