I don't know why but I feel so angry. I hate you. I hate people who live an easy life. People who gets things that i work hard for so easily. Im so evil, i hate people who are in bliss. But i don't even know why I'm like this. And i hate myself. I just hate everything. Everyone. It hurts. How I wish I can be the one who contract the virus and die. I'll gladly exchange my life for those who wants to live. If there's a death god, please take me away. 

I want to die so badly. Cant help but keep crying whenever I'm not occupied. It hurts so badly. Why is everywhere a trigger for me now? Work, home, aerial, you. Everything triggers my pain, my tears. So many things going on in my mind. 

Why am i born into this world? Why am I just a burden and nuisance to you all? Why do you always have to make me feel guilty for everything I do or not do? Why is my existence not enough for you? Why is it that everything i do for you dont seem to count? Why do you have to make feel so useless for not being able to give you lavish life? I dont even know whether you love me or not. I hate this place. I hate hearing your voice, your complaints. I hate both of you talking to me. I hate listening and not even being heard. I never talked. Because you all never cared.

And I'm just this lousy person that no matter how hard i try I will never do well. I will never be confident. Im just not good at anything. I am fat, ugly and suck at fashion. I am not as smart as him, not as slim and fashionable as her. 

I know I'm not important to anyone, it doesnt matter whether i exist. This thought never fail to bring tears to my eyes. I have nothing, and will leave with nothing. I am disposable, unwanted. 

I wish I have the courage to leave. 

My past entries in this blog- although I definitely can still relate, and know they are what I have gone through and is still going through now, sometimes it feels like another person talking to me. Maybe because these posts are from many years ago. I was just a teenager. But I was in deep pain. I tried all means to avoid, to escape, to block the pain. I couldnt handle the emotions. I couldnt understand what is going on and what is wrong with me. I had no one. I was alone. And I was just a teenager. 

I'm in this state where... I blocked off all emotions. And connection. I hide myself behind a mask I put up. I smile, I laugh, I go crazy, I seem positive and all seems good. Maybe it is good. The fact that I dont really have much emotions. And I dont really care. I realised I gave up trying to make my point across about our interactions and connections. Because the same thing keeps repeating. You try, and you stop. And I bring it up. Then you try again, and you stop again. This time is worse. Its not even at the end of the day. Its once every few days. That's why I cant trust, I cant trust anyone at all. Because I have no control over others, why should I subject myself to disappointments? But this also means... Nothing is important to me anymore. I'm going to do what I want, alone. Becoming that super independent and free girl. I chose to block my mind and emotions, I guess thats why emotional deprivation is one of my schemas? But this also means that I cant be affectionate with you anymore. In fact I lost the desire to even want to meet you. Its as if you are gone in my life. That's the thing about some BPDs; when a person is away from our sight, they become unreal. A character we are not sure if they exist.  

There's always this feeling. This uncomfortable feeling. Its a painful feeling, one that I hate. Its as if something inside me is gnawing, chewing up my heart, my soul, slowing eating me inside. I desperately want to call for help, for someone to take away this horrible feeling. But I always decide not to. Because I know no one understands, and no one can take away the pain. And then I feel like engaging in self harm, as a means of coping with the hope that I will feel better. I want to die badly, want to take a knife and pierce through my heart. If only I can.

Guilt. Hatred. Annoyance. Frustration. That's what I face everyday in my life. And I cant escape. 

Somehow I'm starting to write this blog again. Maybe because I realise how interesting it is when I look back at my previous posts from years ago. And many years into the future, how will I be feeling when i read this post? Or... Do I even have a "many years into the future"? Who knows. But this blog really reminds me of how even after many years, my thoughts and emotions are the same. Even now, I realise once again that the only way for everything to go on normally, is to hide away all my emotions,  to close myself up, to appear fine. And that means, to be alone. Although honestly, I really hate that. I hate the feeling of being alone, of faking smiles and pretending I'm all good. Because deep inside me, I'm crying, I'm bleeding, I'm crashing. I have no one. That's my life. That's how my life have always been, and will always be. I've always felt like I dont belong here. Where do i belong then? I'm a stranger, to this world and to myself. Sometimes I don't even know if I actually exist. What if we all dont exist? What makes us certain that we exist? Is it what we leave behind? The impact we made to this world? The traces that prove we were once in this planet Earth? And someday our skeletons become fossils to be studied by the future habitants. Okay I am getting too far fetched. 

As I read all my previous posts, I suddenly realised how fast time passes. So I have been struggling for 13 years. And all my posts sounded the same. I just keep repeating those words in the posts. I guess even after so long, nothing changed. And I'm probably going to continue repeating them. Have nothing changed? I grew up, I studied, I graduated, i started working. But why do all these thoughts and emotions stay the same? Am i going to continue suffering for the rest of my life? Well, one thing is... I know what my actual diagnosis is. It makes a difference. But at the same time, it doesn't. It doesnt take away my pain and suffering. Although it helped me understand myself better. Even so, I still don't really understand myself. Each time I experience negative emotions and thoughts, i have to think and anaylse so hard for the reasons. Maybe it doesnt matter whether i know the reasons or not. But i guess.... The problem with being aware and conscious that something is wrong makes me want to know what it is, and why. And I find myself always having to explain so hard to others. Because no one understands. I probably should count the number of times i stated "no one understands" in this blog. I am a high functioning BPD. I studied and graduated from University. I have a stable job. Because of that, everyone thinks all is well. And humans being humans, tend to judge others. Just because I seem "normal" on the surface doesnt mean I am struggling lesser than the others. I realised that sometimes having a label might actually be a relief. When others look at a person with mental illness that appears obvious, their expectations lowers and they might actually be more understanding towards them. On the other hand, a high functioning person struggling with mental illness might look so normal that others place the same societal expectations on them and end up judging them for their shortfalls. Its tiring. Of course I'm not saying who is better off, because ultimately, we are all strugglling badly in our own circumstances. And it feels terrible. 

I wonder, why am I still alive? Is it because I am afraid of the process of commiting suicide? All of a sudden I just feel like withdrawing myself. My tolerance and capacity have dropped drastically. I'm no longer who I was.